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Is it wrong to move away from a daughter(11) who don't want me in her life?

I am lost for words and I am still utterly shocked that my daughter is capable of almost pushing me downstairs. After I confronted her about her phone, that everytime I ring, it wont connect to her number. This has been happening for almost 2 weeks now, and she refused to show me the settings of her phone. I tried confiscating her phone due to her verbal abuse towards me and she refused to do so, and she threatened me of pushing me downstairs. Her father was there, just making approval everytime my daughter gives me verbal abuse and even threatened me of inflicting pain towards me. I just don't understand that a father would tolerate such disrespect towards her own mother.

I want to move away from this house hold. Right now, I just want to end everything. I am sad that my daughter who used to be sweet and loving, is turning into an agressive child. My heart is shattered into pieces. 💔💔💔
SW-User
I don’t know your specific circumstances and can understand that you do not want to live in an abusive situation. However as a young teen I was awful, I was so angry at the world and would lash out at family the most, it came from a place of deep pain that I couldn’t cope with or understand. My family never gave up on me and got me help and as I matured I got better at processing my emotions and dealing with life. I’m so close to my family and so grateful that they never gave up on me. I guess what I’m saying is she’s 11 there is so much time to turn it around and get her help
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
I don't know that's my greatest dilemma as well.😭

I am so hurt, she doesn't want me anymore. She's my world. @SW-User
SW-User
@tryingtobeOK I was like that with my brother who is my guardian - I would hit him, scream at him, I hated him…but it wasn’t really hate…I was hurting and angry and he became my focus…it was safe because I knew no matter how awful I was he wouldn’t leave me and still loved me
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
Hugs , Sophie. Thank you for sharing your experience.

I just need to be away, maybe for now. It's the right thing to do at this moment in time.😭


I grew up with a mother who was alcoholic. My mom never spent time with me or help me in any of my homework. But I never ever spoke to my mom using bad words and I never inflicted any pain to my mom. When she got ill, I went back to my hometown and took care of her and paid for her medical expenses.
@SW-User
SW-User
My daughter is 12, she doesn't have a phone, I have 3 kids age 14, 12 and 11, my oldest got phone just for Christmas, he was 14, I think take the phone away.. And deal with your disrespectful husband or whomever.. This is very sad
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
I tried taking the phone away but the dad just threatened me of calling the police.💔@SW-User
SW-User
@tryingtobeOK that's ridiculous, you can do that, he sounds like a bully, maybe he should leave
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
That's when he told me to leave from our home last night I said no. I wont leave the house at this moment in time. @SW-User
SolGryn · 31-35, M
Most kids lash out against their parents. I remember telling my parents I hated them more than once. It really hurt them. But they knew it wasnt true and never gave up on me. So please dont give up on her
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
I want to think that way. Promise I do.

I just want to move away from this house right now.

My mother was not really a good Mom while I was growing up. She was an alcoholic. But I never ever spoke ill things to her and I never inflicted pain on her.

When she got ill, I went back to my hometown to look after her and gave her a comfortable life before she died.

It breaks my heart that she thinks I am abad mother. I never failed looking after her, I stopped working for 6 years to raise her.

But it's all for nothing. I know now, that she doesn't love me.

@SolGryn
SolGryn · 31-35, M
@tryingtobeOK children will always love their parents...no matter how much they hate them
InHeaven · F
@tryingtobeOK she definitely loves you, sounds like spoiled and selfish kid backed up by that dad. Thats terrible.
room101 · 51-55, M
Have you considered that perhaps "the father" is not simply tolerating the behaviour of your daughter but is actually involved in some way?
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
My friend told me that, last night.

It's strange because , my husband can contact her phone but I can't.

It's my one way of telling her about dinner. As she never answers if I call her by shouting.
@room101
room101 · 51-55, M
@tryingtobeOK Sorry to say this but, to me, this is more about your relationship with your husband than it is about you and your daughter.

A few people have commented about disciplining an unruly child, the child going through whatever, what it was like when they were growing up and so on and so forth. To me, all of those things are side issues.

From what you've said, both in your opening post and your replies to others, I strongly advise you to take a long, hard and honest look at your husband.
Madmonk · M
I hate to say it but you are right. @room101
Keepitsimple · 51-55, F
She’s 11 and you can’t control her? That’s really sad. As for the phone shut it off. As for the father, who cares, you don’t need him in order to discipline your kid.
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
I was not able to confiscate the phone as her dad was in the way. They threatened to call the police because I was trying to take the phone away. @Keepitsimple q
Keepitsimple · 51-55, F
@tryingtobeOK You have serious issues going on. Don’t think I could help you.
angie8819 · 56-60, F
If you're paying her phone bill i suggest that you stop then she might cool down
sumojumo · 36-40, M
this is a hard one :(. I have an 11-year-old son and I am trying to imagine if something like this happened to me. I completely understand that you want to get away from it all. And if it is too much to handle maybe it is the best step to take.

One approach is to see that these things happen to many parents of teenagers, so you are not the only one. The second thing to notice is that this might not be a long-term sentiment that your daughter has towards you. She is becoming a teenager, she is in a whirlwind of hormones, emotions... And you are her pillar. If you take a very calm approach she will appreciate that very much - not right now, but later in life definitely. You might have a very rough relationship with her for a few years, but when she is in a more calm state of her body and mind, she will definitely appreciate that you did not explode because of her bad behavior.

I know this might not be very comforting at the moment, but dealing with kids is a marathon. But we tend to look at it as a set of sprints. So we get exhausted so fast.

The reactions of her father - that is a different story. You definitely need to talk with him (not in front of her) about this situation. You two are the adults in this story and have to act accordingly.
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
I will try to talk to him when it's time.
At this moment in time , my husband believes his own lies.@sumojumo
sumojumo · 36-40, M
@tryingtobeOK we are all our own worlds, with our own reality. I am definitely not trying to make excuses for your husband, just offering a perspective that is sometimes useful for me. When I think of situations when I was completely wrong but thought that I was right - then I become more understanding of other people. I am less angry and capable of much more compassion. It makes communication easier and things just kind of soften.

This is just my experience I know far too little of your situation and it could be completely irrelevant.
Lostpoet · M
You should take her into talk to a school counselor being mad at her is only going to piss her off. You are a young mother don't you remember what it's like?
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
I am thankful to everyone here, who gave their valuable comments. I just don't know where could I post this as I don't want to say something in FB.
InHeaven · F
I would also say leave the dad. With him, it will turn into hell as she is growing up. When she is in trouble he will turn around and blame you cause “you are the mother”. What a POS man. If you leave, tell her why.That you can’t take it anymore.. With such a dad he will tell her everyday “oh your mother left you! She doesnt love you” or “she got another man!” Blah blah man can be biotches. Also if you do leave, tell her the address and that if she wants she can always come over.
Jungleman · M
nothing you can do, if she doesn't want to know you, then that is that.
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
The only way is to move away.

@Jungleman
nowic2 · 61-69, M
Sounds to me like you need to be speak to your husband. Get his support to work jointly to stop your daughter becoming an undisciplined brat. If that doesn't happen your daughter will grow up damaged.
nowic2 · 61-69, M
@tryingtobeOK I'm really sorry to hear that. It seems to me that you are better off out of there. Sadly you are in a no win situation. Is there anyone else who could explain to your daughter? If not, I would leave but write your daughter a letter explaining why you left. Leave it with someone who will give it to her in a year or two. It may help give her some perspective. It may not. Regardless, be aware you will be seen as the bad one in all this. Sorry! All the best
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
I know I will be the bad one.
Her dad will just bad mouth me.

And Yes, I will leave a letter for her to read.
@nowic2
nowic2 · 61-69, M
@tryingtobeOK it's a nasty place for you. All the best! 🤗
MichaelT · 41-45, M
A lot of the kids say stuff they don't really mean. They are sometime reluctant to show their softer side. I was like that. I think she needs you She is just 11. Talk to her at a better time.

And If I were you, I would be more concerned about your husband. It might be that he is influencing such a behaviour from your daughter.
KuroNeko · 41-45, F
I feel the same some days. Having a 14 yr old who refuses to go to school, steals from me, steals from her siblings and destroys our belongings. It's enough to make anyone want to run for the hills. You just have to hope that one day they will come through it. 💚
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
Hugs💙💙💙💙@KuroNeko
SW-User
Unbelievable. When I was a kid, we not only didn't have cell phones, we didn't even have private landlines in our rooms. Every phone conversation happened in the kitchen under the parents watchful eyes.
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
It was the same for me. No mobile phones and no landlines. She is actually really lucky that we try our best to provide for her. @SW-User
SW-User
@tryingtobeOK I never had kids, so no authority on raising em. But seriously, it sounds as if at 11, a phone is too much for your kid to handle. You could just stop paying for it -- that is, if your partner will allow.
How abt talk to your husband about this problem. You have to be in sync right when you’re trying to instill good values and discipline for your child.
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
That will be an effective parenting when we are united with how we raise our child.

However , he never supported anything and instead contradicts everything I do or say.

It's highly frustrating. It feels like talking to a brickwall.

@BloviatingBuffoon
@tryingtobeOK I don’t get it. Aren’t you supposed to have an agreement and support on most things. I find it very toxic and I dunno what to say…try to talk or have some outside help perhaps
Lostpoet · M
Tell her that you want to move away and I bet that'll break her heart and cause emotional scaring that'll lead to a life of drug addiction and loveless sex. Sorry 😞 I should go to bed now.
SW-User
God I’m so sorry … i hope in time your daughter chills out and your Hubby appreciates you more 🌹
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
It's hard to see her like this.Last year, she was my sweet daughter who will help me all the time in anyway that she can. She used to say "I love you" suddenly and gives me a big hug.

@SW-User
SW-User
Keep going 🌹 @tryingtobeOK
Your husband should have your back no matter what. You're her mother. That deserves respect.
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
It looks like my daughter does not respect me and my husband does not as well.@Spoiledbrat
One time I hit my mom and she fought me like a man and I never did that shit again 😂
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Confined · 56-60, M
If your husband does not have your back time to leave him. Disconnect your daughters phone.
Have you considered getting her counseling
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
They have counselling at school. @thelastofus
I’m not talking about school....... she needs to see an actual therapist @tryingtobeOK
InHeaven · F
Did you talk to the father?
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
I try talking to my husband everyday about the behaviour of my daughter. @InHeaven
InHeaven · F
Then I would leave to not escalate the situation@tryingtobeOK He will not help you, you are on your own with this. I would move somewhere give her address, phone, all contacts, tell her you love her, invite her but tell her that I left because of the problems with the dad, not her. Leave her out of the reason why you are leaving. We don’t want her having to blame herself which will cause more problems in the long run. Leave on “good terms” with her. Dad will probably tell her “oh your mother left you cause you were bad”. Leave on good terms with her, give all contacts and be as sweet as possible with her...when away. When she starts missing you, and you are not angry but super sweet, she will come. She will eventually get tired of the dad cause now that he will be there to deal with her bs 24/7 alone he will not be that tolerant and she will sense his negativity and look for you
Madmonk · M
Dad won’t back you up? That’s piss poor.
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
He was literally giving approval to every verbal and threats from my daughter.
@Madmonk
nedkelly · 61-69, M
Your husband is as weak as pi$$
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
He is. He was also encouraging my daughter to call the police because apparently I was trying to confiscate her phone.@nedkelly
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SW-User
Absolutely agree 💯 ~ kids privileges need revoking in this regard. @Lostpoet
Lostpoet · M
@SW-User The privileges but when you hit them you only make them afraid of you.
SW-User
People who hit kids are total losers ~ we are all free to make better choices like walking away from a bad situation is one ☝️… rising above bs is another 😎@Lostpoet
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Yes you need to get some help from professional experts. Either counseling or professional advice for abused women with children. I get the vibe your husband is abusive. If that's the case you can escape from him with your daughter. Please seek help now.@tryingtobeOK
tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
She wont come with
me I'm sure of that Eden. I impose restriction when it comes to gadgets. She will defo choose her dad because he always say yes to everything. @Donewiththissite
Then you have to talk to a professional about this.@tryingtobeOK
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tryingtobeOK · 36-40, F
I wish I could. Husband pays for her mobile data.@SW-User

 
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