I was terrorized and trapped into agreeing to go to the Company Christmas/Holiday party...

@Punches Wow. Yeah, it was a sleeveless jacket and the joke was the company couldn't afford sleeves this year, so that will be the gift next year.

@MarkPaul Meanwhile the company brags about record profits.

@BlueVeins Actually, not as bad as I thought. The food was okay. The conversations started out fine, but ngl, they got tiresome fast. I mostly just rolled with it though and there were a few moments where I thought I was doing not great, but okay. In the "big speech" to everyone, I was recognized for an analysis report I did that was used in a client presentation. But pretty much everyone was recognized for something in some way during the year, so it seemed mostly contrived so no one felt left out, you know like a "participation trophy" for that Holiday spirit I guess... but it was still nice to be recognized for my work since I never seem to know if what I am doing is useful or not. And, my manager squeezed my arm and said, "good job," as the VP spoke about my accomplishment (that my guess is my manager wrote up), so it seemed somewhat genuine and more than just for showing up. I hate that I was so happy she said that to me... but I can't deny that I was. Obviously but surprising to me, I liked getting that external validation. And, it seems to have really boosted my confidence, like I'm now not so worried I'm going to be asked to leave and I felt like I have just as much of a place there as everyone else.

Of course, I've been post-analyzing my every move during the entire night and agonizing some of the awkward moments. I'm not saying it was a fun time or something I would look forward to doing regularly... again the whole thing seemed so contrived. But, overall I did okay. I stayed for the entire event without feeling like I needed to come up with some way to leave (a first for me) and it gave me some hope I just might be able to survive in (somewhat) social situations, at least that are work-related. The thing is, I don't always know how to react or the right thing to say, but somehow, I was able to hold my own this time. So, I don't really know how I did it, but that was a nice surprise. Honestly, I can't say it was worth the time and all the agonizing I did before going, but I guess I'm glad I went and I don't even know what I was so scared shitless about.

Thanks for asking.

@MarkPaul You're too hard on yourself sometimes. People don't hate you, they don't care that much about awkward moments or whatever. They wanted you to be there and you showed up for them. I'm proud of you, and if you want things to get better, I think you need to keep it up.

@BlueVeins I’m going to work on it this year. I really am because I do want things to get better. Thanks for your encouragement. Seriously, it means a lot to me and it makes me feel accountable.

@MsSwan Neither of those options will work for me, Ms. Swan. It might be surprising, but I guess I froze and kind of just said yes I would attend and to bow out now... well, that wouldn't be an alpha-male move. So, you see... I'm stuck. And, getting drunk only creates an even more toxic situation of being both quiet and reflective than I normally am.

@MarkPaul Then just try to relax and make the best of it. Try not to overthink it. Just go with the flow.

Good luck. You can do it!

@deadgerbil I was waiting for your comment ngl

@deadgerbil Well, I just mean... it's probably unexpected.

@LordShadowfire You don't understand...

@LordShadowfire Well, I'm a team-player.

@Punches yes!!

@deadgerbil As usual, you are twisting my words. This was 1 social interactions, not multiple social interactions. And, this hardly classifies as "basic." What don't you STILL understand?

@deadgerbil Stop twisting him, you're hurting him!!

@deadgerbil Well, they aren't exactly ordinary questions. These isolated incidents that you exaggerate and twist into something more than what they are more like intrusions when I am not expecting them. It's really nothing more than that. And, I don't freak out... I mean not really. Maybe in the moment... for a moment. But only sometimes. And, I know how to socialize.

@deadgerbil I'm not here to entertain you. And again, I have no problem with basic interactions. I'm just shy, I guess you can say. So, it takes me a little more time than I guess others to interact with others... so yeah it feels like a trace of fear. I don't know, maybe I'm exaggerating in that moment, so it comes across that way because in these isolated incidents, I was caught off-guard. I'm just being honest with how I am feeling in that moment. Maybe I was terrorized, but if I was it was only that once and it was an extraordinary circumstance. In any case, I think I'm doing a good job of doing better.