I was terrorized and trapped into agreeing to go to the Company Christmas/Holiday party...

I suspect I will be sorry and it may ruin my career-run, but I agreed to attend the office party. I'm not going to lie, I do feel like it's a small achievement, but now that I am committed the fear and panic is starting to erupt. I'm just not that good in party environments and it now seems with people I know and work with it actually will be worse than if I didn't know anyone at all.

Surprisingly, I am not that good at spontaneous conversation that has no productive outcome or use. It's possible I come across as shy and socially awkward (a bit). And, while I can put on a good act for a short burst of time, all night is going to be literally impossible, not to mention energy depleting. And, I don't know there will be a way to make an easy, early exit. Parties should be banned for work environments.

But, there is no practical way out of it now.

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BlueVeins · 22-25

How'd it go?

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

@BlueVeins Actually, not as bad as I thought. The food was okay. The conversations started out fine, but ngl, they got tiresome fast. I mostly just rolled with it though and there were a few moments where I thought I was doing not great, but okay. In the "big speech" to everyone, I was recognized for an analysis report I did that was used in a client presentation. But pretty much everyone was recognized for something in some way during the year, so it seemed mostly contrived so no one felt left out, you know like a "participation trophy" for that Holiday spirit I guess... but it was still nice to be recognized for my work since I never seem to know if what I am doing is useful or not. And, my manager squeezed my arm and said, "good job," as the VP spoke about my accomplishment (that my guess is my manager wrote up), so it seemed somewhat genuine and more than just for showing up. I hate that I was so happy she said that to me... but I can't deny that I was. Obviously but surprising to me, I liked getting that external validation. And, it seems to have really boosted my confidence, like I'm now not so worried I'm going to be asked to leave and I felt like I have just as much of a place there as everyone else.

Of course, I've been post-analyzing my every move during the entire night and agonizing some of the awkward moments. I'm not saying it was a fun time or something I would look forward to doing regularly... again the whole thing seemed so contrived. But, overall I did okay. I stayed for the entire event without feeling like I needed to come up with some way to leave (a first for me) and it gave me some hope I just might be able to survive in (somewhat) social situations, at least that are work-related. The thing is, I don't always know how to react or the right thing to say, but somehow, I was able to hold my own this time. So, I don't really know how I did it, but that was a nice surprise. Honestly, I can't say it was worth the time and all the agonizing I did before going, but I guess I'm glad I went and I don't even know what I was so scared shitless about.

Thanks for asking.

BlueVeins · 22-25

@MarkPaul You're too hard on yourself sometimes. People don't hate you, they don't care that much about awkward moments or whatever. They wanted you to be there and you showed up for them. I'm proud of you, and if you want things to get better, I think you need to keep it up.

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

@BlueVeins I’m going to work on it this year. I really am because I do want things to get better. Thanks for your encouragement. Seriously, it means a lot to me and it makes me feel accountable.