I realize where it all went wrong

And sadly it was because of my mother.

She neglected my brother and me at early ages (I was 6, my brother had just been born). I had to grow up fast and learn how to not only take care of myself, but also become the primary caregiver of my younger brother. That lasted until I moved out at 18. Then my brother was basically on his own. I carry my own guilt feelings about that, but honestly, it was never supposed to be MY job to raise him.

Because of being forced into "survival mode", I never had the chance to learn how to be softer, feminine, and really allow anyone to take care of me. I didn't realize that there were people who actually like to take care of their partner, not until much much later, when it seemed like all I ever encountered were the ones who wanted ME to take care of THEM. Old patterns die hard I suppose.

I'm done with dating forever, but I sure wish I would have been wise enough earlier to look for a caregiver, NOT another detached user.