What’s it like to not live in fear of your parents judgment?

Sometimes I wonder who I’d be if I didn’t live in constant fear of my mother’s judgement.

I’ll think about things I want to do then I always instantly think about what she’d think about it. Knowing she’d sternly judge me. It’s weird how I don’t live with her anymore but I can’t shake her opinions from my head.

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Coralmist · 41-45, F

For me it's a bit similar but not entirely. My mom is a volatile, abusive narcissist who controlled my every fiber, my every move. I developed PTSD over time from severe psychological abuse daily. She'd taunt me, mock me, scream, and threaten me. This was everyday, for YEARS AND YEARS. I now as an adult feel like an inhuman shell.

Trying to develop a self is proving very difficult. All my doubts, lead back to the trauma I had growing up. So I know a bit of what you mean even though not exact. I basically have to silence my self doubts, because they are her bully voice. And I have so many doubts, it's been crippling.

Aidan · 26-30, F

@Coralmist I relate more than you might think. My mom wasn’t usually yelling at me, but she controlled me through constant moral judgment rooted in very strict Christianity. She often made my identity and choices like “tests” I could fail how I dressed, what I liked, even things like a piercing. She’s repeatedly questioned my sexuality for years, sometimes in invasive or shaming ways, even telling me if I were gay I couldn’t live in her house or be in her will. It was bizarre because I wasn’t gay I was just a tomboy.

It felt like her approval was always conditional on me fitting her idea of who I should be. I had to tiptoe around her judgment, and even now as an adult living on my own, I still carry that fear in my head. It’s exhausting because I’m always anticipating her reaction before I even act.

So while the specifics are different, I also know what it’s like to grow up without unconditional acceptance, and how hard it is to figure out who you are without that constant pressure.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@Aidan Im sorry you experienced that... Many parents need to learn that their kids are their OWN person and we don't owe even our family to be only a certain way, or have our life dictated. Have you tried therapy? I have off and on but mostly they nod and don't offer tips or healing methods😟

Aidan · 26-30, F

@Coralmist I haven’t tried therapy yet the quotes I get for sessions are a bit too expensive for me right now but I hope I can budget that out in the future.

Nat54 · 41-45, F

Interesting question. My parents were taken well before their time (car accident) but I still imagine them both when I do something. Especially dad, he was a harsh man.

fun4us2b · M

Mine have both passed - but I still follow what they would think....

It's a good circuit breaker for us so we don't mess up too bad...

Not the worst thing in the world when you think about it...

Aidan · 26-30, F

@fun4us2b Sure, but that really depends on whether what your parents instilled in you was actually in your best interests and aimed at your happiness.

Some parents are selfish and push their own desires so strongly that their child grows up without a real sense of personal identity.

Since moving away, I’ve been able to be more of myself, but I’m still close to my family. The problem is, even when I’m not around them, I’m burdened by the thought of their potential judgment. It feels like I’m constantly tiptoeing around just in case they find out about something.

I don’t live a very wild or unusual life, but their list of possible judgments is long and it’s exhausting to always have that in the back of my mind.

fun4us2b · M

@Aidan I know what you mean. Be patient with yourself....and them....as you get older it becomes more clear - they are from a different age, so of course not everything is the same. From the last sentence - it sounds like you are diligent and want to do the right thing...nothing wrong with that !!

ToLivePeacefully · 31-35, M

I never had that issue.

Also I take care of everything when it comes to my family so I think they don't have much to judge.

Also I judge myself harder than anyone can.