I don't even know anymore
Death sounds so nice to me honestly.. I can't deal with all the stress anymore, I didn't ask to be born, and I won't be able to forgive myself if I fail. I had a promise I made to myself when I was very young, that I'd end it all at nineteen if I don't become the person that I wanna be. It was silly back then, but I can hear the clock ticking now. I lived the life of a faceless creature without an identity for so long in hopes of becoming a beautiful girl one day, like the caterpillar turning to a butterfly.
I had my plans all set from a very young age back when I was obsessively dreaming about leaving home one day and never looking back because my parents nevr got along (to put it nicely). I was constantly day dreaming about being smart, beautiful and independent to a point where I made up an entire other person that I wanted to become and separated it completely from who I was. Now that version of myself that I made as a kid is begging to be set out of the trap that my mind created and let free out in the world where she belongs. The 'me' I am now is nowhere near that perfect girl I wanted to become.
I first based it all on looks. "When I grow up I'm gonna be verry pretty. Gotta lose a few kilograms first." but I never did. "After I lose those kilograms I'm gonna wear the cutest clothes" but I never lost weight so I never bought nice clothes. "After I lose weight and buy nice clothes I'm gonna have a boyfriend" again.. one without the others can't be.. so I never had a boyfriend.
I wanted to at least to all this by the age of 17.. which means I'm already too old for it. It's too late.
In my dreams I already had it all so who cares about reality, right? Back when I used to think like this I was a mere middle school student who got bullied and picked on at school for a number of reasons. Putting the bullying aside, I was happy that at least I had my friends. My people were my people, we shared common interests and talked all day every day about whatever our minds could think of. I loved my friendgroup of 6 like I couldn't love my family and I became too attached of them. I didn't know that I was gonna wake up one day and become a stranger to each one of them, and an enemy to someone in particular.
I wish I could turn back time to tell myself that whatever I had was gonna be torn apart and ruined by the age I promised myself to be living my best life. I have so much hatred for myself that I'd literally invent time travel just to go back a few years and beat the shit out of past me. I'd hurt myself now but it doesn't turn back time, it's not helping.
Losing my friends for no reason like that made me sick, I was crying everyday in my first year of highschool and I wasn't able to do anything to make myself get on my feet and start fighting. I had only one friend left, and by Christmas in 10th grade I was gonna lose her too. I finally reached the lowest of lows in my life. Rock bottom. I was full of anger and resentment. My friend broke my heart for good by betraying me back then. It was hard dealing with it especially because I was honest with her all the time.
I was so sure that by opening my heart like that for someone nothing could go wrong. We never actually got to talk about this abrupt ending to a life long friendship. I never got the closure I needed.
Truth is, I was feeling very lonely. I was trying to find myself and try doing something good for a change. I accepted my teacher's request of going to an event with a group of students from my school. I met new people, and I could sense kindness in someone's eyes for the first time. I kept clinging on that kindness when we bumped into each other during other events. For someone who's never been looked at with such innocence it left a mark. We got to talk a few times, nothing too important. I still keep those interactions on a huge pedestal in my mind because it's rare for me to experience kindness like this. It felt so good to feel tolerated and seen and heard.. even if it was for a short while. Naturally, I took a liking in the guy. I saw myself in the mirror and convinced myself that he must be a really good person if he got the power in him to smile so brightly at someone like me. I knew it was never gonna happen between us so I stopped thinking about it. It was honestly heartbreaking to come to this realization. "I don't deserve the kindness anyway" I thought to myself.
Of course, a while ago I found out that my little spark of hope fell in love. The girl he fell in love with is absolutely gorgeous, confident and the exact opposite of me. It was honestly like the final stab I needed for my hope to die and never come back.
Then parallel to that I was constantly comparing myself to my deskmate. Having a golden kind of girl sat next to you in class is probably the worst thing I got going for myself. Because while she was radiating good energy and sunshines I was in her shadow like a gremlin. Four years of highschool spent in a total lunar eclipse made me miserable. It's unrecoverable.
I couldn't feel pretty even for a second next to her. I'd get ready in the morning and see an ounce of beauty somewhere on myself then I go to school and it's all gone. I always felt the best during holidays because I wasn't in anyone's penumbra, I was all alone.
I made an effort till I got used to the fact that I wasn't as skinny, as smart, as pretty or as likeable as her.
It was a tough pill to swallow. Because me and her have the same dreams. While she has everyone's attention, approval and trust, I have to make superhuman efforts just to be noticed. God forbid someone actually pays attention to what I say for once. I'm ignored the majority of the time. I think people simply hate me, that there's nothing to be done. I blame myself, then my parents, then the world.. it's not doing anything. I lose motivation for the basic things.
I keep losing.. and losing.. and I lose everything little by little. My struggles get me nowhere, fighting with my parents trying to get them to understand me gets me nowhere. No matter how much make up I put on I don't feel good enough. No matter who tells me I'm pretty is not true enough for me. I even stopped believing I'm smart. I'm no good.
I kept on waiting for someone to show up in my life like a God-sent angel and the waiting never ends no matter how much I pray for it. I feel trapped in my own house, tortured at school and rotten inside. I'm rotten, broken, empty.
Nothing helps me.. I'm seriously out of it. My only dream doesn't seem to be coming true anytime soon because all of these issues keep dragging me down.
It's a new low for me. I'm overwhelmed to the point of becoming numb and death sounds like a beautiful melody. I keep failing and falling deeper and deeper and I hear ticking much louder now than yesterday, and tomorrow is gonna be even louder. ..
When I close my eyes I can already imagine myself in college, learning and growing to be s better person. When I wake up again I can't seem to get rid of the massive joke that I've become. Lazy, never focused, never learning, crying all the time, anxious, nervous. I regret so many things. I regret not doing more. I regret wasting time. I regret living the way I've been living for 18 years and I regret it with a passion. I wish it never happened. My mistakes come to my mind in flashbacks and all I do to chase them away is dreaming of a better future like a fool. I can't get up and fight anymore. I'm living in my mind... in the real world I'm a joke.. I failed making my younger self proud. I faild at becoming a normal human being... I fail at being great in school, I fail at being a good friend, I fail at losing weight and being pretty... I fail at loving anyone and above all I fail at loving myself...
I can't imagine a realistic scenario where I actually get to be good at something and seeing myself pretty in the mirror. I'm ashamed of who I am and I want to erase it.
I had my plans all set from a very young age back when I was obsessively dreaming about leaving home one day and never looking back because my parents nevr got along (to put it nicely). I was constantly day dreaming about being smart, beautiful and independent to a point where I made up an entire other person that I wanted to become and separated it completely from who I was. Now that version of myself that I made as a kid is begging to be set out of the trap that my mind created and let free out in the world where she belongs. The 'me' I am now is nowhere near that perfect girl I wanted to become.
I first based it all on looks. "When I grow up I'm gonna be verry pretty. Gotta lose a few kilograms first." but I never did. "After I lose those kilograms I'm gonna wear the cutest clothes" but I never lost weight so I never bought nice clothes. "After I lose weight and buy nice clothes I'm gonna have a boyfriend" again.. one without the others can't be.. so I never had a boyfriend.
I wanted to at least to all this by the age of 17.. which means I'm already too old for it. It's too late.
In my dreams I already had it all so who cares about reality, right? Back when I used to think like this I was a mere middle school student who got bullied and picked on at school for a number of reasons. Putting the bullying aside, I was happy that at least I had my friends. My people were my people, we shared common interests and talked all day every day about whatever our minds could think of. I loved my friendgroup of 6 like I couldn't love my family and I became too attached of them. I didn't know that I was gonna wake up one day and become a stranger to each one of them, and an enemy to someone in particular.
I wish I could turn back time to tell myself that whatever I had was gonna be torn apart and ruined by the age I promised myself to be living my best life. I have so much hatred for myself that I'd literally invent time travel just to go back a few years and beat the shit out of past me. I'd hurt myself now but it doesn't turn back time, it's not helping.
Losing my friends for no reason like that made me sick, I was crying everyday in my first year of highschool and I wasn't able to do anything to make myself get on my feet and start fighting. I had only one friend left, and by Christmas in 10th grade I was gonna lose her too. I finally reached the lowest of lows in my life. Rock bottom. I was full of anger and resentment. My friend broke my heart for good by betraying me back then. It was hard dealing with it especially because I was honest with her all the time.
I was so sure that by opening my heart like that for someone nothing could go wrong. We never actually got to talk about this abrupt ending to a life long friendship. I never got the closure I needed.
Truth is, I was feeling very lonely. I was trying to find myself and try doing something good for a change. I accepted my teacher's request of going to an event with a group of students from my school. I met new people, and I could sense kindness in someone's eyes for the first time. I kept clinging on that kindness when we bumped into each other during other events. For someone who's never been looked at with such innocence it left a mark. We got to talk a few times, nothing too important. I still keep those interactions on a huge pedestal in my mind because it's rare for me to experience kindness like this. It felt so good to feel tolerated and seen and heard.. even if it was for a short while. Naturally, I took a liking in the guy. I saw myself in the mirror and convinced myself that he must be a really good person if he got the power in him to smile so brightly at someone like me. I knew it was never gonna happen between us so I stopped thinking about it. It was honestly heartbreaking to come to this realization. "I don't deserve the kindness anyway" I thought to myself.
Of course, a while ago I found out that my little spark of hope fell in love. The girl he fell in love with is absolutely gorgeous, confident and the exact opposite of me. It was honestly like the final stab I needed for my hope to die and never come back.
Then parallel to that I was constantly comparing myself to my deskmate. Having a golden kind of girl sat next to you in class is probably the worst thing I got going for myself. Because while she was radiating good energy and sunshines I was in her shadow like a gremlin. Four years of highschool spent in a total lunar eclipse made me miserable. It's unrecoverable.
I couldn't feel pretty even for a second next to her. I'd get ready in the morning and see an ounce of beauty somewhere on myself then I go to school and it's all gone. I always felt the best during holidays because I wasn't in anyone's penumbra, I was all alone.
I made an effort till I got used to the fact that I wasn't as skinny, as smart, as pretty or as likeable as her.
It was a tough pill to swallow. Because me and her have the same dreams. While she has everyone's attention, approval and trust, I have to make superhuman efforts just to be noticed. God forbid someone actually pays attention to what I say for once. I'm ignored the majority of the time. I think people simply hate me, that there's nothing to be done. I blame myself, then my parents, then the world.. it's not doing anything. I lose motivation for the basic things.
I keep losing.. and losing.. and I lose everything little by little. My struggles get me nowhere, fighting with my parents trying to get them to understand me gets me nowhere. No matter how much make up I put on I don't feel good enough. No matter who tells me I'm pretty is not true enough for me. I even stopped believing I'm smart. I'm no good.
I kept on waiting for someone to show up in my life like a God-sent angel and the waiting never ends no matter how much I pray for it. I feel trapped in my own house, tortured at school and rotten inside. I'm rotten, broken, empty.
Nothing helps me.. I'm seriously out of it. My only dream doesn't seem to be coming true anytime soon because all of these issues keep dragging me down.
It's a new low for me. I'm overwhelmed to the point of becoming numb and death sounds like a beautiful melody. I keep failing and falling deeper and deeper and I hear ticking much louder now than yesterday, and tomorrow is gonna be even louder. ..
When I close my eyes I can already imagine myself in college, learning and growing to be s better person. When I wake up again I can't seem to get rid of the massive joke that I've become. Lazy, never focused, never learning, crying all the time, anxious, nervous. I regret so many things. I regret not doing more. I regret wasting time. I regret living the way I've been living for 18 years and I regret it with a passion. I wish it never happened. My mistakes come to my mind in flashbacks and all I do to chase them away is dreaming of a better future like a fool. I can't get up and fight anymore. I'm living in my mind... in the real world I'm a joke.. I failed making my younger self proud. I faild at becoming a normal human being... I fail at being great in school, I fail at being a good friend, I fail at losing weight and being pretty... I fail at loving anyone and above all I fail at loving myself...
I can't imagine a realistic scenario where I actually get to be good at something and seeing myself pretty in the mirror. I'm ashamed of who I am and I want to erase it.
