Is when you begin to feel numb. Because one side is so full of hope and has so much love and light to give, wanting to give my all, but the other side has become so accustomed to never receiving that same love in return, always feeling used, discarded, not important enough, or being made to feel like anything above the bare minimum is just simply wanting too much. So at the same time, I’m emotional, all the while also becoming completely emotionless.
I feel I know this shoe, but it's hard for me to describe as it's so many years before now. I never doubted her love, I never doubted her want in giving, and to this day is (I may never talk with again) my best friend. She worked so much, while I worked through grief, and when the hurt let up, she kept on working.... (I never blamed her). It wasn't her being the bread winner which bothered me, it was I missed her sensitive nature so much I had seen before.
When you feel you love intimately, someone so sensitively, and that sensitivity in emotion is removed, it is the most hallowing and heart-wrenching feeling. I'd be still in my heart just to remember that feeling.
It's where we grew numb together from losing sight of what we both loved together of each other. Some ask the other party to break this cycle, but what if the other partner is asking this of you ...? One has to say something before you both break each other..
I hope you can find that part of yourself that clings to that feeling and hold on the relationships that create it, and let ot heal and leave it in the past. Real, mutually fulfilling relationships exist and are for those who feel worthy of them and are willing to take that leap of faith into the unknown, which may be the most terrifying and brave thing you may ever do in thiis life. I'll make sure to let you know if I can ever manage to make that leap myself someday. I hope one day you do chose to create that new beginning for yourself you've never really been able to give yourself before.
I've often described myself like this as recently as yesterday. I like to think it's just normal to feel like that every now and then but I honestly don't know.
