Struggles & Identity > Thoughts

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What do you guys think of this conversation?

Him: How was your class?

Me: It was good, but I found out some information from my students about some other teachers who teach in the evening with me. Apparently, they let students out really early. So instead of teaching from 6 to 9:15 PM, one teacher will sometimes only teach from 6 to 7:30, and the other teacher will usually let students go by 8:30. So I don’t feel so bad with having my students leave at 9:00.

Him: Hmmm (He’s a 3rd grade teacher)

Then we got into a conversation about my previous students and how nice they have been to me.

Me: For my spring semester class that I taught for 4 months, individual students gave me gifts, but for the 5-week class I taught in the summer, I got $325 cash & 3 other gifts. I couldn’t believe it!

Him: Wow, I don’t even get anything close to that from my students’ parents, & I teach for 7 hrs a day compared to your shorter ESL classes.

Me: Well I teach adults, & they work, so maybe they want to show me they appreciate me.

Him: I don’t want to hear this stuff. It’s been a long day for me. I don’t want to hear how ESL teachers can end classes earlier & get all these gifts. I don’t want to hear that.

Me: So wait. Me sharing these things with you upsets you?

Him: Yes

Me: I’m sorry you’re upset, but how am I supposed to know that sharing my teaching experiences with you will get you upset?

Him: Hello? Common sense.

Me: So let me get this straight. You’re saying that it’s common sense that I SHOULDN’T share anything teacher-related with you because you might get upset, even if it has nothing to do with you? If you share something about teaching with me or about any of your colleagues, I wouldn’t get upset because it has nothing to do with me, so I wouldn’t take it personally.

Him: It’s been a long day. I just want to go to bed.

Me: Well this conversation is going to go nowhere, so I’ll let you go so you can go to bed. Goodnight.

Like WTF??? We’ve been talking for 2.5 weeks & haven’t even met yet, but I’m starting to see red flags! 😶

Top | Newest First | Oldest First

BrewCityBarfly · M

It's why people turn into "Exes". My Ex has a history of shutting me down because it upset her, made her anxious, she had something else going on that day, etc. etc. Quite frankly, as long as I listened, agreed, and never shared, everything was fine.

Just the other day, had a conversation with my Ex about some work I'm having done to my house and I told her I took a peak at some things when the workers were at lunch, and that I might have been able to do my original plan if I had an independent 3rd party come in and evaluate the structure. She told me that was upsetting her because she was having a good day. Huh?

Not really great for the person that just needs to shut up lest something slip. Isn't this something on the order of borderline?

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BrewCityBarfly · M

@SomeMichGuy @marsbar I think the project will go well, and even if I could go with my "dream" plan, it might have been more of a hassle.

And yes, a bit messed up, and it totally sucks when you can't talk freely to a person you think you should be able talk to about anything.

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SomeMichGuy · M

@marsbar That's very kind of you. 😊

Stark

Wow, he sounds like he communicates in an immature way which is a mature flag especially if he’s a grown ass man. 🤢 He’s definitely insecure and it shows. If he’s not able to be happy about these small things you share with him now and instead sees it as a threat or challenge just imagine how it would be further down the line sharing big news of accomplishments with him? Scary.

He’s also super avoidant. Rather than handling the conflict and working through it he’s avoiding it. That’s already a sign the relationship won’t go for or if it does there will be a lot of resentment and tension due to unresolved conflict.

You’ll be miserable if you choose to continue this without at least bringing it to his attention and having him take accountability in being more self aware with himself. Because, it’s clear you two communicate differently.

marsbar · F

@Stark Our communication for the first 10 days was really good. Then I got Covid and wasn’t able to go on our first date. Since then I’ve been noticing certain things that make me go “hmmm”. And with what happened last night, I don’t know if I even want to go on a first date this Sunday.

Stark

@marsbar yeah, honestly that’s how it usually goes the first couple weeks or even month the communication and everything is spot on because people are infatuated and want it to work so badly. I would just take that as a sign that this is something that will be a normal thing in your relationship with him if it were to continue.

BeefySenpie · M

Exchange teaching experiences with me 😏 I better get some cash donations in 9 weeks though or I’m going to start huffing and puffing 😤

marsbar · F

@BeefySenpie Fucking hell eh Beefy?? See what happens when I try to date someone closer to my age? 🙄😄

BeefySenpie · M

@marsbar Since men are the common factor, try women. If that fails, cats are your only option 🤣

marsbar · F

@BeefySenpie I’m not a pet person. Lol

OldBrit · 61-69, M

He doesn't really sounds like an adult to me. He is blaming you for how he feels. Red flag indeed

marsbar · F

@OldBrit Yeah. So disappointing

WhateverWorks · 36-40

Definite flags.
🚩Mind reader expectations
🚩Takes out their bad day on other people
🚩 set up traps where he asks you how your day is, but he’s not actually interested
🚩Is already comfortable speaking to you in a condescending/belittling way
🚩 Considers your form of employment inferior
🚩Doesn’t celebrate your wins
🚩Makes you feel bad about your good days

Run girl..

SomeMichGuy · M

@WhateverWorks Excellent list.

marsbar · F

@WhateverWorks Yup

CestManan · 46-50, F

Since no one mentioned this, I will. He was probably really looking forward to your first date. In new relationships, it is kind of a big step. It was not your fault you had to cancel due to covid but from his perspective, he does not know if you were just looking for an easy excuse to cancel. Before covid people used to say, "I have to take a friend to the hospital".

I mean when people cancel a first date, that too is a red flag. The person who got basically stood up doesn't even care what the reason is, they just know they were looking forward to something and it came crashing down.

Once again it is not your fault but he doesn't know what truly happened. He probably isn't as interested at this point which may be why he acted that way. In the back of his mind he is likely thinking, "She will just find some other excuse not to get together."

marsbar · F

@CestManan Actually, despite my efforts to point out the poor communication we seem to be having during a 25 min phone conversation last night, he still wants to see me. I told him that I’m not sure if we’re really compatible, but he didn’t want to seem to give up.

Yes, he was disappointed that I had to cancel our first date, but he knew my Covid was legit because he could hear me coughing up a lung when we’d be talking on the phone.

SomeMichGuy · M

@marsbar ...you do realize that you might be able to sell that lung on the organ black market, right?

Haniazed

Geez…he sounds like an insecure, narcissistic, and jealous little man, doesn’t he? Definitely red flags…😅🚩🚩🚩

marsbar · F

@Haniazed I don’t think he’s narcissistic, But he’s coming across as bitter and burnt out with his teaching profession.

Haniazed

@marsbar Yeah maybe not but he has a tendency in his conversation to react to your comments by playing victim a little…making it about him. That’s kinda annoying😅

marsbar · F

@Haniazed Yeah, didn’t expect that from him honestly.

SomeMichGuy · M

It's odd.

How could you know it would upset him, a priori?

Why should you think that sharing *teacher* experiences with a *teacher* would be some crazy faux pas?

This guy wants you to walk on eggshells around him. Self-absorbed, silly snowflake.

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marsbar · F

@SomeMichGuy I’m just in disbelief. I was really hopeful initially.

SomeMichGuy · M

@marsbar People started crazy. The pandemic made them worse. Add to that the more-than-arm's-length interaction of being online &...voilà!...you get your situation.

marsbar · F

@SomeMichGuy Yes

uncalled4 · 56-60, M

I want to be fair in my assessment. Here's what I see with this.

My ex-fiance was a teacher. I fully realize that the perks can be, to say the least, few and far between, especially regarding compensation. It was, in my opinion, a *little* tacky to specify how much you got in cash.

That, however, doesn't excuse what I consider to be his conspicuous lack of impulse control. That is, I completely buy that he is frustrated and saddled with a position where he cannot leave early OR get extra tips and gifts as you did. However, this is the "honeymoon" phase and he's already being snippy and accusing you of being inconsiderate("Hello? Common sense"), which is selfishly presumptuous.

This already sounds like an old relationship, where someone is overly petulant and inconsiderate. I'd take this as indicative of how he rolls. And he doesn't even hint at apologizing! (It’s been a long day. I just want to go to bed.) I'd respond "Good for YOU, fuckface!" That was his chance to say "It's not you, it's me....had a bad day...." and he blew it. Dude will absolutely do that again. Could be competition or even professional jealousy, but no matter--he's told you how he will treat you from this point forth. TBH, I've accused women of this, where one unknowingly breaks "rules" that were never communicated...and there's hell to pay, even though these conditions were never spoken of at any time.

Some people are single for a damn good reason(or two!). He probably can't help himself, but none of these shortcomings are your problem. He's a third grade teacher with a third-grader's emotional intelligence. I don't even know him and I dislike him because, as a man, he's making us look bad. You're also a catch; you need and deserve someone who's on your level intellectually and emotionally, not some knuckle-dragging Neanderthal. You deserve respect and consideration and this guy can't give it to you.

Of course, that's just my opinion; I could be wrong. :)

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uncalled4 · 56-60, M

@marsbar If there's already something bothering you to this extent, it might be better to move on. He had an infantile outburst and then didn't truly want to clear the air. Conflict resolution is such a big part of a relationship. Imagine what it might be like with something real on the table.

marsbar · F

@uncalled4 Yes, I know. 😕

uncalled4 · 56-60, M

@marsbar 🤗

SW-User

People who don't celebrate you don't deserve the privilege to be in your life, period

Miram · 31-35, F

You're going to be his mother.

marsbar · F

@Miram He’s 1 year younger than me. Lol

Miram · 31-35, F

@marsbar

He is expecting you to cater to his insecurities instead of him working on them. This sort of people are like puddles , they never change and stay child like. You will end up constantly walking on eggshells to keep him feeling alright as if his mental state is your responsibility.

There are lot of his kind around.

marsbar · F

@Miram Yes, that appears to be the case with him. Sad

Roadsterrider · 56-60, M

From a guys perspective, it sounds like you just started talking to the guy, 2.5 weeks is long enough to get a feel for whether there is chemistry or not. If I had the conversation you had with a woman I had known for a few weeks, you just say students but if it is guys giving gifts, the red flag on my end would be guys giving you gifts. It could just be that you are a damned good teacher and deserve a little extra in the opinion of your students. Or a guy might take it as, "look pal, you need to gift me to keep my attention." Alternatively, maybe after a couple of weeks of talking he is ready to move further in the relationship and talking about work makes him think you aren't.

marsbar · F

@Roadsterrider He talks about his teaching to me every single day that sometimes I don’t even get an opportunity to talk because he’s just that talkative. He’s just odd in certain things that he does & says, which I’ve been noticing in the past week.

Roadsterrider · 56-60, M

@marsbar If he talks about his work, you should be able to talk about your work as well. Sometimes I just need to vent and I probably dominate the conversation, and sometimes my partner needs to vent and dominates the conversation. We are talking about 3 weeks here, is that really long enough to figure out how someone works in a relationship? Or he is just a narcistic A-hole. Have you told him he needs to take a talking break and give you a chance to speak?

marsbar · F

@Roadsterrider We’re both very busy. We’ve had sporadic phone calls, & sometimes by the time I get a chance to talk, I feel rushed because he has to get off the phone. It would be easier to address these things in person, but I still haven’t decided if I want to see him tomorrow.

dumasme · 51-55, M

yep, flag him to the side.... he can't be happy for your fortune, it causes him too wallow on his mis-fortunes. Don't talk to him about getting a raise or going out for a nice dinner with friends, that'll be upsetting too....

marsbar · F

@dumasme Right? 😅

dumasme · 51-55, M

@marsbar Right!

FreeSpirit1 · F

Sounds like a whackadoodle

antonioioio · 70-79, M

Yes, he behaved badly
But is it the case that nither of ye will make the first move 🤔

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Justenjoyit · 61-69, M

@OogieBoogie I just think as you get older the more understanding you have to become towards what people have been though

OogieBoogie · F

@Justenjoyit fair point .

Maybe he cant get beyond himself?
Or realise , there are other options than the one he committed himself to?

It is hard to be faced with ' greener pastures'. And its hard to change.

Maybe he is bitter over his own decisions?

I work at a high school . A tough one.
And i know the full time teachers envy the relief teachers: they get 30% more wage for basically "babysitting" a class. ( some relief teachers spend most of their time on their phone!)

It seems unfair to me . But then, everybody jas a choice dont they?

Justenjoyit · 61-69, M

@OogieBoogie He has to be more understanding too lol

Zeusdelight · 61-69, M

Red flags?

The other person has no choice as to their hours, has just had a long day, is tired and is expected not to react to news that other teachers skip their allocated hours, seemingly, without consequence, and get gifts for their unprofessional behaviour.

I think it is pretty human to be upset. I would be worried if they were not upset.

marsbar · F

@Zeusdelight I don’t think you read the conversation properly. I’m the one that got the gifts, not the teachers that are not teaching their full schedules.

His reaction shouldn’t be excused. It was a 5 min conversation where he asked how my class was, so I told him.

For him to be upset when he’s a full-time elementary school teacher, and I am a part time adult ESL teacher, cannot be compared. If I was an elementary school teacher like he was, then it would be more comparable, but I’m not.

It’s my colleagues who are not teaching the scheduled hours, so shouldn’t I be the one that’s annoyed by that? But I’m not. It’s their business what they choose to do with their class. So if I’m not annoyed, why should he be annoyed and take it personally?

PepsiColaP

Honestly i dont think its personal. I think he needed space ,he probably felt very defeated and i think its fair to ask someone to avoid discussing certain things or topics if theyre not gonna give you anything valuable . But i think that he shouldnt have made that comment about common sense ,which looks like him taking out his frustrations on you.

marsbar · F

@PepsiColaP Yeah, it’s like he’s expecting me to be a mind reader.

Shipwrecked · 46-50, M

On the upside: At least the red flags showed up early. 😔

marsbar · F

@Shipwrecked Yes

xbandoleerx · 56-60, M

These are unknown dimensions which everyone has. Seeing others from a distance is never disturbing bcz we don’t see these. That’s the reason why love erodes and couple split.

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xbandoleerx · 56-60, M

@marsbar Just one disagreement and you are upset. Don’t jump to conclusions and convince yourself to the presence of red flags. Stay positive. Meet him. You might like ten things against this one.

marsbar · F

@xbandoleerx What happened last needs to be discussed. Period

xbandoleerx · 56-60, M

@marsbar Do that when you meet him

Casheyane · 31-35, F

Ahm. That he can't be happy for your happiness looks to be a sign he isn't mature enough. Neither is he partner material.

I get that he's tired, but he could have phrased it with class.

Your call. You can tell him it isn't working and wish him well. But don't expect more.

marsbar · F

@Casheyane Agree. I’ve been noticing some other things too that make me smh.

Jenny1234 · 51-55, F

Wow someone is a big baby

marsbar · F

@Jenny1234 Yes smh

JoyfulSilence · 46-50, M

What a creep.

I mean, even if he is crabby and annoyed, he could be a gentleman and keep it inside.

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marsbar · F

@JoyfulSilence Lol. Thank you for that clarification.

JoyfulSilence · 46-50, M

@marsbar

I hearted this right now, but not to end it because of boredom.

But I have been on here for hours and and am hungry and sleepy.

Have a nice night!

marsbar · F

@JoyfulSilence Have a good rest of your night! 😊

revenant · F

Maybe you spoke too much. I would have given generalities first...

He might have taken it as a pissing contest

marsbar · F

@revenant After he spoke for the first 10 minutes, then he asked me how my class was. So we got into a five minute conversation about my experiences. I don’t think I spoke too much because he tends to be the chatterbox most of the time.

revenant · F

@marsbar I am just used to people asking questions and not really wanting to hear answers....sad you could say and yeah...9999999999999999

marsbar · F

@revenant Awww I’m sorry.

xbandoleerx · 56-60, M

I’m amazed at the responses. No one here knows anyone out of you two and everyone has given the ruling against that fellow without listening to both sides.
That’s hilarious

braveheart21 · 61-69, M

Is this the so called more mature guy that you had high hopes for????

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braveheart21 · 61-69, M

Maybe mature in years but not in personality or sensitivity... Im so sorry love @marsbar

marsbar · F

@braveheart21 Thanks

braveheart21 · 61-69, M

No need to thank me for being honest and a friend @marsbar

losthorizons · 51-55, M

Uh hello. What did I tell you????? You don’t ever listen to me and you should. A red flag? Run as fast as you can!!! You could have had me 😁 lol.

bhatjc · 46-50, M

That idiot. Find a new guy. Common senses. people should talk to each other in a relationship

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JustNik · 51-55, F

My goodness. He should be happy for you!

marsbar · F

@JustNik That’s what I was thinking too.

samueltyler2 · 80-89, M

Some people cheat the system. How are you feeling.

marsbar · F

@samueltyler2 Covid-wise, I’m 95%.

Sepia · 36-40, F

Hiyo 👋 good to see you again 😊

marsbar · F

@Sepia Hi 😇

OhIsMe · 36-40, M

No. This is not the right man.

marsbar · F

@OhIsMe Finding the right guy is so difficult Professor. 😞

GJOFJ3 · 61-69, M

Yup. Definitely plenty of red flags.

Sepia · 36-40, F

Insecure guy..stay away from him.

Hoodski · 36-40, M

Yea that’s ridiculous

darkknightt · M

Definitely red flag

Stillwaiting · M

🤦‍♂️ .. some people

Saintweezer · 36-40, M

Unacceptable

Justenjoyit · 61-69, M

He sounds like he does not know what he wants, I had the same with a work colleague but she lived 6 hours away and we meet as friends for about 10 times. I just think the older we get the hader it becomes to find someone thats why I just stay friends.

marsbar · F

@Justenjoyit It’s sad though. Dating can be grueling & disappointing.

OogieBoogie · F

Im gonna play devils advocate here :

Imagine someone is telling you they do the same job as you , get off early, get paid the same AND Bonuses , and praise for what they do .

Yet you slog away twice the hours for nothing but a basic paycheck.

Id kinda feel jipped too.
Not angry at you, but angry hearing about the inequity and unfairness.

You are dangling a sweeter deal than hes got , for less effort and time , right in front of his face .

Im not suprised hes a bit terse and pissed off.

Not at you , but at the system.

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marsbar · F

@OogieBoogie Yes. Tbh, he can be quite a talker and I would say that every single conversation that we’ve had, he talks about teaching and his experiences. And I have to walk around eggshells with him when I talk about my own experiences? Nah uh, not gonna happen.

OogieBoogie · F

@marsbar seems you have already superseded him and out thought him.

There is no equality here for you , ...which is a shame .

marsbar · F

@OogieBoogie He apologized on text 15 min after we hung up. I haven’t responded & left him on unread. I’ll deal with it tomorrow.

deathfairy ·

ermmm,,, cringe fest. there is a parade walking by waving red flags. dip. now.

V00doo

He sounds like a brat.

marsbar · F

@V00doo I was floored by his reaction.

V00doo

@marsbar I would be too.

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

He’s very immature. I would be kicking his ass to the curb.

You deserve better than that.

SW-User

Oh my gosh, he sounds jealous and red flag, red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

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SW-User

@marsbar, just be smart... okay? Like this is the phase of first impressions. If this guy is acting like this now, what will he be like when he's all comfy? Get him outta here. 👀

You deserve someone significantly better.

SomeMichGuy · M

@SW-User 👆👆👆

marsbar · F

@SW-User The first 10 days of talking to him & video chatting were really nice. Then I started noticing some things, but this takes the cake.

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SW-User

@marsbar yes it was time for a change: )

samueltyler2 · 80-89, M

@marsbar i am more concerned regarding to the smell and taste. Fing a long-COVID program. Maybe they can.helpn

marsbar · F

@samueltyler2 Thanks D

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