I am losing ground

I am a ghost that only exists in this tiny space that renders every morning. This is my home. This is my office. This is my tomb.
My spere of influence no longer extends outside the confines of this sandbox environment. I am even starting to question my influence within it. Surely there has to be a space for me too inside my home?

Life has not halted… just my place in it has been obscured
I tread eggshells in this cage of mine and wait for life to happen to me… As I no longer have the influence to exert my will upon the world, I stand by and watch the world exert its will on me instead and hope that some piece of me remains after

Faces come and go; all with their own needs and demands of me. I have no voice… yet this is supposed to be my life – my home. I am losing ground. I can not meet these demands anymore. I no longer possess the energy. I cannot keep these faces happy… I can’t even keep myself happy anymore.

I keep wondering if it won’t be better if I just stop living altogether. I can’t help anyone; I can’t give anymore… my resources have been depleted. Perhaps if I were dead, it would be less of a disappointment that I can’t give any of you what you want from me anymore.

It has been a while since I went looking at what I need and what I want. The question is never posed; thus, I can never be disappointed by the outcome. Yet now it is deafeningly loud… I need a break. I need this all to end. Life needs to end. I am not cut out for this. I need some space to be as well, yet this is not afforded to me. Everyone else takes precedence, everyone else’s needs always trump mine. I have no space, I have no voice, all I have are expectations and obligations that I can no longer meet. I am sorry.

LadyGrace Best Comment

Been there. I know exactly what you're talking about. It happens to the best, but you don't have to stay there anymore. I refuse to ever go there again. We never know when things like this will happen. They're not just all of the sudden, one day, there! This is an accumulation of not keeping our lives in line and loving ourselves enough to take control. Things pile up and pile up, when we should have taken care of them a long time ago. Not saying we can help that because sometimes when we're hurting really bad, we don't notice how these things have slipped up on us. But you can take control. You really can. If I can do it after somebody broke my heart to pieces, I know you can do it. There's nothing that you can't do, and I'm proof. You do not have to live this way. We are not chained to our circumstances. The truth sets one free.

diablo · 46-50, M

LadyGrace indeed did give the best BA, so much so that there is nothing to add other than the fact that it's simply good to see you back on here. Your presence has certainly been missed and SW would be a much darker place without your light.

Lullacus · 31-35, F

@diablo Thank you. In all honesty, I only ever seem to find my way here when things are chaotic and I cannot deal... So I write, it has always been a cathartic experience that helps me to put things into context.