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My husband gives himself an incredibly hard time over his mistakes.
His mother and maternal uncle were tyrannical in their expectations of perfect behaviour - and since he had ADD (probably ADHD when young) and they didn't know it - he was constantly making mistakes over which he had zero neurological capacity for control.
The result was that they came down hard on him every time. He grew up to have very low self-esteem and high levels of self doubt. He can put his foot down hard on things that matter deeply to him - but most of the time he flounders over the most minute of decisions, terrified of making mistakes because of the crushing effect when he judges himself harshly. He has internalised his early caregivers' attitudes.
I'm trying to get him to understand that mistakes don't usually matter because most are easily corrected; they are events that can be embraced with enthusiasm as opportunities to learn.
His mother and maternal uncle were tyrannical in their expectations of perfect behaviour - and since he had ADD (probably ADHD when young) and they didn't know it - he was constantly making mistakes over which he had zero neurological capacity for control.
The result was that they came down hard on him every time. He grew up to have very low self-esteem and high levels of self doubt. He can put his foot down hard on things that matter deeply to him - but most of the time he flounders over the most minute of decisions, terrified of making mistakes because of the crushing effect when he judges himself harshly. He has internalised his early caregivers' attitudes.
I'm trying to get him to understand that mistakes don't usually matter because most are easily corrected; they are events that can be embraced with enthusiasm as opportunities to learn.
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@Mindful To my mind, the very fact that you introspect and self-question like this is a sign of emotional intelligence at work and growing.
Almost everyone is walking wounded to a greater or lesser degree. So the more we mature, the more we become aware of the need to find ways to deal appropriately with the reactiveness in ourselves and in others.
I suspect that possibly you might be being unduly hard on yourself.
Almost everyone is walking wounded to a greater or lesser degree. So the more we mature, the more we become aware of the need to find ways to deal appropriately with the reactiveness in ourselves and in others.
I suspect that possibly you might be being unduly hard on yourself.
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Doomflower · 36-40, M
PrivateHell · M