Although I’m doing better I’m still

Feeling deep pangs of self hate and insecurity.. and feel like an idiot most days. I don’t understand why I am embarrassed of my mistakes

I feel like I’m going thru puberty

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hartfire · 61-69

My husband gives himself an incredibly hard time over his mistakes.
His mother and maternal uncle were tyrannical in their expectations of perfect behaviour - and since he had ADD (probably ADHD when young) and they didn't know it - he was constantly making mistakes over which he had zero neurological capacity for control.
The result was that they came down hard on him every time. He grew up to have very low self-esteem and high levels of self doubt. He can put his foot down hard on things that matter deeply to him - but most of the time he flounders over the most minute of decisions, terrified of making mistakes because of the crushing effect when he judges himself harshly. He has internalised his early caregivers' attitudes.
I'm trying to get him to understand that mistakes don't usually matter because most are easily corrected; they are events that can be embraced with enthusiasm as opportunities to learn.

Mindful · 56-60, F

@hartfire Thank you. I think he’s blessed to have you in his life. No one ever made me feel bad about myself. I simply do feel bad about myself. I understand the mistakes I make ONLY AFtER I make them and I feel so foolish. And the painful realization is embarrassing when others witness it.

hartfire · 61-69

@Mindful Are you normally a very bright and intelligent person who doesn't make too many mistakes?

Mindful · 56-60, F

@hartfire lol... normally? No. I’m very average.
my friends are much more intelligent. I catch my errors, And they are regrettable. I think I have been comforting myself by saying I’m being honest? But honesty can hurt others. I think I’m losing my sensitivity chip? It may happen as people age? We just stop caring what other people think ?? But I do care about people. So yeah. I’m just hating my stupid mistakes. Whether it’s in the details or if I’m lacking social intelligence.

hartfire · 61-69

@Mindful No one is born with emotional intelligence. It's learned and always learnable.
We can become less or more empathic by choice.
When we pay close attention to feeling our own feelings, it allows us to more easily recognise and understand the feelings of others.
It's great to be honest - far better than the kind of politeness that tries to avoid conflicts only to end up with far greater misunderstandings and resentments further down the track.
But there are ways of being honest which are far less likely to trigger negative responses in others. You could try Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication. There are free videos online, the books are low priced, and there a free weekly practice groups almost everywhere.

Mindful · 56-60, F

Thank you. I have always believed I self discover and being cautious in conversation. I honestly think my brain is regressing a little. Perhaps there is some other destiny for me at the end of this open honest communication@hartfire

hartfire · 61-69

@Mindful To my mind, the very fact that you introspect and self-question like this is a sign of emotional intelligence at work and growing.
Almost everyone is walking wounded to a greater or lesser degree. So the more we mature, the more we become aware of the need to find ways to deal appropriately with the reactiveness in ourselves and in others.
I suspect that possibly you might be being unduly hard on yourself.

Mindful · 56-60, F

Holy moly....such wise words ....Thank you. I need a kind dose of your wisdom right now. @hartfire