Not sure if I'm ready

My therapist thinks I really need to start talking about my sister. I never do. Only the day she was killed. I rarely talk about her when she was alive because it hurts to much. But he feels it's is important for me to do this. I've pretty blocked out any good memories of her. I never think of them. I only think back to the that day! I just don't know if I can do this. He's not forcing me or anything it's just a recommendation that he thinks will help.

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Coralmist · 41-45, F

I think it would be a kind of mental balm, over time, to talk about her being, her good traits that made her Her, and Maybe some good days you had together will slowly drift back into memory. Your mind numbed everything in survival or sadness/shame. But what occurred YOU COULD NOT have controlled. It was utterly an accident that happened..and her spirit is always alive. I think slowly talking over time will honor her even more 🩷🌹

Cigarguy · 41-45, M

@Coralmist the biggest thing is I need to stop blaming myself for what happened. I feel like I don't deserve to remember the good times with her. Only that day.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@Cigarguy Say this hypothetically occurred to your son. You'd not ever ever ever say to him it was ANY part of his doing..HE'S A CHILD AND YOU WERE A CHILD. That's the truth you need to see and know. You deserve to remember all parts of her because a. It was not your fault in any way , b. You were brother and sister and c. She's alive , her soul, when you/someone talks of her 🌺

Cigarguy · 41-45, M

@Coralmist I feel horrible, you are so right. My kids don't even know her name because I never allowed myself to say it since that day. They know nothing about her except for the way she died. That's awful of me to do that to her.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@Cigarguy No you have never meant to be awful about any of it or her. Grief and shame are not our truth, that's all. It really hides our true being. Maybe you can slowly think of her and talk of her over time in therapy, and slowly bring her times with you to your kids as well ❤ I think they'd really like it, and you may too🌞

Cigarguy · 41-45, M

@Coralmist I need to do something I can't keep carrying all the guilt, grief and fear around. Each year it gets worse and harder for me not better. I am doing so well, I can't spiral into depression right now.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@Cigarguy I think if you can pivot your thought that it's your fault, that's the key. She'd never say that either, your sister. It's just not the truth. You deserve to feel her and talk about her..truly. I'm so sorry you were made to think you were the reason this happened but , it's not sensible, realistic, or what actually happened. Lots of hugs my friend 🫂