I Never Knew my Dad.

My dad has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. Growing up, he was always angry, hard to please, and abusive. I spent so much of my life trying to earn his love and make him proud, but nothing ever felt good enough. I can’t even remember the last time he told me he loved me or said he was proud of me.

His drinking brought so much pain into our family and forced me to carry burdens I was never supposed to carry as a child. The hospital visits, the DUIs, the brokenness, the chaos, it never truly stopped. Even when he gets sober for a little while, it never lasts. He always goes back to drinking. One moment he can be loving, and the next he becomes someone completely different. Living with someone like that messes with you mentally and emotionally.

What hurts me deeply is knowing that he grew up in a loving family with caring parents, yet somehow I never got that. I never really got to know my father outside of his addiction, anger, and pain. Alcohol became the version of him I knew most. Instead of memories of feeling safe, protected, or deeply loved by my dad, so many of my memories are tied to fear, disappointment, confusion, and hurt.

As he gets older and his drinking continues, it breaks my heart to think that one day he may leave this world and I’ll still feel like I never truly knew who my father really was underneath the alcoholism. It feels like addiction stole that relationship from me before I ever had the chance to experience it. And that is one of the hardest things for me to accept, because regardless of everything, I still love my father. He is still my dad, and a part of me will always wish I could have known the version of him that existed beyond the drinking and pain.