Thinking about my husband

I'm trying to keep smiling for him and most days I'm managing to. "Keep smiling baby girl" I know that's what he'd say to me but the truth is some days it's so hard. I don't want to do life without him. What I feel like today is going to bed. Putting the duvet over my head and going to sleep. And never waking up. Everyone thinks I'm so together and capable. Because I'm the queen of putting on a brave face and faking it. But honestly, I have no fecking clue what I'm doing. My husband, he was my rock. An anchor in the storm of life. He made sense of the craziness. But in the blink of an eye. It was all snatched away and I don't know how to adjust. I'm tired of trying.