Part of me wants to live again the other part just wants to close all the doors and stay inside .

Everything is normal in grief, it's a merry go round of emotions and it seems like you can never get off at times. I'm a bit ahead of you on this journey, I lost my husband to a brain hemorrhage in August 2024. Although nothing will ever be the same again, different is not necessarily terrible and we have to keep going for both the memory of our husbands and for our family and friends. Love and hugs for you xx

We sometimes just have 'to be' and not worry about 'normal' or anything else. Each person's grief journey is unique, but there will, I hope, be at least one person who will be alongside you on the way to support.

Maybe whatever you honestly feel is normal.