this time last year i kept making jokes about how id have the best october of my life bc i was single, & both times id been cheated on had been in oct

That's harsh. I'm always conscious of the fact that loss and/or ill health can come at any time and that's because I've experienced plenty of both. I think that the experiences have given me better foresight though, so that's one good outcome at least.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Grief doesn't ever get lighter. We just get used to carrying the weight.