I lost everything 2
Then the second appointment finally came, this time is was a proper operation and took a while to heal. And just like the last time, we had to wait for a couple of weeks for the results, while I visited the hospital several time a week cause I know had a casket on my arm. Then the results finally came in and just like the first biopsy, the result said the tumor was not cancerous. The doctor said, still, they couldn't take it out, cause I won't be able to use what ever would be left of my arm. However, if it keeps growing and starts to hurt, they can inject a substance to close the vain to the tumor, to help reduce it's size, but that all they can do. And that was it, I was done with that...
I wanted to show I much I appreciated eveything my family did for me so far, How they were there for me. So since it was christmas time, I decided to buy a gift for everyone at home, tho I don't have much, I still did have some money saved up, and i thought it was worth it, I made sure it wasn't just a generic thing, I put some thought into it.
2 weeks later, my step dad called my to the kitchen and sat me down, he then said "We've been talking at home... And something has to change, you can't spend you life doing nothing, cause we all have jobs, we all do something, everything I own goes into this house, I don't keep anything for myself, you are 27 years old, you have to take some economic responsibility, from now on, at the ending of the month, you need to pay at least 300€, and that being generous, cause you won't find a room like that in this city for that low price, so you find a job before the month ends, and pay, or you leave, don't look for a job as a pilot cause you aren't gonna get it, look for a real job, and no one is buying my excuses, no one believes I am actually looking, cause a person who's looking for a job won't be at home all day, and would have found something by now"
My mom talked to me about it a couple of days later, saying they all got together and decided, I get a job or my stepdad said he would kick me out by the ending of the month, she said my stepdad asked her to choose, him or me, that he said if she choose me he will leave, and she said she can't lose him, cause he chips in and helps around with the expenses. That she has fought too hard to lose everything because of me, and if time comes, and he wants to kick me out, she won't stand in the way, she literally said that; she chooses him and won't stand in his way if he wants me gone. She said he told her he gave me the first 5 days of next month to pay, or he will then kick me out.
This was just 2 weeks after I was officially told I didn't have cancer, during which my mom told me to stop looking for jobs untill this situation was sort out. I really tried, every morning, I woke up, spent a couple of hours going from company to company, just handing out my CV, then got home and check the usual job sites, sent and respond emails, and did that for the rest of the day and the next day again. Somewhere during all of this, I decided I wasn't gonna live on the streets, I have seen people that live on the streets, they are miserable, I always wonder if someday I would end up like them... And now I was so close to that nightmare, thanks to the whole cancer thing, I understood the most important thing about life is living it, when you are actually facing the end, you don't think about how much money you have, how much you created, if you made a name for yourself... No, you think the I live enough to accept death, do what you really enjoy in life, cause life isn't worth it if you aren't living it. So I decided, if they actually kick me out, I'll end it, no doubt, I will put and end to it all...
Then finally, the last day of the month came, my stepdad didn't even wait untill the first of next month as mom said he would, he charged into my room in the morning, screaming my name, I then woke up and looked up at him, he then said "Do you have a job??"
And I said no
"CAN YOU PAY!!?"
I said no..
Then he said "Then I want you out! I don't wanna see you here when I get back!"
So I packed a couple of things and left...
I had no idea what to do, where to go... So I just went up to the mountains and sat down for sometime, I then texted a friend of mine and explained what just happened, he couldn't believe it, he was shocked, he gave me a bunch of recommendations of where to go to sleep, where to go to eat and a pastor I could talk to that could help. But I had already made my mind up, I already had a plan, I wasn't gonna last through the night...
There is a public building in a big city not too far a way, the building is called Halo, cause it's high up in the sky and had a circle on top, like a halo, it was only a year old, yet, ironically, it was already known as a suicide spot, cause a bunch of people already jumped off the halo. I knew if someone were to jump off there won't survive the fall, it wasn't a 50/50 thing, it wasn't a "Oh he broke his legs, or spine but he is still alive" it was the real deal...
I didn't tell the friend I was talking about this cause I didn't want him to talk me out of it, I didn't want him to force me to live this life... But.. I wrote a note, basically saying goodbye to my little brother, and how much his older brother love, adore and has always cared for him and forever will, and that I never understood family love untill he came into my life. And how I blame no one else my family, no mental health issues were to be blamed, they made me do this. I had it planned out.. I was gonna take the last train or bus to the city, walk over to the halo, and early in the morning, while everyone sleeps... Just jump off. I had no where else to be. My phone was running out of power fast, which is something I never noticed cause I really don't spend so much time away from place I could charge my phone. Lucky I had my computer with me, that still have some juice, so I changed my phone with that. I cried, I cried so much I felt like my body ran out of tears and made fresh ones, I felt my tears hot on my face, like I never felt it before. So I called the suicide line... The lady on the other side was calm, and asked a bunch of questions, she asked if I was calling cause I have been thinking about for a while or am I about to do it, I told her both, I had a plan and I would do it before the day ends, she tried to talk about why I feel that way, I explained and she said she could send someone to come get me and take me back to my family and help explain what how I felt, maybe that might help them see how much they've hurt me, I said no, I don't wanna go back, plus I know them.. all they say is that I am making a scene, that all they did was ask a grown man to get a job and the decided he was gonna take his life, cause that how they see it. I don't remember how but that conversation ended, and I decided to go and sleep at one of the shelters my friend recommended. There they were a bunch of people, they asked for some info to sign me in. There, it all came back again, so I had to call the suicide line again, and explain how I felt. This time a different lady answered, she asked the same questions the first lady asked before asking what happened and why do I feel the way I do. I explained everything and I honestly don't remember what she said but it helped me.. so I went back inside. At the shelter, there were dorms for women, and other for men, separated. They made dinner for everyone, but I couldn't eat, this I was hungry, I wasn't ready to be with people and talk, cause I knew at the dinner table they'll ask.. so I declined and went to be, the bed was small, we were 4 guys in one room, all older than me. They complained I spent too long in the shower, they complained about the light coming from my phone, saying it keeps waking them up... But I couldn't sleep... And 2 of the other 3 snored the whole night, it was almost synchronized, one, then the other, one, then the other, one, then the other.. as interesting as that was, it made it harder to sleep, and I could use my phone to entertain myself...
I some point I finally fell asleep, then woke up really early in the morning, cause we had to leave the shelter. I then went back home.. I didn't know what to expect, when my mom saw me, she asked "Where were you?" I said "Your husband kicked me out, so I slept on the streets" she then went to talk to him and came back, she said he was mad, cause apparently I misunderstood what he said, he wasn't trying to kick me out, but wanted me to go out and get a job... Tho he didn't say anything about "job" when he said he didn't wanna see me when he gets back. My mom keep nagging me, just saying stuff like "Take a look at yourself, you are the only problem I have, you are the reason I can't sleep" This, mixed with the fact I hand eaten anything for more than 24h, barely slept, been crying my eyes out... I felt dizzy, I have fainted before twice, both times in front of her, while she was nagging me about life, and I could feel it coming, my head boiling up, getting harder and harder to stand... So while she kept going, I just turned around and stumbled back to my room while she kept screaming at me. Once I got to my room I basically fell in my bed, she came in and said "Look at you, take a look at yourself, is this life???" While I was trying not to pass out and calm myself.
She then asked my to go to the local supermarket and get some wine for her, so I went down. While at the supermarket, still dizzy, I accidentally knock a bottle and it fell and broke, red wine stained the ground, I then bent down as if I could some how clean it, then I looked up and saw my older sister at the cashier looking down at my... As if I was some sort of criminal she was disgusted by... I never got along with her, as my mom always said, we are both like night and day, cat and rat, but that day, that look... broke any hope of reconciliation. The cashier then said "Don't worry about it! It's ok! We'll clean it up! Leave it!" So I did. I always said, tho I made it through the night that day, a part of me died.. the part of me that hope I might someday connect with my family as one of them.. and ever since, life just feels different, tho I ok now, there is this constant fear, constant uncertainty, distrust and coldness, as if something in me died, but it's still in me, cold, dead, lifess, and I can feel it, as if it's gonna be there forever, it didn't die and disappear, it feels like constantly carrying a corpse inside..
I then went back home and the next day gave my CV a new look, made new copies of it, and went out again to different companies just hand out copies, I singed up for anything, everything, anywhere and everywhere, I would find a way to move if I have to, I don't wanna be here anyway... A friend took me to his work place and I left a copy of my CV there. It felt like I was living off of anxiety as fuel.. constantly in unease, I had to sneak out of my room at night to go get something to eat, or pray no one will find me in the kitchen getting food, cause I just know they thought it was horrible of me to be eating food they paid for when I have no job, I was afraid of leaving my room even to pie, fear of running into them and their disappointed judgements, afraid of being in the same space as them, cause I knew what they'll say. Made tons of calls to different companies, sent tons of mails and barely got any answer. False hopes and yet nothing, but I kept trying, life felt dark, I couldn't live with myself, I couldn't stand being me, I couldn't stand existing, I would constantly get little panic attacks and keep to leave any public room I walk into to get some air. Then a few offers came in, as a waiter so dinners known to be really bad with it's staff, so they are constantly hiring cause people kept quiting... It was something, it was also close, so I was basically waiting for a call asking me to come over for an interview. Then one morning, my stepdad barged into my room, and said "ARE YOU STILL IN BED!?" I didn't say anything, tho I was in bed, I had been awak for hours signing up for different jobs. Disgusted, he looked down at me and said "There is chicken in the oven, keep an eye on it.." and left. Hours later I got a call, from a guy who asked me if I could come in for an interview that afternoon, as an assistant, right in the middle of our small town, This was PERFECT, it what I have been looking for! But it was just an interview, I didn't have job just yet. I got ready and prepared a couple of things and went to the interview, he asked me literally 2 questions, if I am good with social media, and where I studied, then he said he liked the fact I speak English, cause they have people come from different place around the word, having someone around fluent in English would be helpful, and as he said that, a black lady behind me presented herself in English, sort of like a test, which I aced. The guy interviewing my decided then and there, he said "You start tomorrow at 10, 4h a day, make sure to bring these documents" and that was that, I basically left the office jumping out of joy. The next day, my first day, went well and I went back home after I was done, when I got home I went to do the dishes, while I was doing that, I stepdad came over, put a hand on my shoulder and asked softly "How did it go? How was your first day" and I just said "Fine"
The same man that literally less than 24h back, screamed and looked down at me as if I was some sort of criminal... I knew then and there... I can never trust you.. as soon I I started paying them, they treated me different, they are way nicer, calmer and treat me with respect now. But I remind myself, they don't respect me out of care, I am buying their respect. I have a plan, and soon I will leave and make sure they can't find me.
Thinking back, I have never got a check from which my mom didn't take a portion of for herself, even my scholarship from school, she out something for herself... How am I suppose to trust and love them? They tell everyone I am a spoiled, lazy brat, but at the point I don't care about there opinions. I know who I am, and I don't need their validation.
At the company, I started 4h per, and just a month later they made it 8h a day, which double my paycheck. And a couple of weeks ago I signed a permanent contract with the company.. so I am happy with myself. I bought myself a gaming PC in my birthday, so many new cloths, and I eat whatever I want.
I wanted to show I much I appreciated eveything my family did for me so far, How they were there for me. So since it was christmas time, I decided to buy a gift for everyone at home, tho I don't have much, I still did have some money saved up, and i thought it was worth it, I made sure it wasn't just a generic thing, I put some thought into it.
2 weeks later, my step dad called my to the kitchen and sat me down, he then said "We've been talking at home... And something has to change, you can't spend you life doing nothing, cause we all have jobs, we all do something, everything I own goes into this house, I don't keep anything for myself, you are 27 years old, you have to take some economic responsibility, from now on, at the ending of the month, you need to pay at least 300€, and that being generous, cause you won't find a room like that in this city for that low price, so you find a job before the month ends, and pay, or you leave, don't look for a job as a pilot cause you aren't gonna get it, look for a real job, and no one is buying my excuses, no one believes I am actually looking, cause a person who's looking for a job won't be at home all day, and would have found something by now"
My mom talked to me about it a couple of days later, saying they all got together and decided, I get a job or my stepdad said he would kick me out by the ending of the month, she said my stepdad asked her to choose, him or me, that he said if she choose me he will leave, and she said she can't lose him, cause he chips in and helps around with the expenses. That she has fought too hard to lose everything because of me, and if time comes, and he wants to kick me out, she won't stand in the way, she literally said that; she chooses him and won't stand in his way if he wants me gone. She said he told her he gave me the first 5 days of next month to pay, or he will then kick me out.
This was just 2 weeks after I was officially told I didn't have cancer, during which my mom told me to stop looking for jobs untill this situation was sort out. I really tried, every morning, I woke up, spent a couple of hours going from company to company, just handing out my CV, then got home and check the usual job sites, sent and respond emails, and did that for the rest of the day and the next day again. Somewhere during all of this, I decided I wasn't gonna live on the streets, I have seen people that live on the streets, they are miserable, I always wonder if someday I would end up like them... And now I was so close to that nightmare, thanks to the whole cancer thing, I understood the most important thing about life is living it, when you are actually facing the end, you don't think about how much money you have, how much you created, if you made a name for yourself... No, you think the I live enough to accept death, do what you really enjoy in life, cause life isn't worth it if you aren't living it. So I decided, if they actually kick me out, I'll end it, no doubt, I will put and end to it all...
Then finally, the last day of the month came, my stepdad didn't even wait untill the first of next month as mom said he would, he charged into my room in the morning, screaming my name, I then woke up and looked up at him, he then said "Do you have a job??"
And I said no
"CAN YOU PAY!!?"
I said no..
Then he said "Then I want you out! I don't wanna see you here when I get back!"
So I packed a couple of things and left...
I had no idea what to do, where to go... So I just went up to the mountains and sat down for sometime, I then texted a friend of mine and explained what just happened, he couldn't believe it, he was shocked, he gave me a bunch of recommendations of where to go to sleep, where to go to eat and a pastor I could talk to that could help. But I had already made my mind up, I already had a plan, I wasn't gonna last through the night...
There is a public building in a big city not too far a way, the building is called Halo, cause it's high up in the sky and had a circle on top, like a halo, it was only a year old, yet, ironically, it was already known as a suicide spot, cause a bunch of people already jumped off the halo. I knew if someone were to jump off there won't survive the fall, it wasn't a 50/50 thing, it wasn't a "Oh he broke his legs, or spine but he is still alive" it was the real deal...
I didn't tell the friend I was talking about this cause I didn't want him to talk me out of it, I didn't want him to force me to live this life... But.. I wrote a note, basically saying goodbye to my little brother, and how much his older brother love, adore and has always cared for him and forever will, and that I never understood family love untill he came into my life. And how I blame no one else my family, no mental health issues were to be blamed, they made me do this. I had it planned out.. I was gonna take the last train or bus to the city, walk over to the halo, and early in the morning, while everyone sleeps... Just jump off. I had no where else to be. My phone was running out of power fast, which is something I never noticed cause I really don't spend so much time away from place I could charge my phone. Lucky I had my computer with me, that still have some juice, so I changed my phone with that. I cried, I cried so much I felt like my body ran out of tears and made fresh ones, I felt my tears hot on my face, like I never felt it before. So I called the suicide line... The lady on the other side was calm, and asked a bunch of questions, she asked if I was calling cause I have been thinking about for a while or am I about to do it, I told her both, I had a plan and I would do it before the day ends, she tried to talk about why I feel that way, I explained and she said she could send someone to come get me and take me back to my family and help explain what how I felt, maybe that might help them see how much they've hurt me, I said no, I don't wanna go back, plus I know them.. all they say is that I am making a scene, that all they did was ask a grown man to get a job and the decided he was gonna take his life, cause that how they see it. I don't remember how but that conversation ended, and I decided to go and sleep at one of the shelters my friend recommended. There they were a bunch of people, they asked for some info to sign me in. There, it all came back again, so I had to call the suicide line again, and explain how I felt. This time a different lady answered, she asked the same questions the first lady asked before asking what happened and why do I feel the way I do. I explained everything and I honestly don't remember what she said but it helped me.. so I went back inside. At the shelter, there were dorms for women, and other for men, separated. They made dinner for everyone, but I couldn't eat, this I was hungry, I wasn't ready to be with people and talk, cause I knew at the dinner table they'll ask.. so I declined and went to be, the bed was small, we were 4 guys in one room, all older than me. They complained I spent too long in the shower, they complained about the light coming from my phone, saying it keeps waking them up... But I couldn't sleep... And 2 of the other 3 snored the whole night, it was almost synchronized, one, then the other, one, then the other, one, then the other.. as interesting as that was, it made it harder to sleep, and I could use my phone to entertain myself...
I some point I finally fell asleep, then woke up really early in the morning, cause we had to leave the shelter. I then went back home.. I didn't know what to expect, when my mom saw me, she asked "Where were you?" I said "Your husband kicked me out, so I slept on the streets" she then went to talk to him and came back, she said he was mad, cause apparently I misunderstood what he said, he wasn't trying to kick me out, but wanted me to go out and get a job... Tho he didn't say anything about "job" when he said he didn't wanna see me when he gets back. My mom keep nagging me, just saying stuff like "Take a look at yourself, you are the only problem I have, you are the reason I can't sleep" This, mixed with the fact I hand eaten anything for more than 24h, barely slept, been crying my eyes out... I felt dizzy, I have fainted before twice, both times in front of her, while she was nagging me about life, and I could feel it coming, my head boiling up, getting harder and harder to stand... So while she kept going, I just turned around and stumbled back to my room while she kept screaming at me. Once I got to my room I basically fell in my bed, she came in and said "Look at you, take a look at yourself, is this life???" While I was trying not to pass out and calm myself.
She then asked my to go to the local supermarket and get some wine for her, so I went down. While at the supermarket, still dizzy, I accidentally knock a bottle and it fell and broke, red wine stained the ground, I then bent down as if I could some how clean it, then I looked up and saw my older sister at the cashier looking down at my... As if I was some sort of criminal she was disgusted by... I never got along with her, as my mom always said, we are both like night and day, cat and rat, but that day, that look... broke any hope of reconciliation. The cashier then said "Don't worry about it! It's ok! We'll clean it up! Leave it!" So I did. I always said, tho I made it through the night that day, a part of me died.. the part of me that hope I might someday connect with my family as one of them.. and ever since, life just feels different, tho I ok now, there is this constant fear, constant uncertainty, distrust and coldness, as if something in me died, but it's still in me, cold, dead, lifess, and I can feel it, as if it's gonna be there forever, it didn't die and disappear, it feels like constantly carrying a corpse inside..
I then went back home and the next day gave my CV a new look, made new copies of it, and went out again to different companies just hand out copies, I singed up for anything, everything, anywhere and everywhere, I would find a way to move if I have to, I don't wanna be here anyway... A friend took me to his work place and I left a copy of my CV there. It felt like I was living off of anxiety as fuel.. constantly in unease, I had to sneak out of my room at night to go get something to eat, or pray no one will find me in the kitchen getting food, cause I just know they thought it was horrible of me to be eating food they paid for when I have no job, I was afraid of leaving my room even to pie, fear of running into them and their disappointed judgements, afraid of being in the same space as them, cause I knew what they'll say. Made tons of calls to different companies, sent tons of mails and barely got any answer. False hopes and yet nothing, but I kept trying, life felt dark, I couldn't live with myself, I couldn't stand being me, I couldn't stand existing, I would constantly get little panic attacks and keep to leave any public room I walk into to get some air. Then a few offers came in, as a waiter so dinners known to be really bad with it's staff, so they are constantly hiring cause people kept quiting... It was something, it was also close, so I was basically waiting for a call asking me to come over for an interview. Then one morning, my stepdad barged into my room, and said "ARE YOU STILL IN BED!?" I didn't say anything, tho I was in bed, I had been awak for hours signing up for different jobs. Disgusted, he looked down at me and said "There is chicken in the oven, keep an eye on it.." and left. Hours later I got a call, from a guy who asked me if I could come in for an interview that afternoon, as an assistant, right in the middle of our small town, This was PERFECT, it what I have been looking for! But it was just an interview, I didn't have job just yet. I got ready and prepared a couple of things and went to the interview, he asked me literally 2 questions, if I am good with social media, and where I studied, then he said he liked the fact I speak English, cause they have people come from different place around the word, having someone around fluent in English would be helpful, and as he said that, a black lady behind me presented herself in English, sort of like a test, which I aced. The guy interviewing my decided then and there, he said "You start tomorrow at 10, 4h a day, make sure to bring these documents" and that was that, I basically left the office jumping out of joy. The next day, my first day, went well and I went back home after I was done, when I got home I went to do the dishes, while I was doing that, I stepdad came over, put a hand on my shoulder and asked softly "How did it go? How was your first day" and I just said "Fine"
The same man that literally less than 24h back, screamed and looked down at me as if I was some sort of criminal... I knew then and there... I can never trust you.. as soon I I started paying them, they treated me different, they are way nicer, calmer and treat me with respect now. But I remind myself, they don't respect me out of care, I am buying their respect. I have a plan, and soon I will leave and make sure they can't find me.
Thinking back, I have never got a check from which my mom didn't take a portion of for herself, even my scholarship from school, she out something for herself... How am I suppose to trust and love them? They tell everyone I am a spoiled, lazy brat, but at the point I don't care about there opinions. I know who I am, and I don't need their validation.
At the company, I started 4h per, and just a month later they made it 8h a day, which double my paycheck. And a couple of weeks ago I signed a permanent contract with the company.. so I am happy with myself. I bought myself a gaming PC in my birthday, so many new cloths, and I eat whatever I want.
