I am really struggling to comprehend...

I am truly sorry for your pain. One thing I know, is that Satan will do anything to tell us lies about the Lord so that we will not stay with Him.

Many get the mistaken notion that God is up there, just waiting to beat us over the head, every time we sin, but nothing could be further from the truth. Once we repent and ask God to forgive us, that brings you right back into fellowship with God immediately, and all your sins are forgiven and forgotten. And if you're worried about sins that you do, that you are not aware of, the Holy Spirit speaks on our behalf to our Heavenly Father. When we are unsure how to pray or don’t know what to pray for, the Holy Spirit “groans” within our hearts with words that cannot be uttered or expressed.

Jesus said I will never leave you nor forsake you. He is sad when he loses even one soul that turns away from Him. It is not about Christianity. Christians are called by that name because they follow Christ and Christianity is a way of life, not some religion. It has to do with a personal relationship with God the Father, His Son, and the Holy Spirit. Please rest assured that God would never try to harm you or abandon you. It is not in his character. Whenever we find ourselves confused about what we believe, the Bible says that Satan is the author of confusion and he will tell us any lie to get us away from God, so that tells us that God is the way, and we can never ever go wrong by following Jesus.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts, knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints (believers) according to the will of God. Romans 8:26-27

The eighth chapter of Paul’s Epistle to the church at Rome begins with a wonderful statement: “There is, therefore, now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

Satan is the one causing confusion, not God. So do not believe the lies he is telling you. Instead, know, believe, and trust, that God keeps His promises. He has to. He is perfect and cannot lie. However, other groups in this world are false teachers and they will tell you lies, but do not believe them. The biggest lie that Satan has told us, is that all paths lead to Christ. They do not. And Jesus is the one who set the standard on what is the right way to walk or not and man cannot change that. It is what Jesus said that will come to pass, you may rest assured. When He says you are forgiven, you are forgiven. That's the end of it. God forgets all about it and He wants you to, as well. He cannot lie. So we can rest in the joy of our salvation and freedom in Christ. You are not a slave to sin.

God is a loving Father that wants to love and forgive us . God forgives us and our sincere prayer, the moment we pray it. God never holds grudges. He's not even mad. He wouldn't want you beating yourself up when he has already forgiven you and remembers your sins no more. You're not expected to be perfect. We will never be perfect until we go to heaven. Then we shall be made in His image. We already are, but when we get to heaven we will realize our perfection in Him, with a new body that is sinless.

God is perfect in justice as well as being perfect in Love.. It is by accepting His loving gift of salvation that He can justafiably forgive our transgressions and transform us into perfect eternal beings...

The penalty for sins must be paid in full.. And The LORD Jesus paid that penalty by allowing himself to be executed on the cross, to die so that those who believe Him and trust in His atonement would be granted eternal life with Him..

People often focus on one of the aspects of Gods character.. But to have a complete picture you have to take in ALL His words and deeds to get the full picture... Once people obtain that fuller picture most of the uncomfortable teachings get put into an overall focus that winds up being awesome to the one who accepts The Word of God as a whole..

You know Jesus shall return to pour out the wrath of God upon those who have rejected His love and have persecuted His adopted Children on earth.. Read the book of Revelation and you will see just how terrible it is going to be on earth for those who have persecuted those who Love Him..

I can only advise you to read the New Testament in full and while you do ask God to give you wisdom and understanding.. Ask often.. Try to ask each time you start a reading session.. And know that Godis able to make one able to understand what it is they are in need to understand..

I lost God for a time but he found me again and now we are good friends

God is all full of love and forgiveness. The cult you were in teachings sounded really toxic. God being very judgemental and harsh sounds like the old testament ways. God is way past that now. He is the life giving spirit. He is literally waiting for us to turn to him he has so much love and mercy for everyone be it saint or sinner. He is not judging us harshly. He is all love and forgiveness.

Well i see what ur story is...
In our religion Islam, according to our prophet's saying, Allah is Al-Wadūd (The Most Loving), and he is definitely not cruel or judgmental, He has put us in a test and has set some boundaries which are for our own good and she just wants us to Find Him, and obey his commandments and understand the devil's plan, and if we find him and see....the thing is You dont need to seek God, because He is already there, I would suggest u go through different religions and scriptures, and dont wonder toouch, and As a muslim I would suggest u to read or listen to Quran, Its a miracle and dguide, the final in changed message from Allah! A guide for not muslims, but humanity!

Look inside that's where god lives.

I have a strong feeling that God is not at all like the one portrayed in religious books....

Well you can live in a fairly tale world then. Because we all know damn well every human deserves punishment for their evil deeds. God is perfect and just. He lives outside of his creation. How could we possibly ever come to understand the mind of God ? He created everything.

I don't think you could be in hell, you seem like a good heart.

it may seem like a big step, I want you to know that God is Love. he does not want to harm people. in the fiery furnace he protected his people.

you should do those things until you find God's Love for you

when you find it, tell the rest of us.