I am really struggling to comprehend...

That God could love me and yet judge me so harshly. It just doesn't sit right with me. The threat of going to hell if I do something wrong can really play on my mind. I don't like the thought of a God who would do that to me. How can I love a God like that? I'm seriously beginning to question my beliefs. It's not that I want to not believe in God atal. I'd just like to believe in a God who is loving and accepting of everyone. But I don't know where to start with that belief. I don't want to be pagan I've been there I know that for sure. There must be a way of believing that is outside the constraints of religion. I don't know where to look though. Plus that would mean leaving behind everything I've been taught. I'm pondering things like if I don't believe in a judgemental God does that mean I don't believe in Jesus? Or are any of his teachings still valid? It's like I have this desire for a complete shake up in my beliefs and yet I'm too scared to implement this. Simply because I'm scared of being attacked by demons again. This unsurety keeps happening, its like a cycle that repeats. It feels like I am spiritually stagnant. Like I'm not going anywhere spiritually. That this cycle is because I'm missing something but I don't know what. I'm not happy that's for sure and I miss my crystals, oracle cards and daily meditation. Something needs to change. I'm spiritually searching for a way to be me and encorporate everything I enjoy. The closest thing I've found is new age belief. But it's all about manifesting stuff and that's not what I want either. There has to be something else...