PapiChief
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I think it's over

I don't know how I feel yet. I feel sad but accepting. If it's over then it's over. All I know is my kid is the most important thing in the world to me. I realize Naya is the biggest reason I even want this relationship to work anymore. I know that's not enough of a reason sometimes. I love Naya's mom but even that doesn't seem to be enough anymore.

I never try to talk bad about her. I stopped venting about our issues on here a while ago because I don't wanna sound like she's a bad person. I stopped confiding in anybody, even my best friend. He's been asking me lately what's wrong & I wanna talk but it's hard. So I don't.

Legally I've been doing great & with Naya I feel like I'm a good dad. I do everything for her & I wanna keep doing that. She's my whole heart & I know her like the back of my hand. I don't ever want that to change. But relationship-wise, it's been depressing lately. I even admitted to her recently that after Naya goes to sleep for the night, I just feel sad. It feels like we're not even together sometimes, like we're in two different places even though we're right next to each other. I've been trying to make it work but no matter what I do, I can't fix it. It takes effort on both sides so I can't do it alone.

I just pray she doesn't try to keep Naya from me. I'm ready to do whatever I have to do to make sure we have 50/50 custody because I never want to be one of those dad's who only has his kid sometimes. I want to be part of her every day life. I don't care what I have to do. I'll do anything for my kid. I just didn't want it to have to be this way. I've been trying so hard to avoid this. I've been begging for us to share something again or do something together. Just to feel like we're together. Even if it's just as simple as watching a TV show we both like. I've been begging to communicate & we just can't. It's not working.

I haven't seen Naya since last night & idk how soon I'll be able to see her again. That hurts more than anything. My family is telling me I should file an order of protection asap just so she can't try to keep my kid from me. Because if she tries doing it first then it's gonna make it hard to see my kid right now. I don't know how all that works or what I should do right now... If we're not gonna be together then I really wish we could co-parent but if it's gonna be an issue at all then I'm gonna take it to court. I'm not gonna beg her for my kid, or get mad at her if she doesn't let me, as a dad all I can do is stay calm, do what I'm supposed to, & take it to court. Because you can't prove I'm a bad person or a bad dad. Say what you want about me but nobody can tell me I'm a bad father.
ChiefJustWalks
26-30
44 replies 183 views 2 days ago2 d
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HoeBag · 46-50, F
I feel sad but oddly at peace right now. It's hard to explain.

When we know something bad is coming, it is stressful. Once it happens or even "practically" happens, there is a sense of relief. It is easier when we know it even might happen. Better than being blind sided.

Now with you and the missus, is there any chance you two could live together as room mates or friends even? You see, when we affix the word "relationship" in a romantic sense, there are all these rules, arguing, expectations... Once two people have "Broken up", all that typically goes away. At least from my observations and own experience.


Every week just became an attack on me & I always walked in unaware.
That is one very unfair thing about society. Men typically get blamed for everything.

This is not fair. Though you made your mistakes in the past, you have been working as hard as you can to straighten out your life but now this happens.

One sh*t thing about life in general, we work so hard towards something but then either the reward never comes OR it does but is taken away in an instant. We wonder if it is even worth trying for.

I guess at this point, the best you can do is keep fighting much as you can. Even if things do not turn out like you hope, at lest you tried.

If your partner does try to be one who keeps your child from you, I think she will soon find out how difficult it is to be a single parent. Even if she stays with relatives, they aren't going to want the responsibility of helping her raise a young child. Then she may come running back to you.
A lot of single mothers are such because the father wanted nothing to do with his own kid(s).
You do want to be a father, which is more than can be said for a lot of men out there.
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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30
@HoeBag hell yeah I'm glad he sees it that way. I feel like a lot of parents are too hard on themselves sometimes. They feel like they're not doing their best or that they could be doing better but one thing I've always said is that if you feel that way, you're probably a good parent. Because a bad parent wouldn't be worried about that kind of thing. My childhood wasn't the best but I do appreciate that we never starved or had no home to go to. All that makes a difference especially when you start growing up & you look around all the people who didn't get that.

I'm happy that I'm going through this sober though. The old me would've drowned everything out in alcohol & probably just wallowed in sadness. It feels so much better going through this clear headed & not having hazy memories.
But yeah, when she left a year ago I got arrested right after, the same night. I bailed out 4 days later. Me being gone for that short time brought us back together I suppose. Plus the fact that I decided to quit drinking & actively make changes in my life. When I came home she was back in the apartment & we talked it out. I had to serve 2 months in jail but that was shortly after, from November to January. We were still together all this time up until now
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HoeBag · 46-50, F
@ChiefJustWalks
But yeah, when she left a year ago I got arrested right after, the same night.
That must have been a h3ll of an ordeal. Big fight with the partner then have to go downtown?
Like, "Can I PLEASE deal with just one crisis at a time?" 😬

Something like that might have just done me in.
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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30
@HoeBag yeah I felt like the worst person in the world. I was sitting in jail like "f*ck I already thought I was having a bad day.. now here I am.. feeling 10x worse" but I decided to take it as a lesson & I realized that I wouldn't be that position if I wasn't drinking. That's the moment I decided I genuinely didn't wanna drink anymore. If alcohol can stop me from being there for my kid then it's not worth it to me anymore. I'm almost a year sober now
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SatanBurger · 36-40, F
You are a good father and you've worked hard to be where you need to be, you're a survivor and a fighter. It is a good idea to take steps against what she could do though.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I know the feeling even though it's not the exact situation but the feeling itself I feel like we all understand. I hope it gets better for you.
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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30
@SatanBurger thank you. As shitty as things might be right now, I don't wanna take any steps back. I don't wanna stop working on myself as a person
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YoMomma ·
I had a feeling she may have taken another bf while you were in jail but i didn't say anything because you guys seemed to be doing ok.. but i guess now she’s checked out of the relationship and is just resenting you.. she may have just stuck with you initially because of the kid too.. and you are an adoring father.. it’s hard when child custody becomes a war.. i hope she acts fair towards you.. sorry you feel like you can’t talk to your friends and have just been taking this all in internally.. i admire your inner strength and kindness tho.. it takes two to make a thing go right tho and i guess she already mentally left (if not physically) i hope you find someone who cares about you and your kid sincerely because you deserve that (a genuine relationship that isn't a struggle) anyway sorry you are going through all that 🤐
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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30
@YoMomma I honestly never suspected her of cheating. I fully trust her in that aspect & I think she trusts me just as much. The resentment part is true though. She told me recently that she thinks she still resents me & after she told me that, a whole lot started to make sense. I started thinking "ohhhh so that's why you still treat me like I'm so horrible.. because in your mind, I still am." When I addressed that with her she kept telling me "no" but I know how resentment works.

Thank you though I appreciate it. I'm not even thinking about who I might find in the future though. I don't wanna think too far ahead. But thank you, if this is all really over then I hope I can find someone someday too but I think it'll be hard & it'll be a while
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YoMomma ·
@ChiefJustWalks i don't mean for you to jump into anything right away i just suspected her and your friend as they seemed extra cozy.. but i didn't want to say if it was nothing.. **** happens sometimes tho they’d of course be the last to tell you.. for fear.. sometimes tho i have wondered if my dad’s younger brother is actually my father but i never had the nerve to ask him cause of course it’s an offensive accusation if its not true but my mother took care of him after a motorcycle wreck (i think before i was born idk) and i wondered sometimes based on other things i heard people say.. but who knows 😳 anyway 😏 i’m sure you’ll find someone nice unexpectedly not that you are looking but she obviously checked out already mentally and it was making her toxic to you 😬 i hope sge is nice about your kid tho cause she knows you adore her completely
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Straylight · 31-35, F
One thing you end up teaching your kid, even if you’re not trying to, is how a relationship is. She’ll grow seeing how you and her mom interact. If you just stay together only for her, she’ll learn that relationships are cold and resentful.
To do what’s best for her, you just have to get her mom to put effort into fixing things, or find a way to end it that shows Naya that both her parents are still there for her.
I’m sorry you have to go through this, it even if things do end I hope you guys can come to an agreement that works best for Naya.
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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30
@Straylight @HoeBag true. One thing I can say about my dad is that I never heard him talking bad about our mom. She left when I was 5 because she was on meth & my dad refused to let us see her for years but he never told us why or talked shit about her in front of us. As an adult especially, I appreciate that a lot. So that's one thing I'll never do with Naya. I'll never talk bad about her mom to her. I'll even root for her mom when she's doing well. I want our daughter to see what it's like for her parents to care about each other even if they're not together. Idk if her mom will make little comments sometimes but as for me, I want our daughter to know that Dad never hates on her Mom
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Reject · 31-35, M
I think a lot of parents make the mistake of putting their kids first before anything and that ultimately results in a bad life for the kid as they have to grow up with parents who never got along and never took care of their own lives. It lines up with the idea of loving yourself before you can properly love anything else. I’m not sure what the solution is because your situation is clearly a complicated one, but at least to me it sounds like one potential problem could be prioritizing love for your kid over the home they’re supposed to inhabit which means they could end up not having either.
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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30
@Reject nah I'd never be that way. Putting my kid first doesn't mean I'd ever neglect my own self care or treat her mom badly. Ever since she was born I've cared about myself a lot more just because she makes me wanna be the best I can be. I'll always want the best for her mom too because that's the mother of my child. I'll always help her even if we're not together, if she needs it. Because my kid will be with her half the time so I want her to be taken care of in both homes
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Reject · 31-35, M
@ChiefJustWalks Its good to hear you say that. I thought maybe you weren’t able to care for the kids mom seeing how things have gone with her, but I also know that sometimes people are impossible. You can do everything right and they still won’t forgive you and refuse to reconcile for any reason. It’s ultimately up to them so if they don’t want to cooperate? They just won’t. Unfortunately your daughter will likely have to grow up at least partly around that kind of mentality, but I like to think that no matter how bad things get, it’s never too late to find happiness in them. So even if she has to live with separate parents, there’s a good life she can have with that.
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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30
@Reject aside from any of our issues, I never wanna treat her with spite. At the end of the day she's my kids mother & I won't treat my kids mom badly. Especially because I'd never want anyone to treat my daughter that way so I know I can't set that example. I have to treat her mom with respect even if we're apart. If she gets difficult, then I'll only talk to her about our kid & that's it.

I think we can still give her a good life even if we're not together. It's not what I ultimately wanted, but I also didn't wanna be in a relationship that made me feel so bad
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Lilymoon · F
I grew up without a father, and let me tell you girls need a father. Especially a loving one.

I would take the advice of your family and get things rolling.
You may be in for a lot of grief ahead so it's best to do what yoy have to do now. For Naya's sake as well as your own.

Best of luck ♥
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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30
@Lilymoon it sucks to even think I'd have to file an order of protection against her because I'm not fearful of her or fearing for my safety.. I'm just fearful of not being able to see my kid.. so I wonder if that's enough grounds to file an order. Also, I wouldn't want that to trigger her & then she takes it as an attack & goes on the offensive by being petty. I just don't know what's best right now, this is so hard to figure out.

Thank you though, I appreciate you
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Lilymoon · F
@ChiefJustWalks yeah I can understand that and I'm sorry you're faced with this:/
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Starcrossed · 41-45, F
Aww I'm so sorry you're hurting my friend. I know you haven't confided in anyone, and understand the reason. As always I'm happy to hold space no judgements to you or mama, nor advice- just listening and validation.

And you're right, you are anything but a bad father. 🫂
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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30
@Starcrossed I feel sad but oddly at peace right now. It's hard to explain. I didn't want any of this but it happens even if we don't want it to. I've been hesitant to confide in my family but last night I called my stepmom begging for help & they showed up for me ASAP. It might be time to start opening up.

Thank you though. I know you're always here & I appreciate that because I know you mean it. You've always been a good friend 🖤
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Starcrossed · 41-45, F
@ChiefJustWalks I'm so glad your fam showed up for you.
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Poppies · 61-69, F
Maybe you can try marriage counseling? It works for some people.
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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30
@Poppies we tried couples counseling last year but honestly I was the one who quit. They switched our therapist & it felt different after that. Every week just became an attack on me & I always walked in unaware. It just became something I dreaded because I would think we had a good week but it turns out she just bottled everything up then unloaded on me in therapy. & I didn't feel comfortable to open up with that therapist so I just took the attacks & never knew what to say or where to start
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AbsolutelyFabulous · F
I just hope she's not a narcissist who is going to say anything possible to ruin your relationship with Naya.. I will pray for you 🙏❤
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AbsolutelyFabulous · F
@ChiefJustWalks that could well be narcissistic.. 2 different people types of things.. Can she admit when she's wrong, can you say no to her, is she into drama and does chaos seem to follow her

Either way, I'm glad if she's a good genuine person. And we all have issues.. So anything can be worked with as long as its not narcissism
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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30
@AbsolutelyFabulous she can sometimes admit when she's wrong. I think if she realizes it, she'll admit it. She does sometimes. But a lot of times she doesn't see herself as being the one who's wrong. It's always me. I don't think she's into drama but she definitely seems to treat certain things as if it IS dramatic.
I can't say for a fact she's not a narcissist but I at least don't think she's a bad person. & You're right, we all have issues. I do too so I'm not trying to make it out to be all her fault.. but I do feel like I'm the only one trying anymore
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AbsolutelyFabulous · F
@ChiefJustWalks I want it to all work out for you the best way possible ♥🙏
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TryingtoLava
Im so sorry chief thats not right to be stuck in long term <3 you deserve better and ik that cuz if my dad felt that way when i went to sleep i woulda grown up with less self esteem issues
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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30
@TryingtoLava it's hard to live in a home where you always feel like the bad guy. Even when you know it's not true, you start to believe it anyway & it tears you down. & I think I'm at that point because I literally can't fight back anymore. I just cry.
I wish your dad showed you more love too though Lava 🖤 you deserve it more than anybody
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akindheart · 61-69, F
Are you on the birth certificate? if you are,, she can't keep you from her unless she can prove you are under the influence or incompetent.. if you are not on the cert, you will have to prove you are the dad but you will have to pay child support.
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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30
@akindheart yeah I'm definitely on the birth certificate. Also it's been over a year since I quit drinking. I do smoke weed but only when we put Naya to bed, & weed is legal here. I'm on probation & I take random drug tests but I'm allowed to smoke weed so that shouldn't be an issue.

I'm okay with paying child support, I'll do what I have to do. But I think if we have 50/50 custody then I don't actually have to pay any child support since we're both raising her. I'd still help financially if I need to though. I've told her before that if we were ever separated, I'd still help her when she needs it because she's the mother of our child & that means something to me whether we're together or not
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akindheart · 61-69, F
@ChiefJustWalks underneath that tough skin of yours lies a good man. Keep on your path and as you grow up, i bet you will not only be an excellent father and partner to someone. Dont 'underestimate the importance of your position in Naya's life. She will base every man relationship she has according to her relationship with you...you will be that important.
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SpiritSkye
File it . Asap
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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30
@SpiritSkye I guess I'm just scared of being the one who starts it & then it becomes a problem & a huge fight.. I don't want her to think I'm trying to take Naya away or call her a bad mom because I'm not. I just want to have my kid also
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SpiritSkye
@ChiefJustWalks I was the same with my ex and he stole my baby. I just don't want that to happen to anyone who doesn't deserve it. It destroyed me .
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Zonuss · 46-50, M
It's only over if you want it to be.
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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30
@Zonuss yeah. I think I do but I also don't. I want us to work.. but this isn't working & if this is how it's gonna be, then I don't want it anymore.

It's hard but I'm still trying to figure it out. It feels pretty over at this point but if she genuinely wanted to work on US then I think I might still be willing to. But after all this, that decision has become a lot harder for me. I just don't know
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HoeBag · 46-50, F
@Zonuss Ultimately it takes both parties to decide the future of a relationship.

@ChiefJustWalks You want it to work but you are probably concerned about the stability. Together one day, apart the next, then together, it is unsettling.
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