I think it's over

I don't know how I feel yet. I feel sad but accepting. If it's over then it's over. All I know is my kid is the most important thing in the world to me. I realize Naya is the biggest reason I even want this relationship to work anymore. I know that's not enough of a reason sometimes. I love Naya's mom but even that doesn't seem to be enough anymore.

I never try to talk bad about her. I stopped venting about our issues on here a while ago because I don't wanna sound like she's a bad person. I stopped confiding in anybody, even my best friend. He's been asking me lately what's wrong & I wanna talk but it's hard. So I don't.

Legally I've been doing great & with Naya I feel like I'm a good dad. I do everything for her & I wanna keep doing that. She's my whole heart & I know her like the back of my hand. I don't ever want that to change. But relationship-wise, it's been depressing lately. I even admitted to her recently that after Naya goes to sleep for the night, I just feel sad. It feels like we're not even together sometimes, like we're in two different places even though we're right next to each other. I've been trying to make it work but no matter what I do, I can't fix it. It takes effort on both sides so I can't do it alone.

I just pray she doesn't try to keep Naya from me. I'm ready to do whatever I have to do to make sure we have 50/50 custody because I never want to be one of those dad's who only has his kid sometimes. I want to be part of her every day life. I don't care what I have to do. I'll do anything for my kid. I just didn't want it to have to be this way. I've been trying so hard to avoid this. I've been begging for us to share something again or do something together. Just to feel like we're together. Even if it's just as simple as watching a TV show we both like. I've been begging to communicate & we just can't. It's not working.

I haven't seen Naya since last night & idk how soon I'll be able to see her again. That hurts more than anything. My family is telling me I should file an order of protection asap just so she can't try to keep my kid from me. Because if she tries doing it first then it's gonna make it hard to see my kid right now. I don't know how all that works or what I should do right now... If we're not gonna be together then I really wish we could co-parent but if it's gonna be an issue at all then I'm gonna take it to court. I'm not gonna beg her for my kid, or get mad at her if she doesn't let me, as a dad all I can do is stay calm, do what I'm supposed to, & take it to court. Because you can't prove I'm a bad person or a bad dad. Say what you want about me but nobody can tell me I'm a bad father.

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

HoeBag · 46-50, F

I feel sad but oddly at peace right now. It's hard to explain.

When we know something bad is coming, it is stressful. Once it happens or even "practically" happens, there is a sense of relief. It is easier when we know it even might happen. Better than being blind sided.

Now with you and the missus, is there any chance you two could live together as room mates or friends even? You see, when we affix the word "relationship" in a romantic sense, there are all these rules, arguing, expectations... Once two people have "Broken up", all that typically goes away. At least from my observations and own experience.

Every week just became an attack on me & I always walked in unaware.

That is one very unfair thing about society. Men typically get blamed for everything.

This is not fair. Though you made your mistakes in the past, you have been working as hard as you can to straighten out your life but now this happens.

One sh*t thing about life in general, we work so hard towards something but then either the reward never comes OR it does but is taken away in an instant. We wonder if it is even worth trying for.

I guess at this point, the best you can do is keep fighting much as you can. Even if things do not turn out like you hope, at lest you tried.

If your partner does try to be one who keeps your child from you, I think she will soon find out how difficult it is to be a single parent. Even if she stays with relatives, they aren't going to want the responsibility of helping her raise a young child. Then she may come running back to you.
A lot of single mothers are such because the father wanted nothing to do with his own kid(s).
You do want to be a father, which is more than can be said for a lot of men out there.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@HoeBag yeah it feels like I've been sorta mentally preparing for this. I used to never picture our future apart but lately I've found myself thinking more & more about how we could make it work if we were separated. I already knew the fact I was thinking like that, was a bad sign. I could feel it was close to the end but I held on because I didn't wanna give up. I wish we could be a family. This is the last thing I wanted but at least I know it's possible even though it'll be hard.

We're both on our lease so I'm open to us still living together & co parenting. We don't have to be together. It already feels like we haven't been for a while anyway. I won't be hostile or argumentative. I would still try to help her with whatever I can, I never want to be spiteful. In the meantime we can both save up & plan to get separate apartments once our lease is up. But if she doesn't want us to even live together at this point, I might be willing to leave & let her keep the apartment. I'd probably stay with my family & still save up but I'd help her with the bills still too. Idk what she wants to do yet because we're not talking right now but I'm open to figuring it out.

She actually has a kid that she doesn't have custody of though. She's 11 & her grandma is raising her. Apparently my lady's mom showed up late at night over 5 years ago & took her daughter away so she hasn't had her own daughter ever since. I never judged her for that situation & I remain supportive but one thing I've said before is I won't let that happen to Naya. If she couldn't handle raising Naya then I'll do everything in my power to make sure I have my kid. The father of her first child isn't involved in his kids life at all. I've never even met him & he hasn't seen his daughter in years. She doesn't even keep him away from his kid, it's his own choice to not be in her life. I could never be like that. I WANT my kid she makes me happier than anything

HoeBag · 46-50, F

@ChiefJustWalks

... lately I've found myself thinking more & more about how we could make it work if we were separated.

Yeah, once we are mentally preparing for a situation that we have any control over, we have made up our mind and logically know what's going to happen.

Knowing in advance is a lot better than something like if you came home from work one day to an empty apartment and a note on the fridge.

It does sound like there is a possibility that she may just give you custody without much hassle. Some moms do not really want custody.

One thing your ex needs to realize is that because you two have a child together, You two will be in each others' lives to some capacity. People try to run from it, block on social media, etc but it is not that simple.

You are Naya's father and no amount of BS or tantrums on your ex's end can change that. Even if she re-married, no other man can take your place in that young lady's life.
Your ex might even talk smack about "What an 4sshole the dad was" (as ex's always tell the kids) but Naya knows better. 🙂

You are going through a rough patch, future uncertain, but in the end, things will work out.

And who knows? Someday in the future, you, your daughter, and your ex may even be able to sit in the same room and talk as friends.

BTW, this is the same stuff I told my own son, who is your age, who went through basically the same thing with his ex G/F. Kind of we*rd to have a conversation with my son about the struggles of being a parent, but that is where I am in life.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@HoeBag coming home to an empty apartment & a note is what happened to me a year ago. I immediately started drinking & went to my best friend to vent & seek advice because he's been through all this before & he's not afraid to tell me when I'm wrong. That was the night I got arrested & had to deal with all my jail shit. That's also when I decided to quit drinking because I was tired of it having that much importance over my life & my decisions. But ever since then I did develop a fear of coming home to an empty apartment or her just leaving & not coming back. Whenever we argued, I would be scared & I would ask her if she's okay, if she's mad at me, if she's gonna come home.. that's when I started telling her that if we ever broke up, she doesn't have to run away or sneak off. We can talk about it & I'd never stop her from leaving. I even told her that I'LL leave if she really wants us to not be in the same place. There's no reason to just disappear on me like that. That really hurt. That same day I was even texting her while I was at work like "I miss Naya already"... I didn't even know she was leaving behind my back when I sent that text & that I wasn't gonna see her when I got home. That was messed up.
It's definitely better to be aware. Because when you're blind sided everything just hits you at once & it's hard to take.

I hope your son is doing okay these days. I didn't know you had a kid who has a kid 🙂 that's awesome. But yeah I can imagine how that'd feel weird giving your kid parenting advice 😅

HoeBag · 46-50, F

@ChiefJustWalks Once our kids are grown, we can relate to them as adults. Hard to imagine when they are making themselves fall over in a high chair just to entertain themselves but yeah time passes.

When I was talking to my son about parenting, I did mention that I felt guilty like maybe we were too hard on him at times. He said he feels like his childhood "kicked 4ss" because he didn't have to worry about going hungry, where we were going to live, his parents weren't addicts, etc.

I wasn't lecturing him by any means or trying to give unwanted advice, just a casual chat about his childhood, what he is going through now, a very productive chat.

With your drinking, yeah as you know already, stay far away from that because it is easy to say "Oh f*ck it, just one, what does it matter?" and the addiction cycle re-starts and we feel guilt ridden, weak, stup*d,shameful, etc . I quit smoking in 2017 for a couple years, something happened, and "just one". 🙄 One cig is too much, 1,000 packs is not enough.

Addiction DOES basically rule our lives. Most decisions revolve around it. My only one is cigarettes and it SEEMS like a silly addiction but yeah a lot revolves around it.
Pain in the 4ss, gotta go feed that nico-demon. Gotta feed that screaming addiction.

Now Naya's mom, she had basically just split blind sided and eventually you two got back together?

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@HoeBag hell yeah I'm glad he sees it that way. I feel like a lot of parents are too hard on themselves sometimes. They feel like they're not doing their best or that they could be doing better but one thing I've always said is that if you feel that way, you're probably a good parent. Because a bad parent wouldn't be worried about that kind of thing. My childhood wasn't the best but I do appreciate that we never starved or had no home to go to. All that makes a difference especially when you start growing up & you look around all the people who didn't get that.

I'm happy that I'm going through this sober though. The old me would've drowned everything out in alcohol & probably just wallowed in sadness. It feels so much better going through this clear headed & not having hazy memories.
But yeah, when she left a year ago I got arrested right after, the same night. I bailed out 4 days later. Me being gone for that short time brought us back together I suppose. Plus the fact that I decided to quit drinking & actively make changes in my life. When I came home she was back in the apartment & we talked it out. I had to serve 2 months in jail but that was shortly after, from November to January. We were still together all this time up until now

HoeBag · 46-50, F

@ChiefJustWalks

But yeah, when she left a year ago I got arrested right after, the same night.

That must have been a h3ll of an ordeal. Big fight with the partner then have to go downtown?
Like, "Can I PLEASE deal with just one crisis at a time?" 😬

Something like that might have just done me in.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@HoeBag yeah I felt like the worst person in the world. I was sitting in jail like "f*ck I already thought I was having a bad day.. now here I am.. feeling 10x worse" but I decided to take it as a lesson & I realized that I wouldn't be that position if I wasn't drinking. That's the moment I decided I genuinely didn't wanna drink anymore. If alcohol can stop me from being there for my kid then it's not worth it to me anymore. I'm almost a year sober now