Describe Your Job….but make it sound illegal

I cruise around at night in a windowless vehicle full of drugs, sharp weapons, multiple guns, and power tools that drill into bodies of my choosing. Many dangerous pain causing implements, restraints, and a device that will electrocute you on my command. I deal with dangerous strangers, little kids, and old people with the same grim stare. They’re all the same to me. It’s common for me to leave violent bloodshed, spent casings, and bodies in my wake. I have no problem putting a bag over someone’s head, securing their hands and feet, and taking them where they don’t want to go, tied to a cold metal frame, not knowing what’s coming next. I take helpless people across jurisdictional lines because I know what’s best for them. Sometimes I take their consciousness. Sometimes I control their ability to breathe. But I’m not heartless. When they get to where they’re eventually going, I usually confess enthusiastically, telling the story of every little thing I did to them to anyone who wants to stare at me and listen.

I don't even wait until I start work. Speed limit in the parking lot is 7 1/2 mph, I'm crusin' hot at 12! Stop me if you dare yellow vest attendant dude, stop me if you dare...

I was a financial counsellor - being able to stop debt collectors calling, making one call to stop the sheriff enforcing court orders, writing letters to banks and making them feel so guilty they would stop collections

I deal in mergers an acquisitions.

Rangler of feral children

When something goes wrong, I organize a posse to hunt down the culprits and enact revenge for their wrongdoings. I bring them in front of the bosses. and force them to explain their actions. If they don’t confess and swear allegiance to the organization, then they will be publicly shamed for their disrespect.

What am I?

I bury a half million in the ground, wait five years in silence, dig it all up in one weekend, and ship it to buyers who never meet me. The product is literally underground. I'm in a secluded 1,500 sq mile region. I can't even complain about it.

5 acres. 5 years. $0 visible. Then it's all gone overseas in one shipment.

I either make problems go away, or people go away. 😆

I track people's mistakes and misdeeds, and inform the Godfather, so he knows what's going on.

I teach future terminators how to recognize their surroundings, human faces and everyday objects. I also teach them how to mimick human logic and human speech in two languages.

Just doing my part to give back, and show humanity how much I love and appreciate it for everything. 🖤

I launder words until the original author can no longer prove they wrote it.