Grandpa doesn’t want to see grandkids because of ADHD 😭 Advice?

Had a family member tell me my Dad (grandpa) and his wife, disclosed that the reason he doesn’t see our kids is because they are too hyperactive. They both have mild to moderate ADHD. I really don’t think they’re that hard and are fun to spend time with, and pretty well behaved just busy and talkative.

My oldest is almost 8 and my dad has seen her briefly 4 times for less than a couple hours each and my son twice, they dont know them.
I have severe ADHD and my dad has expressed many times I was a hard child. I believe he and my brothers have put a label on my kids.

It really breaks my heart so much. Im just having trouble processing.

How do I proceed? My first instinct is to protect them from this weird toxic thinking and stop exposing them to that kind if rejection and abandonment 😭 any advice? 💔 is this too black and white or thinking? Or is it valid?

I have a hard timee understanding I guess why a family member would use that as an excuse. To me it seems like thats what it is. Ive cried alot. My kids don’t feel THAT unbearable to me, or other relatives who they spend copious amounts if time with.

Im starting to think maybe my dad isnt emotionally fit to be a grandpa and i should protect my kids self esteem.

Abandonment can have profound effects on children, I actually know first hand… from my dad who has been married 3 times and started new families and he didn’t talk to me many times for years but always came back into my life when i was doing well.

It’s a lot to process. Any advice, similar stories or encouragement would mean so much to me.

Lots of love healing and joy to my fellow ADHDers/parents

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JollyRoger · 70-79, M

There's a lot of advice in the replies so you have much to choose from in your decision of what to do.
I'm simply adding my thoughts to the pile!

Firstly you, not your children are noticing this 'hurt'. Yes, they will come to realize it but that is not the issue at this moment. So - so far, the damage is minimal and it's a good time for you to address it.

You grew up with your dad and you had ADHD spectrum difficulties. He either helped you through them or he didn't - you must assess that. Based on your conclusions, have a one-on-one with him and, even if it brings you to tears, you have to tell him how it was for you and how you fear it will be for your children.

Having his feedback (and I assume he is a good man), you will have an idea of why he has this aversion and rejection of your children's presence... NOTE: He may wish to love your children, it may just be something in his own mind and behavior tha he can explain.

Perhaps the answer is taking your children outside and playing a game that includes your dad's participation. Perhaps it's giving him one-on-one time with a single one of them - just sitting and talking or reading a story or playing catch or wrestling on the floor..... whatever TURNS HIM ON to wanting to interact with them ONE ON ONE with each of them without interruption by the other(s) or anyone else until a relationship is established.

It will be important to to establish a system of discipline that he can exercise to control the child (and hopefully all of them collectively when it's established)... For my grandchildren I wrestle with them but then I simply say that I'm tired and I sit and ask them to sit under each of my arms while we cuddle for a while and read or simply watch one of their programs on TV.

One of my grandboys is very active and when he starts to move away I simply tell him, "Are you leaving me? I really am enjoying this time with you.... please stay." and let his conscience play on what he wants for a relationship with me.

So: As I write this, I realize that I may not be addressing the REAL issues, but I hope you get something positive to work with out of it. I can't imagine that your dad really doesn't want to love his grandchildren or for them to love him and want to be with him.

Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F

@JollyRoger this is really sweet response. It was really well written and I appreciate it, but my biggest problems is even getting them to see the kids at all. He won’t make plans with us or even call them to say hi.. and when I reach out they’re always busy or have excuses so, it’s heartbreaking to me. Thank you for your insight so grateful

JollyRoger · 70-79, M

@Brassm0nk3y OK.... The front door is locked... try the 'backdoor' - have a nice chat with your mom. Moms (you too!) are much more emotional and able to express their real feelings. I'm sure your dad and mom have worried this issue a lot and she likely has her own opinion on it but is (possibly) afraid to come out with it in front of others - especially your husband. But I'm sure she loves and trusts you and she's your next best source of 'truth and reconciliation.' Suggestion, take your mom out for lunch so you have her full attention and lots of time.