Advice on talking to your partner about your stance on children?

I’m 27 and my Fiance is 35. I was 23 and him 32 when we got to together. At the time, I felt too broken to ever be a mother but now I feel different. I had wanted children when I was a teen but changed my mind in my early 20’s due to my mental health. So when I met my bf I was in the “do not want kids” dating field.

I have been getting better mentally and I feel like now I would truly regret not having kids.

Tbh I feel like if he wanted a woman who knew 100% what she wanted in her life, he should have chosen one close to his own age with a fully developed prefrontal lobe. It’s probably best we cross this bridge before we actually get married but I’m scared of ruining my whole life. He played such a big role in why I even feel safe to have children but I’m afraid he’s too set in his ways to change his mind. 😞

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OlderSometimesWiser · F

I can understand your trepidation but you’re wise in realizing that it’s a conversation better had before marriage. All you can do is let him know how you’re feeling and hopefully you’ll both end up on the same page. He might just surprise you, in a good way!

Btw, whatever happens I think it’s wonderful that your mental health has improved to the point where you want to have kids. 🙂

robertsnj · 56-60, M

From a guy's perspective, we dont' have a "biological clock" and self confession it is hard if not near impossible to relate to an innate desire to have children. Your BF will likely lack that innate desire in the same way I, and most men lack it. It is a foreign concept to be presented with for me and many other guys.

a pre-marriage conversation is paramount. I feel like a lot of divorced people skipped that step and paid for it later in life. The kids question is always a line item in that converation along with where you two will live, how much money do you need (a range not a number) per year.
What your broad goals are in life, why you (and he) want to be married to each other, and other life probing questions. When you put your question of "what are your thoughts on having children" into a larger area of other questions it doesn't look so daunting.

However it will affect the other answers. For example how much money do you need per year will go up for kids depending on how many kids you are considering. So will living arrangements and others.

You may have it tough and easy.

On the one hand you have the advantage that you couple'd with him because of him and not because you were shopping for a father for your future children, which seems to be a high propensity motive for some women in the dating game.

On the flip side going from childless and free to I want children is a large life style paradigm-changing proposal and it may take a couple convesations to really grapple with the question

Best of luck in whatever you both decide.

Threepio

Just be upfront and honest about whatever feelings you have....

Then cross that bridge TOGETHER.....

Andywandyb · 31-35, M

Do what you feel is right.

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666Maggotz · F

@Andywandyb your advice isn’t useful on how to convince a man who doesn’t want children to have them. It won’t be that easy.

Andywandyb · 31-35, M

@666Maggotz sorry if my advice doesn’t meet your standards.
The last comment was a lighthearted way to approach the topic

666Maggotz · F

@Andywandyb it’s not a lighthearted subject. It’s a serious life altering subject that could ruin my whole life because I don’t want to lose the man I love because we now have different life desires.

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MrSmooTh · 31-35, M

@666Maggotz Yeah but you don't have to be responsible for what they do.

666Maggotz · F

@MrSmooTh well I care about them even if I’m not responsible. 😭 it doesn’t matter. I still want them.

MrSmooTh · 31-35, M

@666Maggotz I like kids too, but I don't want to be responsible for keeping one alive. I like the same things that they do. "Why yes you can play with bottle rockets." Probably won't go over well.

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