I think like I'm terrible at my job. (A rant to keep my mind clear)
I had a couple patients die at my care.
I've been told I did everything I could for them...
But sometimes, it feels like it is my fault.
I blame myself for every single one of them... (except a few when the prognosis was known to be bad.)
I am going to write some of what happened and try to accept it as my fault, because I know if I keep them inside these thoughts will fester and will suffocate me when my defenses are low.
1/ An old woman who we suspected had Listeria meningitis, she got better but then worse. I should have given her Anti-TB medication. I believe she died because I failed to give them to her at the right moment.
2/ A middle aged woman had many pathologies: myelodysplasic syndrome, diabetes, DVT, pneumonia, fever despite the trt of infection, neurological symptoms... but I think she died of PE because the dose of Inohep wasn't adequate. (I gave it to her after consulting the attending... But she was my patient and I'm afraid I messed it up.)
3/ A young man who had pneumococcal menigitis, he was intubated (thus not my unit), but I was the one prescribing the antibiotics. (He was under the care of more specialized doctors but I had to do it because it was a nightshift and they weren't present.) He died 21 days later. I keep thinking I should have checked on him and done something.
And also, there is this incident, no death happened, but I feel terrible:
On nightshifts, there's only one resident, one intern and 04 nurses for the whole sector. (Around 30-40 patients). We had a patient having a treatment that I wasn't familiar with, I asked the nurse to wait before administring it. (I had an urgent lumbar puncture to do). She misunderstood me, and gave it. It was the wrong bottle and I told her to stop once I knew she gave it. Nothing happened to the patient, but it turned out to be a huge deal because the patient's parent weren't happy. Nobody blamed me (except the the nurse, who started screaming profanities at higher ups when asked what happened.) And she was sanctioned. (mostly for the profanities but still...) I feel riddled with guilt. I should have been clearer. It was my fault for not being so.
I feel these incidents are going to haunt me forever. I'm more tolerant now, perhaps because I'm in my hypomania phase (or neutral?)... but I'm sure the moment my guards wil be down I won't be able to read what I just wrote without suffocating and just wanting to die.
I know most of you won't read, but thank you if you did. I'm sure you wouldn't want someone like me by you as a healthcare giver.
I've been told I did everything I could for them...
But sometimes, it feels like it is my fault.
I blame myself for every single one of them... (except a few when the prognosis was known to be bad.)
I am going to write some of what happened and try to accept it as my fault, because I know if I keep them inside these thoughts will fester and will suffocate me when my defenses are low.
1/ An old woman who we suspected had Listeria meningitis, she got better but then worse. I should have given her Anti-TB medication. I believe she died because I failed to give them to her at the right moment.
2/ A middle aged woman had many pathologies: myelodysplasic syndrome, diabetes, DVT, pneumonia, fever despite the trt of infection, neurological symptoms... but I think she died of PE because the dose of Inohep wasn't adequate. (I gave it to her after consulting the attending... But she was my patient and I'm afraid I messed it up.)
3/ A young man who had pneumococcal menigitis, he was intubated (thus not my unit), but I was the one prescribing the antibiotics. (He was under the care of more specialized doctors but I had to do it because it was a nightshift and they weren't present.) He died 21 days later. I keep thinking I should have checked on him and done something.
And also, there is this incident, no death happened, but I feel terrible:
On nightshifts, there's only one resident, one intern and 04 nurses for the whole sector. (Around 30-40 patients). We had a patient having a treatment that I wasn't familiar with, I asked the nurse to wait before administring it. (I had an urgent lumbar puncture to do). She misunderstood me, and gave it. It was the wrong bottle and I told her to stop once I knew she gave it. Nothing happened to the patient, but it turned out to be a huge deal because the patient's parent weren't happy. Nobody blamed me (except the the nurse, who started screaming profanities at higher ups when asked what happened.) And she was sanctioned. (mostly for the profanities but still...) I feel riddled with guilt. I should have been clearer. It was my fault for not being so.
I feel these incidents are going to haunt me forever. I'm more tolerant now, perhaps because I'm in my hypomania phase (or neutral?)... but I'm sure the moment my guards wil be down I won't be able to read what I just wrote without suffocating and just wanting to die.
I know most of you won't read, but thank you if you did. I'm sure you wouldn't want someone like me by you as a healthcare giver.
26-30, F
