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A question for the older men, a hypothetical scenario…

(Women can certainly answer too, but it might be a bit trickier)

Suppose you received a message from reliable sources advising you that you have a child you didn’t know about, from someone you briefly dated. The circumstances are thus:

The child is an adult, and successful. They need nothing from you.

Your child is not angry at you, he/she knows that the mother never told you about their birth.

All the person wants, if you’re agréable, is to meet you, maybe for coffee.

So, based upon this premise, three questions:

1) Would you be willing to meet this child ?

2) If you hit it off, would you be open to an ongoing relationship ?

3) Would the existence of this child, even under these circumstances, complicate your life or cause problems ?

Top | Newest First | Oldest First

Rutterman · 46-50, M

Yes, to the first two questions.

Regarding the third question, I don't think it would complicate my life appreciably or cause any problems, at least not that I can foresee. In fact, I think having an ongoing relationship with my adult child would likely enrich my life quite a bit, outweighing any possible complications or problems.

Ontheroad · M

1. Absolutely yes.

2. Absolutely yes.

3. It would enrich my life and my children would be thrilled to have a new family member... so no complications.

bijouxbroussard · F

@Ontheroad Wow, that’s amazing. I hope you locate them. Ancestry.com has been responsible for a lot of people finding relatives, even siblings and children they’d never met.

Ontheroad · M

@bijouxbroussard I tried and tried, but finally had to give up. The real problem is that she (the ex-girlfriend), moved home to another country and there is no way to track her there.

I still think of my lost forever child from time to time... it's one of my few real regrets in life.

robertsnj · 56-60, M

um,

1) yes willing to meet
2) yes relationship
3) yes complicate life / althogh i might change the word choice to life altering.

details

I decided when I was about 25 ish that children were not for me and I do not have any. I was really careful in the bedroom in terms of birth control. Alcohol kills my sex drive and I don't do drugs so I never did the crazy sex while drinking or high.

I did have a lot of sex in my lifetime, I realize that even being very careful somthing could have gone wrtong. I stayed friends with ex's more often than not after leaving them and they were not pregnant. My last long term GF was 52 when I was 38 and she had her tubes tied

Children alwasy complicate relationships even when they are planned. No way to know how but everyone that has a child, even by choice, has made a life altering decision even when the kids are adults. That life altering path may be a good one but still life altering.

I think it is a great question. I also think there will be a lot of "Nope not going to meet my child" but those people won't' post details on here.

DrWatson · 70-79, M

I would be open to meeting the child, but I would first check to see how comfortable my wife would be with my doing so.

As for having an ongoing relationship, one thing I would want to know is whether doing so would entangle me to some extent with the birth mother. If she has her life together, and was clearly not going to try to re-kindle anything, then I would be ok with having a relationship with the kid. (My wife and I are each friends with each other's ex's.)

The only ways in which I could foresee complications would be for the two reasons I already gave: negative reactions from my wife or a troublesome reaction from my ex. If neither of those are an issue, I don't think this would cause problems. It might be a little awkward explaining this to my adult daughter, but I think she could take it in stride.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

I ain't that old but if I was & I found this out then yeah I'd definitely wanna get to know my child. As long as they want that too. If they don't then I'd accept that but I would probably be hurt & I'd never forget about them. So I'd probably always try or at least check on them quietly

Guardian

1) I would be willing to meet this child.

2) I would be open to an ongoing relationship

3) The existence of this child would NOT complicate my life or cause problems

I actually have fantasized about this!

Ontheroad · M

A footnote to my previous answer...

Two years after leaving a duty station in the Pacific (an island) and while stationed in a combat zone, I got a letter from a good friend still on the aforementioned island. He said a young lady I'd taken up with while stationed on the island, had given birth to a child 7 months after I left. She told him it was mine and he had reason to believe her.

I spent several years trying to track her and/or the child down, all to no avail. I'd love for that child to find me, even today.

bijouxbroussard · F

@Ontheroad (I meant to post this here)
Wow, that’s amazing. I hope you locate them. Ancestry.com has been responsible for a lot of people finding relatives, even siblings and children they’d never met.

Robin2005 · 61-69, M

1. Yes
2. Yes,
3. Complicate? Yes, but life is complicated all on its own,

You could say that, in a way, this happened to my wife. She has a sister she did not know about until she was about 25 years old. Her mom had her sister before she even met my wife's dad and gave her up for adoption. Yes, her dad knew before they were married. They never looked for her but she looked for them. It was hard for them to tell us about her but I think getting it out in the open helped everyone.

My wife talks to her now and then but not having that shared experience of going up makes it harder.

Mindfulness

I would definitely want to meet my child and hopefully develop an ongoing relationship with them.

bowman81 · M

Yes, yes, and yes. Life is full of complications. The trick is how we deal with them.

midnightrose · F

I was in a similar situation. I was the child. We did a DNA test to confirm. I was fortunate he welcomed me right in. I attended the family reunion. I think if it were me I'd want to know that child and would meet them.

samueltyler2 · 80-89, M

@midnightrose that is something special!

bijouxbroussard · F

@midnightrose That’s really cool. You have even more family now. 😊

22Michelle · 61-69, T

Yes, yes and probably, life is always complicated.

bookerdana · M

Yes,yes and yes,life is complicated

DeWayfarer · 61-69, M

I would go through any lengths to meet them. Being open there's not a question. I really don't see foreseeable consequences of any type.

I know that could never be the case for me though. It would simply be impossible to have had such a child.

Steffanie · 56-60, T

1. Yes
2. Yes
3. No

I would want to get to know the person first before introducing them to my family. I would let my family now but want distance initially.
Also I would want to know how long the person had know about me too.

ChipmunkErnie · 70-79, M

1) Yes
2) Yes
3) Hard to say, so much would depend on circumstances, how exactly we reacted to each other, etc. etc. Example -- if the kid were a Maga Cultist, things would not go well.

bijouxbroussard · F

@ChipmunkErnie Understandable. 😱

exexec · 61-69, C

Yes, Yes, and No
It's impossible since I have only had sex with my wife. Still, I would want to have a relationship so that I could inform him of his ancestral history through me.

OldBrit · 61-69, M

1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Probably - just simply I've been together with my wife since 1981 so it would be an obviously significant alteration to our relationship and to my adult kids.

Zaphod42 · 51-55, M

I think I’d be agreeable to meeting with them. I don’t know that they would get anything more from it than a better understanding of why their mom never told them about me though 🤷‍♂️

SilentObZerver · 22-25, M

Yeah, but will probably wanna know why she kept that information from me and is now telling me

Why now?

bijouxbroussard · F

@SilentObZerver Definitely a question for the mother. The child may or may not know.

SilentObZerver · 22-25, M

@bijouxbroussard yeah , but will ask the child if he ever enquired from the mom who his father was and at what age/time did he.....
And how willing was her mother to tell him
And after how many years did he finally tell him

scorpiolovedeep · 51-55, M

1) Absolutely yes.
2) Yes
3) Life is full of complications but you cannot argue with reality. One must adjust according to life's complexities, adapt and survive.

Crazywaterspring · 61-69, M

I'd meet with them. If they care to stay in touch, fine. Complicate my life? Not if they're financially stable.

An unknown kid? I wouldn't be totally surprised.

Pfuzylogic · M

1. Yes,
2. even if we didn’t hit it off I would be open to a relationship
3. My life was complicated already.
I just wasn’t aware of it.

ElRengo · 70-79, M

Yes!

Yes!!!!!!!!!!! (someones would add: indeed)

Who cares about problems compared to be in her / his life.

black4white · 56-60, M

1000%onall questions and gladly as well

whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M

Three Yeses. But complications happen..😷

Sojournersoul · M

Yes
Yes
No, would welcome them with open arms.

ffony · M

You're asking for a friend, right?

bijouxbroussard · F

@ffony No, purely hypothetical, although I recently read about a popular English musician who learned at age 30 that his biological father was an American GI his mother had casually dated.

He reached out to the guy, then went to meet him. If the father worried—most guys dread a child turning up asking for money, he needn’t have.
His son is very successful, probably a multi-millionaire by now.

Bang5luts · M

1)Yes
2)Yes
3)No
I would be happy that I finally had an opportunity to get to know and love my child who had to navigate their life thus far without me

blackarcher256 · 61-69, M

Yes to the first two, no to the third

samueltyler2 · 80-89, M

Yes to all 3.

bijouxbroussard · F

@samueltyler2 It would cause problems or complications ?

samueltyler2 · 80-89, M

@bijouxbroussard yes, my wife might get upset. a former girlfriend, a woman i almost married, sent an email to me after 911 asking how i was, if i was hurt or knew anyone who was. she made some comments about seeing my Facebook images and thought what it would have been like if we had married. It freaked my wife out.

ElwoodBlues · M

Yes, yes, and yes.

Havesomefun2 · 56-60, M

All. Correct

ArtieKat · M

Yes, yes and no..

ninalanyon · 61-69, T

1: Yes
2: Yes
3: No.

JoyfulSilence · 46-50, M

I would reject it as a lie, since I am still a virgin, and have never donated.

bijouxbroussard · F

@JoyfulSilence The original premise was that it was a possible scenario.

JoyfulSilence · 46-50, M

@bijouxbroussard

Just being silly.

I probably would not wish to get involved. I do not even want to be a part of my current relatives' lives.

I am very cautious and it takes me time to like a person and it cannot be artificially arranged like this. It has to be organic and natural.

SW-User

A genes test should sort that out for you.

bijouxbroussard · F

@SW-User I don’t understand the reply.

ImperialAerosolKidFromEP · 51-55, M

I don't see how I could ever say no to the first 2, even under much more stringent circumstances and 3, the only problem there is that when we got married I told the wife it is a biological impossibility that I had any kids

uncalled4 · 56-60, M

1 and 2: Sure
3: I don't see how this would cause a problem. Current gf would just have to deal with it. Or not.

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