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I Am Married But Lonely

the wife spends so much energy criticizing me rather than cultivating our relationship. I know I'm not perfect, but she takes it to a new level. Then last month a new girl at work catches my attention, and vice versa - all of a sudden I remember how it felt to be young and painfully stressed out about whether a girl will say 'yes' to a first date.
LyricalOne · F
Well hopefully you’ll work on your marriage instead of a first date.
LyricalOne · F
@vorpido Then have the decency and maturity to end it before starting another relationship. Something those kids are far more likely to respect.
@LyricalOne I have always been decent and mature, and level headed as well. I've put up with her for the kids' sake. She probably feels the same about me. Also, I didn't say I was going to ask out the girl from work, I only said she brought back memories from ages ago when I see her at work. I needed to process these feelings, and sharing them on this site helps me think it through. Will I ask her out??? I can't promise that I won't. But I am trying to sort out my feelings (& my family's feelings too) before doing anything.
LyricalOne · F
@vorpido Let your conscience, the respect of your kids, and your self respect be your guide.

Ironically putting up with her for your kids’ sake probably did them no favors as all you did was model an unhappy marriage for them. My parents did that and the primary feeling I was left with was guilt that my father sacrificed his happiness for me and sadness that neither of them felt marital love.
Montanaman · M
Being married for 31 years...it ain't easy. There's been times where either one of us could have strayed or even given up.
It takes work and sacrifice.
Comprise, compassion and understanding.
Most of all, communication.
It's she's worth it, fight for it.
In my case, she's damn well worth it.
Kelly.
Mguinm · 51-55, F
@Montanaman she's one lucky lady!
Montanaman · M
@Mguinm thank you, but I'm not just being humble when I say, I'm the lucky one.😊
Mguinm · 51-55, F
@Montanaman very nice!
You & every married guy on this site have the same story
Montanaman · M
@DarlingSelah not meh.😋
Alligatorwrestler · 46-50, M
I know how you feel. After 15 years I was pretty much in your shoes. I met someone at work and the butterflies came back. I couldn't wait for the weekend to be over ap I could see her again. In retrospect it was very infantile from me and nothing ever came out of it,even though we were very good friends. It was wasted time pursuing dreams that wasted my mental energy and pushed me even farther from my partner. I finally sat down and I thought I was doing her a favor by explaining to her how I felt. Instead she told me I was hurting her and that I played the blame game. And she felt I always blamed everything on her. We are still working on it. But I totally understand how you felt. I imagine she has given you the best years of her life. She has given you beautiful children and I assume she was a good mother to your children, right? You at the very least owe her that. Let her know you appreciate all the years she has given you. Praise her every chance you get. I challenge YOU to make Make her feel those same butterflies in the stomach feeling when she sees you. Do her chores without her having to ask you. Open the car door for her. Make her feel like she is 20 once again. You may feel 20 yourself once again :)
@Alligatorwrestler Thanks for these thoughts, and I agree we're in the same shoes. One thing in particular .. you opened up to her and she said you were hurting her and playing the blame game. I had exactly the same experience. Whenever I try to open up, however so tactfully, my efforts seem to blow up in my face.

But your advice is on-target too, and I will take it to heart.
Humbled by all the replies to my OP. I only posted originally because I felt the need to write down my feelings. I didn't expect any replies, let alone so many. It is comforting to know people on this site will make the effort to give advice.

Multiple replies were difficult to read because they made me feel pretty bad and in-the-wrong. But I appreciate those nonetheless - and I do read them and take the advice to heart.

Several replies stressed the need for communication in a marriage. I want to reassure everybody that has been tried (and continues - I'm not giving up)

I found SW yesterday (I was looking for something like Experience Project, which I used years ago). This was my first serious post, and I am impressed with the quantity and quality of feedback.
@vorpido 👍️ Its great to note that you ain't giving up yet. Try watching the movie again just in case it has already been seen - link posted by the user Montanaman.
@vorpido 😚🤗 welcome to the zoo ;-)
@vorpido

This site and the thoughtful, kind users on it have helped many of us find a way to improve our lives .... we all came here to reach out and I assure you there are many who are willing to listen... :)
SW-User
Before you even consider asking the other woman out figure out what you want to do with your marriage. Either end it or work on it but don't start another relationship before the first one is 100% over you will just end up hurting everyone including yourself.
Stillsittinghere · 51-55, M
That is very dangerous advice!! Never leave a spouse for someone else without having an idea if the other person if even interested! What if he leaves and the girl wants nothing to do with the guy?! The best thing to do if you are looking is make sure you and the other girl are compatible and like each other. Just don’t go into the new relationship without being completely open and honest about your marriage. Make sure she knows you are married and there are no garauntees so you don’t end up hurting her if she isn’t what you were looking for. If she is, don’t string her along with falsehope make your desire to leave your wife known and make it happen or cut the new girl loose before you make a commitment you can’t keep. @SW-User
Be careful ... younger girls might do everything better, but that includes criticizing and being needy for material things too... js.
PrettyLesley · 31-35, F
Life's too short. I'm not telling you what to do, but if you were my dad or another male relative or friend, I'd say end what's pretty much finished and go for it.
Montanaman · M
@PrettyLesley but really, all it takes is like one of those 4fuckingAm in the morning talks. The serious ones that let your partner know that it's important to talk before talk is too late.🤔
@Montanaman 👍️ Well-said. Hope he read your comment & would act on it sincerely.
Stillsittinghere · 51-55, M
I completely agree! The happiest marriages I see, at my age, are the ones of those who finally got divorced from their first marrriages that occurred when they were too young to know better. Now they are older and have a better understanding of what they want and need and found a much better match for themselves. @PrettyLesley @PrettyLesley
Montanaman · M
Careful fella, those youthful dreams can be an explosive mix.👍😔
That's nice, but you aren't going to ask her out... are you?
Does your wife know the constant criticism hurts you?
One of the reasons I married her was because I felt she needed someone like me.
I am working on keeping my opinion to myself unless asked. @vorpido
iamnikki · 31-35, F
maybe try to have a heart to heart sit-down talk with her? Don't stray...
Montanaman · M
#Fireproof
A movie that could change your marriage.
[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YK5-5qf9IQs]

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THy30pKVcM4]
Michealik · 36-40, M
i think you have to tell her your mind if possible at mid-night you can wake her up and tell her there is something bothering you and make her understand her you love her but you are concerned about the criticism. i think she will possible change some days when you do so repeatedly like 12 times she will rethink and change someday before you fall into a small girl that will fuck a hell out of your senses
Goralski · 51-55, M
My wife made me go out with d secretary:(
@Goralski she made you?
Lilred2289 · 31-35, F
Just ask her!
djjohnson · 41-45, M
Get the same thing from my wife. but never had that second part happen.

 
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