What's the best way to break up with someone you're not in a relationship with?

We met on an app. We've been dating long distance for a few weeks. I told him I was only interested in dating with the intention for marriage and children. He said he was too, but he can't be sure of where we stand until we've actually spent some time together in person, so we talked about him coming to visit. Since then he's been dragging his feet about making solid plans. I finally forced him to pin down a date and he's looking into flight costs. Anyway, I just had this epiphany that having him visit will be a disaster. He doesn't want this to be serious because if he did, he would be the one pushing things forward instead of me. I want to call things off but suggest that we remain friends. We have a lot of shared interests, values, and cultural background. What's the best way to do this? I don't want to have some big blowup, and I don't want him to see this as an ultimatum. I've made my decision.

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hartfire

Having a lot of shared interests, values, and cultural background is a major plus. I wouldn't be so quick to write off someone with that much in common. It doesn't come along very often in life.

I don't think your thought about his procrastinating is an epiphany or an insight. It's an interpretation; you're giving a specific meaning to the facts, but in reality it's impossible to know why he's delaying. There could be all sorts of reasons.
Please check within yourself whether you have a tendency to distrust and doubt.
Does his delaying remind you of any past disappointments?
If so, is it based on past relationships or does it go way back to childhood experiences in your family of origin?

The only reason that the visit would be a disaster would be if you didn't arrange the situation in a way that keeps your boundaries safe.
It's better if he doesn't stay at your place,
or if he does he stays on the sofa.

It's at least worth meeting to find out if he is fisshing or genuine.

But if you still feel certain about breaking it off,the just state it exactly as you have above.
It's clear that you are not presenting him with an either/or demand.
You're making it clear that he has already dithered for far too long
and that within you this has triggered serious doubts.

Honesty is always the best. It allows him to learn from his mistakes.

blindbob · 41-45

@hartfire how could i arrange the visit to protect my boundaries?

CassandraSissy · 26-30, T

Sweetie, some people just need a bit of a kick up the arse - gently or otherwise - to get things moving. It doesn't mean that they're bad people or anything like that. People can get scared for just the most irrational reasons.

I'd say meet him, give him a chance and then see.

I mean, as an example, myself and Matt. He was the one that said that we should move in together. Me? I've never lived with people other than my parents....and, with him being a 'man's man', would he not like seeing me naked in the morning? Without makeup? Would I just be annoying to live with? Would I just be moaning on and on all the time?

So, after a conversation with my mum and dad - essentially '..Cass, stop being a diva. He really likes you. Give it a go..' - I did move in with him. Then we got a place together and, boom, 3 years have passed and we're very happy together.

Life can be like going out on a date - everything planned and looking forward to it - or doing your homework - procrastinating, dragging your feet but you know it's going to change your life. This is how we're wired. It doesn't mean that people are anything less than the other, it just means that they need some encouragement. That's all...

I needed encouragement in my situation....and now? Life without Matt? Couldn't imagine life before Matt let alone if we split up.

Just my thoughts...

Cassandra xx

blindbob · 41-45

@CassandraSissy it doesn't look like he's coming after all. he hasn't even purchased the tickets and phone calls have lessened.

Pinkstarburst · 51-55, F

I’m so confused. Just tell him everything you just said. Be honest. If he gets mad then he can go away and figure out how to get glad again.

blindbob · 41-45

@Pinkstarburst haha! i guess this is more on me. normally, i would just space things out until he figured out it was over, but i genuinely do want to remain friends because it's been a really long time since i've met someone that i have so many shared interests with. i have really enjoyed just talking about what we're reading and the indie films we both are really into and stuff like that. plus, we come from the same vantage point about cultural things, so it's nice to feel less alone in that regard.

Starcrossed · 41-45, F

Why does there have to be some big blow up. If he can't take the "this isn't working out" talk, you block and go no contact.

blindbob · 41-45

@Starcrossed I'm asking for tips for how to do the "this isn't working out" talk in a way that is productive. we have had a couple "where do things stand" talks already and i think we've made some progress, but then nothing changes.

Starcrossed · 41-45, F

@blindbob straight and to the point just lay it all out there.

Spoiledbrat · F

It sounds like you don't want it either.

blindbob · 41-45

@Spoiledbrat Right.

LunarOrbit · 56-60, M

Go with your gut.

You already made up your mind.

aboveaverageaveragejoe · 51-55, M

He's too chicken shit to break it up. Hearing from you will be a relief for him. Show him the exit and he'll gladly accept.

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