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Should I give up on my ex?

Me and my ex have a very long & complicated history that spans to about 2 years now. We've been through like 3 breakups (with the latest breakup being the definitive one that's stuck) yet we continue to talk almost every single day. We have issues on a romantic level, but generally we can talk about literally anything on a platonic level & have ourselves a good time. She's a wonderful friend to have, and we both make it apparent to one another that we still are madly in love with each other. For example, we both agreed that we shouldn't do anything special for Valentine's Day but we still wound up spending the day together anyways. She is a very deep person once u get to know her... The only problem is that while we have romantic issues in regards to intimacy, she also is a very busy person during the span of a day. She's essentially her mother's caregiver and there are days we go without talking because of how busy & exhausting it can be for her on some days. And while I try to be understanding in regards to this, I sometimes get the impression that if I was to commit myself to her for the long-term, that I would be met with disappointment since she commits so much of her time & self to taking care of her mom and home. Which isn't an issue to me at all, but I wish she found more ways to make me feel like an important part of her life. I honestly don't feel very... important or valuable to her life at all. It's hard to explain, but a part of me wishes she would acknowledge what exactly it is that we share. Just so I know where I stand in her life... like, I know it sounds selfish but a part of me feels like if I was as important to her as she claims, that she would find ways to make more time for me during some days or find ways to make me feel like a bigger part of her life by this point. I try not to impose these thoughts to her since we've been on & off again for almost two years, but deep down I honestly had hoped that by this point maybe I would be a bigger part of her life & vice versa. I don't wish to talk to her all day every day or anything like that, but I want to feel more important than only being given one single part of the day to chat with her. Most people who are in love typically [i]want[/i] to spend more time together than that, right? I end up feeling used & controlled when I'm the one sitting there waiting for a response from her at the end of the day.... I know that she loves me but I honestly don't know if I can keep waiting and waiting for something to happen like this. I love her to death but if something doesn't change soon, I don't think I can continue to wait for something that may never even happen. We don't even talk on messaging apps like normal people do, she keeps our talking limited to either email or a youtube playlists [b]even though she has a freaking phone.[/b] That only started happening after the breakup though, as she felt that "my actions should have consequences". She's the one who makes the decision as to what we do, where we talk & the such... I don't have much of a say in the matter. There's no way I'm going to wait until her mother passes before making that next step. But at the rate things are going atm, it sure seems like the only plan she's got. Idk if it helps but she's a fearful avoidant so that makes matters a tad bit more complicated as well. I'm at a loss though at the end of the day.

What should I do? Give up on her & find someone who can make that time for me that I am looking for? Or should I try to ride this out, and see where it brings me for a little while longer? I love her so much but I just want to feel important to someone again... I wish for my presence to be valued & wanted by someone again. It doesn't feel very [i]wanted[/i] by her on some days like today, where I haven't heard a word from her in about three days. (To be fair she did warn me in advance that she had family coming over to stay the night, but still...)

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LadyGrace

Are you willing to tell yourself the truth after 2 years? Can you not see the signs? People who are into each other, make time for each other. It sounds more like she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, than that she loves you the same as you love her. She may love you but that doesn't necessarily mean she wants to be with you forever. How many years will you let this go on? She sounds very emotionally unavailable. I don't see the same reciprocation and that's sad. Are you in love with what you [b]thought[/b] you had, or what you actually have? Big difference. You deserve so much better.

riseofthemachine · 41-45, M

@LadyGrace Hi Lady Grace . Your on the ball on what said there and you mentioned one word that wiped me out in a relationship. You mentioned the word (forever) .
Some said that to me I ended up in psyche ward for 6 weeks cause I put my heart and soul into the relationship when she said forever . It nearly wiped me out cause now I'm single and I understand nothing's forever and my life nowadays is much more simple cause I understand it now and I'm after getting old .I was 26 when she said that to me now I'm 43 and have a better understanding.

LadyGrace

@riseofthemachine Things can actually be forever. But it takes each working together on it daily and nourishing and supporting each other. It can be forever if you choose the right one and not rush into things. It takes really good communication. I wouldn't give up if I were you. I would pray about it and ask God to show me the right one. The one that won't hurt me because there is someone out there, believe it or not, that would treasure you and that's the person you need to find, your very [b]best friend[/b]. I'm sorry you got hurt. There's a lot that goes into a relationship and too many rush into it and even marry people they don't even respect. You are still young and you can find someone. Nothing says you have to get married right away but you well at least have a great best friend and let the relationship grow from there. It just can't be one-sided. Both have to work at it equally as hard but I believe when you show people respect it doesn't have to be hard.

riseofthemachine · 41-45, M

I can't tell you too finish with her completely or not . That's not my choice only you know that .
What I can say is that you mentioned a few times 1. You love her and she loves you .
2. You don't feel important .
3. You feel controlled .
4. She's a deep person .
Your a young man I'm gonna tell you that .
What I'm gonna say to you don't leave this ruin your life cause it happens especially if you loved someone and you didn't feel important .
I'm gonna tell you that feeling is a complete " bone crusher mentally " and if you don't do something it could take you years to get over it especially if you loved someone .
I'm gonna tell you another thing with that woman . It looked looks like it seems to be on all her terms and that's why you feel controlled .
She can reel you in like a fishing rod anytime she wants too and your part with that and no fault of her she's after making you feel insecure and that's where all the doubt comes in and why you can't answer the question for yourself cause she's after reeling you in emotionally like a fishing rod .
Also why and you answered it yourself you said she's deep and deep people can detach very easily and why is she deep cause she's caring for her mother ' Stress' .
See I can't tell you what to do and I won't cause all of that you have decide for yourself .
I had something similar and ended up off my game for a few years . The not feeling important part no.1 and after coming out the other side of it these days I'm after getting a deep person now no 2 I can detach easily now .
Do you know why I said I can answer you cause I don't know . My experience I ended up in a psyche ward for 6 weeks after it finished and a lot more happened before and after that in the relationship. That's my experience. That's why I can't say nothing cause it could work out for you but I told you my experience when it didn't work out and it was about 6 months later after the break up it hit me and ended up in the psyche ward .
If ye get on great that's a bonus but don't leave it go sour . That's all I can say

TheMasterMan1 · 22-25, M

@riseofthemachine I definitely won't let it just go sour & leave abruptly, we tried that before & we still inevitably found our way back to each other. I feel as if she is able to detach from me incredibly easily in the way you described, and I won't doubt that she has her own emotions & the such to process when considering why this may happen. However because everything is on her terms, I don't feel the initiative or drive to keep having hope for something more between us. I have offered to be there for her & help with all sorts of things as much as I possibly can but she only lets me in oh so much. So there really isn't any point in trying to make anything work out on a romantic level as long as she's the one wearing the pants in the relationship. I don't like being reeled in just to face the same conclusion as before. So therefore I think I'm just gonna give love a break for a while... maybe have some no-strings attached relations here & there but nothing serious for the foreseeable future.

riseofthemachine · 41-45, M

@TheMasterMan1 See my friend when someone is very deep , a lot of the time there stressed ' or you can say in there head a lot ' especially caring for her mother and when someone else approaches them with love they could be afraid of breaking down and crying cause they have so much going on that's why they can detach very easily .
She's not showing you that she cant love . She probably tired of it too much showing love to her mother especially if she's a carer .
Love is the most hardest thing in life too do .
People say it's easy . It's far from that cause it ends up the way you described the post you sent ending up doubting everything and turning everything in on yourself .
Do you get me now ?
I'm not biased by no means but I'm gonna tell you another thing it's much easier for woman to get more attention that men .
Woman can get that easier , and you then could end up being wipe out

riseofthemachine · 41-45, M

@TheMasterMan1 I'm gonna tell you . I had suicide thoughts constantly for a year and half after a break up . Mine ended up sour . It was 6 months after it hit me then

PoetryNEmotion · F

You want from here what she cannot give. She is a full-time caregiver. You have been on and off with her for 2 years. Have you tried to spend time with her helping her with caregiving duties? I doubt it. You want to be more of her priority. Yet you cannot be. And she hasn't changed anything in 2 years to give you reason to think that this situation will change any time soon. You seem pretty needy to me. If a person loves you, you are already important. You and she are not compatible. Sometimes people just hold on because it is easier and more familiar to do so then to move on. You haven't mentioned sitting down with her and setting a chunk of time to fully discuss this with her. My suggestion is to break up for good. No more contact. Stop holding onto her because it will never progress. Her mom is not going to die for a long time. That is her priority. Accept it. You are young. Got it?

PoetryNEmotion · F

In addition, dating these days does not mean investing years. Within a few months, one should be ready to make a marital.commitment. That or move on. I think you are settling and/ or are afraid.

Elisbch · M

I think you answered your own question about halfway thru your story.
BTW ... 2 years isn't long. That's not even getting started. Do you really want to still be hashing this stuff out with her 5, 10 years from now? That's what i thought.... go find another woman. A productive and rewarding hobby would be better. Love and relationships are over-rated. Why do you think more than half never make it? It's probably too late already, but try not to get sucked into the pleasures of women. It's only temporary.... and they always make that decision [i]for[/i] you every time (it's their game and their rules) unless you're smart and strong enough to be able to walk away at anytime....and having better interests for just yourself is also a plus. Good luck. 👍🏻

TheMasterMan1 · 22-25, M

@Elisbch This is by far the most informative & well-thought out reply. I have all of those things tbh, but I am weak & get sucked back into the pleasures of women after some time. You're 100% right by the way, it is their game and their rules which makes me not really want anything to do with love for quite a while if I do just give up on this. I feel as if I definitely deserve to have a say in regards to that decision, but some people just won't let you. So it may be for the best that I just give up on her in terms of romance. If it ever comes up again, I'll simply tell her that I wish to just be friends as we both cannot give each other what we want. Lol u gotta love the replies telling me that I'm the needy one smothering her. Apparently only being able to talk to the person you love during one time of the day each day is normal to all of you? Fuck outta here, Relationships need more than just one time a day to flourish & prosper.

Elisbch · M

@TheMasterMan1

to be honest, it's not thought out. I've lived it for a very long time is all. It's just one person's perspective. It's what I've learned and what works for me. They'll be more opinions posted here. I got tired of playing the [i]game[/i] but only (like many) spent too many decades doing so. For me, now it's only platonic relationships with women or nothing at all and I feel free, far less drama and the game doesn't exist. It's easy for me but I remember, it's a lot harder when you're younger. A lot harder.
Use your gut instinct. If it doesn't feel right most likely it's not. Try to talk it out but be prepared to read between the lines a lot.

Elisbch · M

[i] Concerning posts marked TLDR[/i] ... is on them because they're too lazy to read thru the whole thing.

What is the TLDR meaning?

abbreviation for [i][c=800000]too long; didn't read:[/c][/i] ... used to comment on something that someone has written, for example on social media: [i]If a commenter responds to a post with "tl;dr," it expresses an [c=800000][u]expectation to be entertained without needing to pay attention or to think.[/i][/u][/c] I haven't been able to keep up with this thread (TLDR).

So many using social media think everything should be kept short. Social media is the new group talking, sometimes the replacement to a phone call they can't make to a friend or a friend they don't have. Sometimes it's the conversation over a coffee with a friend that's willing to sit and listen but there is no friend for that or their lives are too busy. Since we don't all get together and have person to person sit downs with each other and get to talk with people even on the phone for any much length of time sometimes, or even if some people don't have any real life friends.... [i]it's places like these[/i] that people come to vent and get their troubles out when they have no one else to turn to. This is where people get things off their chest and if it takes them more words to get their thoughts out and heard or read then what you're interested in reading, then move on but don't tell somebody TLDR.

[i]It's not their purpose to please you[/i] and what you think the length of their posts should be.

What happened to having a little patience, a little empathy, a little understanding. With most people I see that went out the window a long time ago.

DoubleRings · 51-55, F

2 years isn’t a long time but that’s enough time for BS to start which it is. So move on with someone who doesn’t inspire you to ponder this question.

TheMasterMan1 · 22-25, M

@DoubleRings Believe it or not, the BS started well over a year ago lol. We just have a hard time letting each other go tbh

DoubleRings · 51-55, F

@TheMasterMan1 that’s very common to go through on again off again. It’s a sign let go permanently and move on.

heavyone2 · 61-69, M

Dude,,, coming from and old man here: Drop her like a hot rock and move ahead. You are a young man... as soon as you find someone new , the calls will start...ha.

Move on, Dude,, life is short and there are great people out there.

Flenflyys · 31-35, F

Yea cut it off, she isn’t serious about you and you’re a placeholder. Focus your efforts elsewhere.

SomeMichGuy · M

@Flenflyys 👆👆👆

Mudkip · 31-35, M

You're kinda wasting your time buddy. Drop it, it's not the end of the world if you do.

GerOttman · 61-69, M

Let me ask you this. are you in a rush to settle down? Two years is a good start but it just might need more time to settle out. Sometimes you just need to let things come to you instead of snatching at them and scaring them away. Have you ever tried to catch a cat? They just run away! Sometimes if you wait them out they come to you. Doesn't hurt to bring some treats either...

BigBulge · 41-45, M

You can't find the right person for you unless you let go of your Ex.

NoThanksLeon · M

You need to kill her mother.

TheMasterMan1 · 22-25, M

@NoThanksLeon F*ck that. You saw what happened to the dude that helped Gypsy off her own mother... that dude is gonna spend the rest of his life rotting away in a prison while she gets off practically scot-free for the crime [i]she[/i] planned and committed...