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Should I give up?

I'm just going to drop the ball on this and say it... I love my boyfriend, but he's addicted to work. He is 46 and has been married before. So he's not super into the idea of long-term commitment anymore. I think he doesnt believe it's achievable forever.

I've never been married and I am 32. I hope to be some day though. I love communication and touch, and I need to see my partner at least 1x/week. He can go weeks without talking or seeing me, but he still loves me. He just gets consumed in work.

I tried talking to him about this last night, since it's been about a month since we've seen each other in person last. When we do see each other in person, it's magic, but I need the continued long distance communication to keep the flame burning. The longer we go without talking the more anxious I become in the relationship and unsure of how he feels.

So anyways, I brought this up to him last night and asked him what the minimum and maximum time he would ideally like to have together. He asked me and i answered, then I asked it back. In response he said, "This is boring. I dont want to talk about it." I explained that I dont feel good when we rarely see each other but if there was some limit/standard/expectation it would make me feel more secure in the relationship. He said "That's too mechanical." I continued to try to explain, but it seemed like he was getting bothered by the idea of talking about it.

We currently see each other in person about 1x/month. We live a 5 hour drive from each other and it's a 45 min flight.

It started out as a phone call, then went to text. Here are the messages from that conversation.

[image]
elafina · 36-40, F
Oh girl...oh oh oh. I mean.. you can definitely do better dear. He sounds like an egotistical, depressed and dark type of person who wants you but only in his own terms. That's not true love. Step back, do yourself a favour and create space in your life away from him, the situation sounds truly devastating for your well being. Goodbye him, the sooner the better.
He needs help actually but don't fall for it, you can't help him. All the best...
JimboSaturn · 51-55, M
@elafina Agreed, he is mean.
Jeephikelove · 46-50, F
Ya I would leave, sometimes loving them isn’t enough, you need and deserve to be loved the way you need and want.
Juvia · 18-21, F
Yeah I would drop it. Especially in a long-distance phone calls or texting is very important to maintain it at the bare minimum. But if you aren't even getting that regularly either tf.
Plus he doesn't seem interested as you are, otherwise he would make an effort. Married before or not.

You guys just don't seem to line up with the same interests/goals in this case. And like someone else said, unless you're okay with it being this way forever then I would move on.
The longer you stay with him the more time you waste finding the partner you actually want.
Muthafukajones · 46-50, M
He’s a dick
HannibalAteMeOut · 22-25, F
A long distance relationship is hard enough even when both want to see each other, but when one doesn't really want to make the effort it becomes unbearable. If I were you I'd give up, especially since you want something serious (marriage).
robertsnj · 56-60, M
hugs that is tough--I have been the guy who works too much before. But i was always wiling to sit down and talk it out and even left a job before to get more time in a relationship. I tell you that because i know what it is like to have a job that is really hour intensive and to get lost in that job. I would just figure if I can get past this hump I can slow down in work and often that was true. I don't know his situation though. I don't know if there is a light at the end of his tunnel that will let him slow down or if he just really is passionate about working.

a month is really unreasonable . I am sorry for your pain and hope you find a resolution that is emotionally healthy for you.
RedGrizzly · 26-30, F
I wish I could box this dude. Straight up. To me, he's so damn disrespectful and dishonest to treat a woman like that. He's no man, idc how old he is. Sure, he checked out. His right to do if things just don't jive, but to keep leading you on, disrespect how YOU feel, then hide away because you're calling him out. He should hold an honest conversation with you about the relationship, instead of being a d. Man, he'd not worth your time and effort. Don't cry over a [b]boy[/b] like that.
PhilDeep · 51-55, M
Falling in love is one thing. Actually being compatible us a completely different matter. Sustaining a relationship even if in love and compatible is another thing still. I think the vast majority of people no-longer have the maturity to do that. Maybe your guy feels the same, in which case you don't even sound compatible. Sorry to say it straight out but it's just my opinion from what you're telling us. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone to throw their love away, for the pain it inevitably causes eventually.
Bearsfan67 · 56-60, M
I think the final „thanks for the pearls“ comment says it all. When someone bares their soul and wants to talk about working on a relationship I can see the response being difficult but no way sarcasm. It’s sad but this may be a case of you’ve done all you could and time to move on to someone who appreciates your commitment and communicates with respect.
NickyLee · 41-45
I'm one of those guys that work on the road also, and just from what you've said already, I can tell that you're not going to do well with that life.
That's not at all your fault. It takes a toll on the wife back at home and then if you introduce children into that life, it gets even worse.
You're in a rough spot and I truly feel for you, but that's the reality of the circumstances as long as he plans to stay on the road.
I've tried coming off the road but the best I can do both financially as well as control my sanity,is to go out on the road a few weeks every few months. Once you get a taste for that big money, it's hard to turn it down. Plus if he's anything like me, he'll go crazy not seeing different jobs or different states.
The other side to this though is the loneliness we face, living in hotels most of the year. So it's hard on us to which in turn, creates even more stress in a relationship
laurieluvsit · 26-30, F
"[i]Love is blind" [/i]~Geoffrey Chaucer

"[i]They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning[/i]" ~Clint Eastwood

There is a man out there right now wishing, hoping and praying for someone exactly like you who will treat you like the Queen you are.

This guy is not him ...you know I'm right.

Doomsdaysmores · 41-45, M
Hes checked out.
wtfgirl001 · 31-35, F
@Doomsdaysmores Thanks. I wanted to just think of him as 'distant', but i think you're right.
Elisbch · M
Move on .... or learn to be happy with living with the current [i]ever lasting[/i] situation. (He's not going to help you do that either.) (imho). How much more abuse do you really want from him?
wtfgirl001 · 31-35, F
@Elisbch I've never really thought of it as abuse, but maybe it is.
Elisbch · M
That, you'll have to decide, if [i]neglect[/i] is or isn't abuse. I hope for you though that you don't lose yourself in it. 🙂🙏🏻 .. It appears he's quite comfortable with where he's at and doesn't appear to want to even participate in discussions with you about anything further.
Aren't you worth more? Don't you deserve more? I don't know you, but my answer to that is an astounding YES. .. @wtfgirl001
AlchemyFox · 36-40, F
Ew he’s a jerk!
TravisTx · M
Honestly, I just don’t think he’s that into you. He may very well have another relationship going on. You need to sever ties with him and find a man that is ready to commit. That’s what you want and deserve.
SW-User
Long distance relationships are difficult to sustain. Aim to be with each other at least one weekend once a fortnight.

Do things together.

Work is not the most important thing in life. People are.
RileyLandS · 41-45, M
get out

he's not addicted to work. he's either fucking other women or he's a horrible communicator

you can do better
SW-User
If I were you, I'd be concerned that he might be involved with someone or something else.
NewRaven · 51-55, F
@SW-User totally agree with you. He doesn’t sound invested. In my experience, when a man is interested, you’ll know. You’ll hear from him and /or see him as frequently as he can manage. Regardless of work, he would still find a minute to at least text or call to let you know they’re thinking of you.
SW-User
@NewRaven Exactly. If there's one thing I've learned about relationships, it's that you'll be 100% sure when a man is really into you. If you need to question his level of interest, something's wrong. And lack of communication is one of the biggest red flags...
caccoon · 36-40
He's likely an avoidant attachment style. He does love you, but is afraid of commitment and content with distance and time apart. You cannot change him. It's better to look for someone who is receptive to you and that will make you happy. You deserve that
Y’all don’t share the same relationship goals or interests. Sorry, you should cut the line and move on.
dale74 · M
His previous wife may have screwed him so bad he is not able to trust and be in a good relationship.
Bananana · 22-25, F
He's 46 and cant even communicate; you know the answer
Butter64 · 56-60, M
Sorry to say but I dont think it will work.
wtfgirl001 · 31-35, F
@Butter64 I think you may be right
meggie · F
There's nothing to look forward to with him
JimboSaturn · 51-55, M
He is not into you. Sorry.
samueltyler2 · 80-89, M
good luck to you. ❤️
MartinTheFirst · 26-30, M
A man who does not have time for a wife should not have a wife.. that should be self-evident. Jesus said this concerning marriage "Let the one who can make room for it make room for it", and your bf from the sounds of it is [i]not[/i] making room for it. (Matthew 19:12)

There's also this hehe "Corinthians 7:38 So also, whoever marries does well, but whoever does not marry will do better."
uncalled4 · 56-60, M
He's not making you a priority, bottom line. Sorry to be blunt. You can't get blood from a stone.
This message was deleted by its author.
wtfgirl001 · 31-35, F
@BlueGreenGrey Yeah, that's the main thing. Our communication styles/needs are so different.
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