Why are so many people bossy yet there are so many terrible doms?
isn't that in the job description?
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Being a Dom is about so much more than "Do this".
A good Dom strives to ensure that They provide the right environment, so that all Their submissive has to think about is "Yes" or "No". They weigh up what They are asking of their submissive, assessing if it is in the submissive's best interests to learn this lesson, how it will benefit the submissive for the rest of that submissive's life.
They make Themselves available to Their submissive in the same way a parent does for a small child... if anything is wrong, no matter how trivial it might feel at the moment, the Dom wants to know about it.
The average SW Dom thinks only in terms of the next hour. That's no good when you have taken control of a submissive's freedom to urinate without permission and gone to bed for the night without being clear that the submissive is free to relieve themselves. As a Dom, you bring clarity, direction and stability to a submissive's life... you never leave her needing guidance from other Doms and submissives - because you got tired and are sleeping.
If I tell a submissive "Get me water" - what does she learn beyond the fact I want a glass of water??? She learns how to serve Me, how I prefer My water to be served to Me, how nice it feels to be able to help her Domme in a small way and it helps to reinforce the bond between a Domme and their submissive at the same time as learning that I won't ask a submissive to do anything that I am not happy to do myself. That can be a big help in establishing trust in the Dom.
A good Dom strives to ensure that They provide the right environment, so that all Their submissive has to think about is "Yes" or "No". They weigh up what They are asking of their submissive, assessing if it is in the submissive's best interests to learn this lesson, how it will benefit the submissive for the rest of that submissive's life.
They make Themselves available to Their submissive in the same way a parent does for a small child... if anything is wrong, no matter how trivial it might feel at the moment, the Dom wants to know about it.
The average SW Dom thinks only in terms of the next hour. That's no good when you have taken control of a submissive's freedom to urinate without permission and gone to bed for the night without being clear that the submissive is free to relieve themselves. As a Dom, you bring clarity, direction and stability to a submissive's life... you never leave her needing guidance from other Doms and submissives - because you got tired and are sleeping.
If I tell a submissive "Get me water" - what does she learn beyond the fact I want a glass of water??? She learns how to serve Me, how I prefer My water to be served to Me, how nice it feels to be able to help her Domme in a small way and it helps to reinforce the bond between a Domme and their submissive at the same time as learning that I won't ask a submissive to do anything that I am not happy to do myself. That can be a big help in establishing trust in the Dom.
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popmol · 26-30, M
@HootyTheNightOwl mighty words spoken from a lovely owl!
@Tumbleweed For what it's worth... I've been missing it again recently - but still not enough it return to the lifestyle in any capacity, just enough to be thinking about what it'd be like to have my own sub again.
Tumbleweed · F
@HootyTheNightOwl Nice!
OogieBoogie · F
Well, yeah, kinda - but no.
(Mind you there are all types of Doms/Dommes, from soft Doms to hard Doms, from caring to fake and sadistic).
Idealisitically a Dom is about 'guiding', ' teaching'.....and caring.
A Dom doesnt have to be bossy, in fact bossy prolly isnt a good word for them - they need to exhibit the ultimate in control and leadership and know how to get the best from people - DEPENDING UPON HOW THEY WORK.
So.....if we were to say a Dom had more than one submissive, the Dom would tailor their approach to each submissive, depending upon what they each individually needed.
You have to understand that the key to how a Dom works - is their submissive:
-The submissive is the lock,
- The Dom is the key.
The submissive is the one that holds the energy and the power, but relinquishes it to the Dom - the Dom executes it.
Being a good Dom can be EXTEMELY HARD, COMPLICATED and EXHAUSTING.
Ultimately - its about CARE.
Mind you, there are prolly 10 fake doms out there, to every true Dom.
And i must add:
- that every D/s dynamic is different.
- that many people go into this without learning and it often ends up very m/s instead, (which is good if thats how those two work), but han be HIGHLY damaging to the submissive.
There are cases where naive submissives have gotten severe trauma from ignorant doms.
Also - for some its a lifestyle, for some its just sexual....so theres that difference as well.
Edit: im also going to add that this is an EXCEEDINGLY misunderstood kink.
People hear of Doms and think leather, chains, whips etc.
The thing is, is that this is deep psychological stuff.
Some Doms aren't even sexual - there are such D/s relationships where sex isnt a factor, its about the bond, the trust, the mentality of it.
If you are interested in this topic, i REALLY suggest you do some research.
Go to forums, read, ask questions, check out podcasts and blogs on it.
Asking what a Dom is, is very much like asking what food is .....there are so many types, flavours, and strengths.
If you are wanting one, be aware that it can be a tedious process finding the perfect key for your particular lock.
Sometimes its just a matter of communcation, sometimes its a matter of finding the right person.
But if you get it right, you will know yourself better, and feel more comfortable in your skin than you ever have .
(Mind you there are all types of Doms/Dommes, from soft Doms to hard Doms, from caring to fake and sadistic).
Idealisitically a Dom is about 'guiding', ' teaching'.....and caring.
A Dom doesnt have to be bossy, in fact bossy prolly isnt a good word for them - they need to exhibit the ultimate in control and leadership and know how to get the best from people - DEPENDING UPON HOW THEY WORK.
So.....if we were to say a Dom had more than one submissive, the Dom would tailor their approach to each submissive, depending upon what they each individually needed.
You have to understand that the key to how a Dom works - is their submissive:
-The submissive is the lock,
- The Dom is the key.
The submissive is the one that holds the energy and the power, but relinquishes it to the Dom - the Dom executes it.
Being a good Dom can be EXTEMELY HARD, COMPLICATED and EXHAUSTING.
Ultimately - its about CARE.
Mind you, there are prolly 10 fake doms out there, to every true Dom.
And i must add:
- that every D/s dynamic is different.
- that many people go into this without learning and it often ends up very m/s instead, (which is good if thats how those two work), but han be HIGHLY damaging to the submissive.
There are cases where naive submissives have gotten severe trauma from ignorant doms.
Also - for some its a lifestyle, for some its just sexual....so theres that difference as well.
Edit: im also going to add that this is an EXCEEDINGLY misunderstood kink.
People hear of Doms and think leather, chains, whips etc.
The thing is, is that this is deep psychological stuff.
Some Doms aren't even sexual - there are such D/s relationships where sex isnt a factor, its about the bond, the trust, the mentality of it.
If you are interested in this topic, i REALLY suggest you do some research.
Go to forums, read, ask questions, check out podcasts and blogs on it.
Asking what a Dom is, is very much like asking what food is .....there are so many types, flavours, and strengths.
If you are wanting one, be aware that it can be a tedious process finding the perfect key for your particular lock.
Sometimes its just a matter of communcation, sometimes its a matter of finding the right person.
But if you get it right, you will know yourself better, and feel more comfortable in your skin than you ever have .
popmol · 26-30, M
@OogieBoogie do you know fetlife?
well yeah aren't contracts things like the rules set up behind the scene, what isn't allowed what is, safe words and such?
aftercare, if i get my ass beat for fun there better be some aftercare afterwards!
haha don't worry i might hate myself but i have high self preservation instinct!
well yeah aren't contracts things like the rules set up behind the scene, what isn't allowed what is, safe words and such?
aftercare, if i get my ass beat for fun there better be some aftercare afterwards!
haha don't worry i might hate myself but i have high self preservation instinct!
OogieBoogie · F
@popmol contract -pretty much.
Aftercare is more psychological: after every 'up', (or 'opening up'), there will be a down.
Sometimes it can trigger emotional stuff afterwards.
Sometimes after being that openly bare to ones inner nature it can leave you fragile, scared, embarrassed.... any numner of things.
There needs to be a transition time allowed for coming out of a session ....with support.
Its also an excellent time to talk about the session, and feelings, ideas, what worked and what didn't.
Aftercare is more psychological: after every 'up', (or 'opening up'), there will be a down.
Sometimes it can trigger emotional stuff afterwards.
Sometimes after being that openly bare to ones inner nature it can leave you fragile, scared, embarrassed.... any numner of things.
There needs to be a transition time allowed for coming out of a session ....with support.
Its also an excellent time to talk about the session, and feelings, ideas, what worked and what didn't.
popmol · 26-30, M
@OogieBoogie that's what i meant! :p but yes after care is nice and a must!
ooh i see that makes sense!
ooh i see that makes sense!
Tumbleweed · F
popmol · 26-30, M
@HumanEarth i hope you focussed on the other part!
Crazychick · 36-40, F
HumanEarth · F
OogieBoogie · F
@simjks4 There is a huge history to this stuff. Its as old as, well, mankind.
You have to remember its more psychological than it first appears.
They are discovering that for some rape victims, BDSM csn be a very healing journey - it puts them in contol of a past traumatizing narrative....that can re-write it to help them heal both emotionally and mentally.
Its not uncommon for longtime or married partners in this community to talk about how stronger their relationship is than they ever imagined it could be.
They KNOW each other DEEPLY. Deeper than most vanilla relationships ever will.
The trust and honestly level in this dynamic goes to levels that most people wont or dont.
I mean, have you ever told someone in the real world your deepest most vulnerable amd embarrassing fantasies ?
You have to remember its more psychological than it first appears.
They are discovering that for some rape victims, BDSM csn be a very healing journey - it puts them in contol of a past traumatizing narrative....that can re-write it to help them heal both emotionally and mentally.
Its not uncommon for longtime or married partners in this community to talk about how stronger their relationship is than they ever imagined it could be.
They KNOW each other DEEPLY. Deeper than most vanilla relationships ever will.
The trust and honestly level in this dynamic goes to levels that most people wont or dont.
I mean, have you ever told someone in the real world your deepest most vulnerable amd embarrassing fantasies ?
simjks4 · 22-25, M
@OogieBoogie noted
OogieBoogie · F
@simjks4 hmm, sarcasm, avoidance and mimimal language 🤔
(No judgy, just observation)
I have a feeling im talking about levels youve never experienced, and even feel uncomfortable talking about.
I apologize for that.
Its just......things are rarely as we think them to be.
I studied sexuality
Ive asked people about theirs over the years to complement my understanding.
And....to be frank....sexuality is a core trait.
Its deep deep stuff.
Complex stuff.
Its kinda up there with spiritual shit and relgion.
Its why psychologists are still studying it.
We still know so little about it.
People think sex is sexuality. But its not.
Sex is ...well....fucking .
But add the mental aspect of deeper bonding , and it can become something so deeply spiritually itll make you cry from its beauty.
Which is why my serious answers.
Im all for people working on understanding themsleves better.
💜💚
(No judgy, just observation)
I have a feeling im talking about levels youve never experienced, and even feel uncomfortable talking about.
I apologize for that.
Its just......things are rarely as we think them to be.
I studied sexuality
Ive asked people about theirs over the years to complement my understanding.
And....to be frank....sexuality is a core trait.
Its deep deep stuff.
Complex stuff.
Its kinda up there with spiritual shit and relgion.
Its why psychologists are still studying it.
We still know so little about it.
People think sex is sexuality. But its not.
Sex is ...well....fucking .
But add the mental aspect of deeper bonding , and it can become something so deeply spiritually itll make you cry from its beauty.
Which is why my serious answers.
Im all for people working on understanding themsleves better.
💜💚
popmol · 26-30, M
@MoonPieSmilez really? i don't understand but i'll gladly accept the love!
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