Why are so many people bossy yet there are so many terrible doms?
isn't that in the job description?
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OogieBoogie · F
Well, yeah, kinda - but no.
(Mind you there are all types of Doms/Dommes, from soft Doms to hard Doms, from caring to fake and sadistic).
Idealisitically a Dom is about 'guiding', ' teaching'.....and caring.
A Dom doesnt have to be bossy, in fact bossy prolly isnt a good word for them - they need to exhibit the ultimate in control and leadership and know how to get the best from people - DEPENDING UPON HOW THEY WORK.
So.....if we were to say a Dom had more than one submissive, the Dom would tailor their approach to each submissive, depending upon what they each individually needed.
You have to understand that the key to how a Dom works - is their submissive:
-The submissive is the lock,
- The Dom is the key.
The submissive is the one that holds the energy and the power, but relinquishes it to the Dom - the Dom executes it.
Being a good Dom can be EXTEMELY HARD, COMPLICATED and EXHAUSTING.
Ultimately - its about CARE.
Mind you, there are prolly 10 fake doms out there, to every true Dom.
And i must add:
- that every D/s dynamic is different.
- that many people go into this without learning and it often ends up very m/s instead, (which is good if thats how those two work), but han be HIGHLY damaging to the submissive.
There are cases where naive submissives have gotten severe trauma from ignorant doms.
Also - for some its a lifestyle, for some its just sexual....so theres that difference as well.
Edit: im also going to add that this is an EXCEEDINGLY misunderstood kink.
People hear of Doms and think leather, chains, whips etc.
The thing is, is that this is deep psychological stuff.
Some Doms aren't even sexual - there are such D/s relationships where sex isnt a factor, its about the bond, the trust, the mentality of it.
If you are interested in this topic, i REALLY suggest you do some research.
Go to forums, read, ask questions, check out podcasts and blogs on it.
Asking what a Dom is, is very much like asking what food is .....there are so many types, flavours, and strengths.
If you are wanting one, be aware that it can be a tedious process finding the perfect key for your particular lock.
Sometimes its just a matter of communcation, sometimes its a matter of finding the right person.
But if you get it right, you will know yourself better, and feel more comfortable in your skin than you ever have .
(Mind you there are all types of Doms/Dommes, from soft Doms to hard Doms, from caring to fake and sadistic).
Idealisitically a Dom is about 'guiding', ' teaching'.....and caring.
A Dom doesnt have to be bossy, in fact bossy prolly isnt a good word for them - they need to exhibit the ultimate in control and leadership and know how to get the best from people - DEPENDING UPON HOW THEY WORK.
So.....if we were to say a Dom had more than one submissive, the Dom would tailor their approach to each submissive, depending upon what they each individually needed.
You have to understand that the key to how a Dom works - is their submissive:
-The submissive is the lock,
- The Dom is the key.
The submissive is the one that holds the energy and the power, but relinquishes it to the Dom - the Dom executes it.
Being a good Dom can be EXTEMELY HARD, COMPLICATED and EXHAUSTING.
Ultimately - its about CARE.
Mind you, there are prolly 10 fake doms out there, to every true Dom.
And i must add:
- that every D/s dynamic is different.
- that many people go into this without learning and it often ends up very m/s instead, (which is good if thats how those two work), but han be HIGHLY damaging to the submissive.
There are cases where naive submissives have gotten severe trauma from ignorant doms.
Also - for some its a lifestyle, for some its just sexual....so theres that difference as well.
Edit: im also going to add that this is an EXCEEDINGLY misunderstood kink.
People hear of Doms and think leather, chains, whips etc.
The thing is, is that this is deep psychological stuff.
Some Doms aren't even sexual - there are such D/s relationships where sex isnt a factor, its about the bond, the trust, the mentality of it.
If you are interested in this topic, i REALLY suggest you do some research.
Go to forums, read, ask questions, check out podcasts and blogs on it.
Asking what a Dom is, is very much like asking what food is .....there are so many types, flavours, and strengths.
If you are wanting one, be aware that it can be a tedious process finding the perfect key for your particular lock.
Sometimes its just a matter of communcation, sometimes its a matter of finding the right person.
But if you get it right, you will know yourself better, and feel more comfortable in your skin than you ever have .
popmol · 26-30, M
@OogieBoogie fake and sadistic seems to be the majority!
i see so a guiding hand they must be!
well if its like this i can understand it being exhausting!
it seems there is much to learn about this topic that i don't know.
i see so a guiding hand they must be!
well if its like this i can understand it being exhausting!
it seems there is much to learn about this topic that i don't know.
OogieBoogie · F
@popmol sorry, i added a bit more before i saw your reply.v
There is an UNENDING amount to learn !
In fact.....in this dynamic - learning never stops.
We are talking psychology, mental association, often some degree of trauma or early aberration in cognitive processing, (on both sides), trust, subconscious, expression, and deep truths here.
We often have an image of ourselves, but rarely is that image actually what you are.
Plus - as its a journey - some people start off a Dom or a sub, and can often discover they are a switch, or even the opposite of what they thought they originally were.
The D/s dynamic is a never ending jounrney of discovery and learning about self.
There is an UNENDING amount to learn !
In fact.....in this dynamic - learning never stops.
We are talking psychology, mental association, often some degree of trauma or early aberration in cognitive processing, (on both sides), trust, subconscious, expression, and deep truths here.
We often have an image of ourselves, but rarely is that image actually what you are.
Plus - as its a journey - some people start off a Dom or a sub, and can often discover they are a switch, or even the opposite of what they thought they originally were.
The D/s dynamic is a never ending jounrney of discovery and learning about self.
popmol · 26-30, M
@OogieBoogie well i know it can be more psychological. i mean there are kinks that i would like to try but for those i require as much trust as i would put into the hands of close family members! like i'm not doing that with just anyone!
i want to do it but finding someone to be a dom seems like an impossible task!
i want to do it but finding someone to be a dom seems like an impossible task!
OogieBoogie · F
@popmol it is honestly very hard to find the perfect match.
But.....in the mean time, i do TRULY recommend learing.
Like i said, there are forums and chat rooms on this topic, that you can join to ask questions, read about others, and have all those discussions that youve prolly wanted to have.
In fact doing that with the aim to learn is WAY BETTER, than joining to look for a partner - you learn more with less emotional risk.
I truly recommend looking around. The internet is an amazing place.
But.....in the mean time, i do TRULY recommend learing.
Like i said, there are forums and chat rooms on this topic, that you can join to ask questions, read about others, and have all those discussions that youve prolly wanted to have.
In fact doing that with the aim to learn is WAY BETTER, than joining to look for a partner - you learn more with less emotional risk.
I truly recommend looking around. The internet is an amazing place.
popmol · 26-30, M
@OogieBoogie well i know the place fetlife! someone here once advertized me to the website :p
i made a life long friend there but besides that i really haven't explored it well 😂
i made a life long friend there but besides that i really haven't explored it well 😂
OogieBoogie · F
@popmol maybe type in BDSM websites ?
These will have lots of topics, but thr DS in Bdsm stands for Dominant and Submissive .
There are also Bdsm dating sites, but i wouldn't reccomend those until you know a lot more.
Make sure, (if ever in your future, you do decide to try that type of dating), you know about 'contracts' and 'aftercare'.
Many people dont know of these, and they are CRUICAL to any session or meetup.
This shit isnt a game.
You dont go "Ooh, i wanna try this" amd just jump in.
Its deeply psychological - so it can be freeing ,....or highly damamging .
Like i said, there are many dimdoms out tjere who can really fuck over a submissive. (Some have suicided - its incredibly sad).
And if a Dom EVER says they need to 'break you to remake you" , (or anything similar),
.....RUN.
These will have lots of topics, but thr DS in Bdsm stands for Dominant and Submissive .
There are also Bdsm dating sites, but i wouldn't reccomend those until you know a lot more.
Make sure, (if ever in your future, you do decide to try that type of dating), you know about 'contracts' and 'aftercare'.
Many people dont know of these, and they are CRUICAL to any session or meetup.
This shit isnt a game.
You dont go "Ooh, i wanna try this" amd just jump in.
Its deeply psychological - so it can be freeing ,....or highly damamging .
Like i said, there are many dimdoms out tjere who can really fuck over a submissive. (Some have suicided - its incredibly sad).
And if a Dom EVER says they need to 'break you to remake you" , (or anything similar),
.....RUN.
popmol · 26-30, M
@OogieBoogie do you know fetlife?
well yeah aren't contracts things like the rules set up behind the scene, what isn't allowed what is, safe words and such?
aftercare, if i get my ass beat for fun there better be some aftercare afterwards!
haha don't worry i might hate myself but i have high self preservation instinct!
well yeah aren't contracts things like the rules set up behind the scene, what isn't allowed what is, safe words and such?
aftercare, if i get my ass beat for fun there better be some aftercare afterwards!
haha don't worry i might hate myself but i have high self preservation instinct!
OogieBoogie · F
@popmol contract -pretty much.
Aftercare is more psychological: after every 'up', (or 'opening up'), there will be a down.
Sometimes it can trigger emotional stuff afterwards.
Sometimes after being that openly bare to ones inner nature it can leave you fragile, scared, embarrassed.... any numner of things.
There needs to be a transition time allowed for coming out of a session ....with support.
Its also an excellent time to talk about the session, and feelings, ideas, what worked and what didn't.
Aftercare is more psychological: after every 'up', (or 'opening up'), there will be a down.
Sometimes it can trigger emotional stuff afterwards.
Sometimes after being that openly bare to ones inner nature it can leave you fragile, scared, embarrassed.... any numner of things.
There needs to be a transition time allowed for coming out of a session ....with support.
Its also an excellent time to talk about the session, and feelings, ideas, what worked and what didn't.
popmol · 26-30, M
@OogieBoogie that's what i meant! :p but yes after care is nice and a must!
ooh i see that makes sense!
ooh i see that makes sense!