I am hyper independent and I'm not sorry.

I'm aware it's not healthy in ways, but I also suffered so much alone when I asked for the minimum of humanity... So how bad is it really, that I know how to survive?

I held out hope for years. I did my best to deserve love and acceptance, and people still turned their backs. It didn't matter how much I did, how little I asked, how beautiful I was, how genuine or kind. It didn't matter. I kept attracting people who used me, then other's only advice was that it's my own fault. That I have no self worth.

Nobody knows me. Nobody sees me. I make my way on my own. It's too hard, it's not fair, it is a battle I can't win every day, but I persist.

I'm so strong, the assumptions and advice of others only drag me down. I'm not some depressive slob, I don't hate myself or my life...

I just wanted love and acceptance. I wanted a family, a modest life, lots of laughter and a little adventure.

I tried, I didn't try, what I found was people don't want to deal with me in any capacity. I'm not a complete package. I'm not healed. I don't have enough value.

Cool. People can think what they want. Just don't stand in my way. Sometimes I stand in my own way, I'm not always brave. Sometimes I want to be held and to feel safe even for a minute. But I'll never think less of myself because I survived.

I'll be 41 in a few days. It's scary. This is the second half of my life and it's rough. Definitely not the life I thought I'd have 😂 but it's been fun. I didn't mean to be a loner. I think that's partly due to changes in society, partly my inability to reach out anymore.

I just know I gotta keep going. And there must be something out there for me. Even if it's not the love and safety I always dreamed of, I believe it's something good still.