You are obsessed with judging yourself.
Understandable.
This is a nasty and judgemental world. You've internalised bullying and it's given you a deep self-loathing. I've been there. It's at least as much a problem with them as it is with you. Society is fucked and irrational, Sorry if this sounds glib but this is kind of why the 40K universe is such a compelling dystopian fantasy. I could write an essay to explain why but I'm sure I don't need to. I have issues myself but maybe I can help. PM me any time.