I Battle Depression

Probably nobody would ever read this, but I think that writing about my thoughts right now will make me feel a little better. I don't remember when it first started, but what I do know is that I am battling with depression right now. I can't even remember the feeling of long-term happiness, which probably will I never feel again.

I am 21, and will be turning 22 this year. I am working on a fairly reputable company. I have worked and resigned on about 3 companies now, just because I wasn't happy with what I am doing. Everyday is a routine for me. I wake up at 6 AM, eat breakfast, go to work, eat lunch, go work again, go home, surf the internet till I go to sleep. My life is pretty pathetic. At night, all what I can think of is being alone and all the mistakes that I ever did in the past, but mostly, the things that "could have been". When I have nothing to do, I would think to myself, what if I actually did good when I was studying, what if I was smart, what if I was beautiful, what if I still have a lot of friends, and all the other what ifs. Everything I see, everything I do, everything that ever happens to me, I see it all as crap. I hated everything, including myself.

I would also think of ending my life, but I am too scared to die, which is to me is the most pathetic thing in the world. If only I could have one wish in this life, I wish I was never born. I feel dying everyday and it starts with the inside which is making me crazy. I tend to be depressed on the littlest things, like when my co-workers are getting ahead of me and I am left behind when I am not even trying.

I made a lot of friends on my childhood but I couldn't keep them. I never made friends in college, and I tend to flunk a lot which makes me even more sad, despite of not really trying so hard..because I am always too scared to try. I don't know what's really wrong with me, nor do I know where the source of this depression is. I wouldn't dare to speak about this to my doctors and my family. When I tell my problems to my family, it's a: They won't listen and care at all, b: tell me I need Christ and all that. Medication is expensive, and I don't want all the money that I am earning to just be on my meds. I am a breadwinner of the family.

I have happy thoughts too...well at least I have a few. It brings me temporary happiness when I buy my family whatever they want, so I am doing my best to keep a job. It brings me temporary happiness to think of me being a doctor. See, when I was in college (the last quarter), I changed my mind and I decided that I want to be a doctor. I want to be a surgeon. But I have doubts that my dream for myself won't come true due to financial issues.

To cope right now, I study different languages, and sometimes read and study books about medicine. Other than that, I don't know what else to do. I just want to be happy. I just want to be free and live my life, after all, I will die eventually. I never wrote a blog nor opened up with anyone in my life. As I am ending this post, I feel a little better and my chest is a little lighter...If you are reading this, depression victim or not I have one thing to say, be happy, even if you can't.