I Battle Depression
Depression is super difficult to contain - and I assume that's similar for depression that's brought on by anything. I have been recovering from a morphine addiction (and short term heroin, but that's because of the lack in the recovery system; I also had an opiate addiction issue many years ago with more than an 8 year hiatus - during which I went back to college and earned a degree) by going through a methadone maintenance program.
The methadone maintenance program has been both a godsend and a cross to bear; respectively, for my personal health and well-being, and my reputation and the assumptions of our culture.
I almost talked myself out of writing this post at least 3 times - and other times I have been successful in convincing myself not to do it. I worry people will not understand, because they assume so much about certain drugs.
I'm a nice guy. I'm an honest guy. Even if I don't know you, and for some crazy reason you had to say, "I'll be right back in 2 minutes, PLEASE, hold my wallet and phone." I would be waiting there when you returned after 12 minutes, and I'd call your Mom on your phone if you didn't return.
I have been that same guy while both being a junkie and being completely sober. I don't use the chemical to get away from my morals, I use it to get away from my personal pain (not usually physical, but physical as well). I was very well-received by everyone while I was using - unless I was using to an extreme. Everyone, when using to an extreme, will be passing out and that's always uncomfortable for other people. But, if you use within a tolerance, which someone who uses frequently for years does; you can go completely unnoticed in normal life.
But it's so easy to go off the rails. I have really struggled, and I think part of it is the natural side-effect of decreasing in the dose.
(Side note - I heard neighbor's arguing and their little boy start to wander away, trying to play - so I ran outside to give him some fun instead of dealing with the drama. He's such a cool lil guy - he's like 3 or less...)
If I see someone give me the finger in traffic, it can make me start to go in a depressive phase. Or if a person in my life says something, or I even misinterpret them saying something or not saying it! It's literally insane how much I go over my own actions and those of others and replay and evaluate them in my head.
It's just so hard because you're always battling to have a perfect life - within an imperfect one.
I don't know, that probably wasn't a very helpful explanation.
I also am super bummed out about my motorcycle being stolen. I'm sure that's playing into it. Super disappointing that insurance only is really insurance if you pay for the fanciest - which people usually only do if they have loans on their vehicles... Kinda strange right?
The methadone maintenance program has been both a godsend and a cross to bear; respectively, for my personal health and well-being, and my reputation and the assumptions of our culture.
I almost talked myself out of writing this post at least 3 times - and other times I have been successful in convincing myself not to do it. I worry people will not understand, because they assume so much about certain drugs.
I'm a nice guy. I'm an honest guy. Even if I don't know you, and for some crazy reason you had to say, "I'll be right back in 2 minutes, PLEASE, hold my wallet and phone." I would be waiting there when you returned after 12 minutes, and I'd call your Mom on your phone if you didn't return.
I have been that same guy while both being a junkie and being completely sober. I don't use the chemical to get away from my morals, I use it to get away from my personal pain (not usually physical, but physical as well). I was very well-received by everyone while I was using - unless I was using to an extreme. Everyone, when using to an extreme, will be passing out and that's always uncomfortable for other people. But, if you use within a tolerance, which someone who uses frequently for years does; you can go completely unnoticed in normal life.
But it's so easy to go off the rails. I have really struggled, and I think part of it is the natural side-effect of decreasing in the dose.
(Side note - I heard neighbor's arguing and their little boy start to wander away, trying to play - so I ran outside to give him some fun instead of dealing with the drama. He's such a cool lil guy - he's like 3 or less...)
If I see someone give me the finger in traffic, it can make me start to go in a depressive phase. Or if a person in my life says something, or I even misinterpret them saying something or not saying it! It's literally insane how much I go over my own actions and those of others and replay and evaluate them in my head.
It's just so hard because you're always battling to have a perfect life - within an imperfect one.
I don't know, that probably wasn't a very helpful explanation.
I also am super bummed out about my motorcycle being stolen. I'm sure that's playing into it. Super disappointing that insurance only is really insurance if you pay for the fanciest - which people usually only do if they have loans on their vehicles... Kinda strange right?
