I Battle Depression

Depression is super difficult to contain - and I assume that's similar for depression that's brought on by anything. I have been recovering from a morphine addiction (and short term heroin, but that's because of the lack in the recovery system; I also had an opiate addiction issue many years ago with more than an 8 year hiatus - during which I went back to college and earned a degree) by going through a methadone maintenance program.

The methadone maintenance program has been both a godsend and a cross to bear; respectively, for my personal health and well-being, and my reputation and the assumptions of our culture.
I almost talked myself out of writing this post at least 3 times - and other times I have been successful in convincing myself not to do it. I worry people will not understand, because they assume so much about certain drugs.

I'm a nice guy. I'm an honest guy. Even if I don't know you, and for some crazy reason you had to say, "I'll be right back in 2 minutes, PLEASE, hold my wallet and phone." I would be waiting there when you returned after 12 minutes, and I'd call your Mom on your phone if you didn't return.
I have been that same guy while both being a junkie and being completely sober. I don't use the chemical to get away from my morals, I use it to get away from my personal pain (not usually physical, but physical as well). I was very well-received by everyone while I was using - unless I was using to an extreme. Everyone, when using to an extreme, will be passing out and that's always uncomfortable for other people. But, if you use within a tolerance, which someone who uses frequently for years does; you can go completely unnoticed in normal life.

But it's so easy to go off the rails. I have really struggled, and I think part of it is the natural side-effect of decreasing in the dose.

(Side note - I heard neighbor's arguing and their little boy start to wander away, trying to play - so I ran outside to give him some fun instead of dealing with the drama. He's such a cool lil guy - he's like 3 or less...)

If I see someone give me the finger in traffic, it can make me start to go in a depressive phase. Or if a person in my life says something, or I even misinterpret them saying something or not saying it! It's literally insane how much I go over my own actions and those of others and replay and evaluate them in my head.

It's just so hard because you're always battling to have a perfect life - within an imperfect one.

I don't know, that probably wasn't a very helpful explanation.

I also am super bummed out about my motorcycle being stolen. I'm sure that's playing into it. Super disappointing that insurance only is really insurance if you pay for the fanciest - which people usually only do if they have loans on their vehicles... Kinda strange right?

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SW-User

ive battle depression for about a decade now. comes and goes like a wave.. really bad 3 years ago. almost took my life several times. so much pain and self hatred.. met someone online that helped me out of it.. she betrayed me eventually. lied a lot about herself and was manipulative.. but she got me out of that depression made me feel happy for a while. sometimes it takes something to help push us out from the depths of despair. it hurts i lost the friend especially the circumstances and how she treated me for finding out her real motives.. she needs help. but its better sweet because if i didnt have met her i might have been dead.

iQuit · F

Life in itself always has its dips somewhere along the line
but it's hopeful to have it's silver-lining -even if it may seem bleak at times

Fingers crossed things turn for the better and you find yourself out of depression- for that is something conceivably dark in itself that hinders optimal visions of good that lay in the corners of life

LEXUS46 · 56-60, F

I'm glad you shared this. I'm a wife of a husband that has a Hydrocodone addiction that has lead to chronic deceitfulness and lies after lies.

I'm at my wits end and finally entertaining leaving- even though it will affect my pocketbook greatly.

Thanks for sharing

Tvxhed · 41-45, M

@LEXUS46 this is a difficult situation to reply to properly... in my experience, which is likely different than yours, I have felt like their are mostly two types of people - those that accept and help and those that reject and do not. It is very rare for one person to move into a different category without severe reasons.
You mention series of lies and deceit - and I know nothing of any of them. My advice for such a blanket situation is to try to put yourself in his shoes, and ask him to do the same when he's making decisions he knows you will not approve of him making. If you share that message with him when you're both being friendly and receptive then he will remember it at other times, whether or not he FOLLOWS it is another topic.
You win more with honey than you do with vinegar. If you're thinking of using and a person who is sweet to you and kind to your constantly, I know I would be much less willing to use; contrasted with the situation where someone has been nagging or bitching at me.
Complaining at people makes them defensive and builds tension.
This is a problem for him too, not just one for you. Albeit it's ONLY a problem for you, not a coping mechanism, so you do not see the "value" in the substance or addiction.

I'm not saying he likes it, but at this point he's become TRAPPED and it's a difficult trap from which to find your way out.

Feel encouraged to message me with more private details if you want sincere and more specific advice. There ARE LIMITS. This is HIS PROBLEM and you choosing to help is a blessing and that is solely dependent upon your relationship. He might have been your knight in shining armor earlier in life and together you may have built some beautiful existence. His addiction now and the difficulties now do not erase that dedication and loyalty he provided and you provided. Don't throw that away.

On the other hand if he's never been anything but trouble... you cannot solve his problem for him. Even if he HAS been a blessing you cannot do it for him. This is a battle you can only be a sidekick in, not a main contender. Having a sidekick can be the difference between success and failure though.

I sincerely wish you the best.

ChubsFlannigan · 70-79, M

So sorry that you are having such a tough time. Of I knew you personally, I would try to help. I hope you have someone in your life who can help you stand firm against the depression.

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