You're the only one who has to understand it. The Wikipedia article on the triune brain is a good starting point. Although the triune model has passed out of vogue, the basic concept of the three stages of brain evolution, the reptilian, limbic and neocortical areas, is still a useful model for understanding the kind of dilemma you are in. The parts of your brain that are telling you to give up and die are coming from more primitive areas of your brain. They make no sense because they are not coming from the neocortex, which is where sense is made. Your situation is somewhat analogous to a phobia, a completely irrational response to a harmless situation. However, your case is much more dangerous. If these primitive regions of your brain are convinced that your best course of action is to kill yourself, then you surely will do just that. They are more powerful in determining choices and behavior than your rational mind. You need immediate professional help. At the very least you need anti-anxiety medications such as Lorazipam. See a doctor tomorrow, or you will leave a lot of people you love grieving without a clue of why you made your tragic choice. Best wishes to you.

Sometimes I think depression is a physical illness as much as it is a pychological and emotional one. Have you sought out therapy? I'm finding the more I speak what is on my mind the more it can be released gradually. Even with help it doesn't get better overnight. It is something you have to fight. Sometimes with all your strength. Don't give up hope and succumb to it. Your friends and family need you. We all have a purpose in this life, something special only you can offer and world wouldn't be the same without you. I will be praying for you friend. Peace be unto you.

What's kept you around this long? Anything cause the increase in apathy or has this been building steadily?

Please never give up on life.I am just here if you need comfort

There are people who understand we may not be family or friends but we do understand. Only others that suffer from depression can truly know what it is like. I have some questions to ask you but I would prefer not to do it in the open. May I pm you?

Unfortunately no they won't but I'm sure if you tell at least one of them what's going on it will be better. Funny enough the best way to get rid of sadness is too embrace it. It's alright to fell sad. Just don't die. Best of luck to you. I really mean that.