I Am Depressed

I'm in a terrible place right now. Suicide seems like the best option the more it invades my mind and the more I dwell on my life. I have nobody to talk to and a boyfriend who is too good to be brought down by me. It breaks my heart knowing he's settling. I know he's the one and he loves me too but I find myself wanting to leave him so he has a better life. It would make suicide easier. Only I do not want to die. I want a future with this man and I want my life to be in a better place. Everything just seems so hopeless when treatments won't work and it begins to affect all areas of your life. I wish I wasn't broken and I wish I could be a better me.

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SW-User

whats been making you feel down

Ginkofishin · 26-30, F

@SW-User Aside from just the depression in general, financial and job strain, puppy training going wrong, lonely and shut in my own home, and feeling inadequate in my relationship.

SW-User

i know how depression is.. makes you hate yourself.. dealt with it for around a decade.. as for my job i do farm work i work 7 days a week. puppy training can be stressful at first. it takes time and patience. lonely i know that one all too well always been on my own.. never dated. im really introverted. well i hope you get to see how special you are if that guy is with you and is a decent human kind of means he seeing things about you that you are over looking.

Ginkofishin · 26-30, F

You're probably right.
It's just hard, you know? I've also got anxiety and mild ptsd from an abusive past relationship that found a way to help ruin my life along with the depression. I've tried to keep my head up but it feels like the more I try the harder it pushes back.
7 days a week sounds rough, but I've always wanted to do farm work.

SW-User

i was heavily bullied growing up. so that was hard to let go of when people are so cruel to you. it ruins your mindset.

Ginkofishin · 26-30, F

@SW-User Grew up with abusive parents myself, and was the outcast until high school. I was lucky enough to not be bullied at school too bad but home was never safe. I understand your pain. I'm still trying to reprogram my brain from thinking I'm stupid and should be ashamed after I fail even the smallest task.

SW-User

my home life my parents never got along.. grew up in a house where my parents were constantly screaming at each other. almost divorced 6 times