There have been so many deaths and loss of people and animals over the years. Parents, brother, sister, countless other losses.. The longer we live the more we have. Although affected they didn't really shatter me, I don't shatter easily. But the one that did, was someone I loved deeply, who decided to walk away like I meant nothing and was disposable.

The auto accident that took my husband and our son. I was young, working late, it was close to Christmas and we were going to have dinner and do a little shopping. I was waiting for them to pick me up. The security guard, who was a friend, phoned my desk and told me my mother and middle sister were waiting for me downstairs. I went down. Mom’s face was expressionless, but my sister had obviously been crying. I remember thinking it had to be really bad news. 😞

The moment that shattered me and changed me forever?

There wasn’t just one — it was a series of blows that came before I even had time to breathe between them.

When I was 20, I found my mum after she tried to take her own life. That moment cracked something in me wide open.
Last year my younger sister was diagnosed with ME/CFS — a chronic illness with no cure, no clear path forward. Watching someone you love disappear into unbelievable pain is its own kind of heartbreak.

And then, when I thought I had a safe place to land, my partner ended our relationship during a fight. No kindness, no closure — just a slammed door and the immediate need to leave the home we shared.

Each of these moments took something from me.
And yet — somehow — something else remained.
A quiet strength. Something raw and wordless, like a flame that refused to go out, even in the dark.

But fuck, it’s tough.
Healing isn’t pretty. Grief doesn’t follow rules.
But I’m still here. Still standing. Still becoming.

Our house burned down on my 7th birthday, destroying everything, but we were safe. I had a big party the day before with lots of gifts, all lost. It was a shattering experience, but it soon dawned on me how unimportant material things were and how vital friends can be.

When I was living in a big city working a computer company and I worked in the customer repair center. So I work on peoples and corporations computers.

This is going back decades. Everyone still had dial-up Internet Windows 95/98 and XP and Macintosh computers where big at the time.

Google was the new kid on the block. Big software giant we know today. Was never innocent. Back then when they were started out. They would use embedded software code like a virus would. Google would collect every bit of data it could on that computer.

I mean every little dirty little picture, movie, owner name, company documents, or whatever. Google would make text file copy of the data code. You know the classic zeros and ones computer language.

It would compact a megabytes (Gigabyte hard drives were not out yet) of hard drive space in a kilobytes space of text file and send it to google HQ.

Found this out when I work service.

Google does the same thing with cellphones and much more advanced now.

And people wonder why I hate Google so much. They sold our data to the highest bidder. Governments paid a lot of money for that data.

I was shattered over time, guess I just got used to it, until I couldn’t anymore and started working within.

The pain was the best gift I was given. 🥰

When my parents died in a car crash but i survived.

Losing my daughter. my whole life changed

When my husband helped his friend rape me.

When they both slept I left with a few things in a Tesco carrier bag and never looked back.

When I was 7 and my family left the Baptist church for the Presbyterian church and the Baptist preacher condemned my father and our entire family to Hell. I had a nervous breakdown over it. But it awakened me to the evils of religion.

Realising that I don't know who I'm married to.. That everything is fake, my husband's a narcissist and a malignant one at that.. It's quite a mind bending thing to realise that everything was abuse and about control, everything's fake, and the amount of times he's cheated on me, the smear campaigning against me that's been going on for the entirety of our relationship and the pathological lying, that his plan is to ruin me completely and then some.. He's nothing short of demonic.. But it's all been done in a way, that it's likely that many won't believe me

When my sister died because of me.

My dad passing away from esophageal cancer the day after my birthday 💔😢😢😢😢

My mother’s demise.

A miscarriage.

Having a still birth.

A 3 month engagement back in 2011. I will stay single for the rest of my life.

Two things
1. My Father dying
2. I won't talk about it

When an evil old elder in my families cult told me my mum now hated me. I cried and asked her if it was true and she said it was and said she disowned me.

When she betrayed me

Shattered and forever? I guess my sometime hasn't yet arrived.

The day I brought an ocean of tears to her eyes that I couldn’t stem.