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The World's Worst Fortune Teller

Make up a short impractical funny story about a character that plays the world's worst fortune teller. What ridiculous predictions do they make?

Have fun and please use your imagination
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WillaKissing · 56-60, M Best Comment
Putting lead into your diet and meeting Jesus!

On one late night while home alone on my farm I was awakened by the sound of breaking glass. I grabbed my trusty gun and proceeded into the room where I heard the breaking glass with Jesus on my side. There in my living room stood three burglars. I flipped on the light switch and told them to freeze and stay right there as I call the Sheriff and if one of them moved two would soon feel a sharp burning feeling and that I would pray to Jesus over them, and that the third would meet up with Jesus my 130-pound Rottweiler's choosing and would soon after meet Jesus in heaven. Seconds later I hear one of the burglars to say, "How can you tell that is our fortune tonight old man." I said Jesus's attack word as I summoned the gun out of its silent state.

I shared this with the Sheriff as they bagged the three bodies, and the Sheriff quizzically asked me if I got hungry with the last one, and I told him, "Why no Jesus was willing to maul over that one for me". He looked me in the eye weirdly as I cracked open my bedroom/bible door so he could see Jesus himself but not the way the burglars had, and he said, "Enough please close your bible door/bedroom door please.
HumanEarth · F
You win
WillaKissing · 56-60, M
@HumanEarth Thank you for Best Comment!
I edited this story too late night sleep typing, oops.

HumanEarth · F
Ahhh… come closer, my child. I see you doubts with the internet I see. The winds of change swirl around you… I see it clearly this Internet thing is fad. On-line shopping, while entirely feasible, will flop, because crossdressers and transgendered like to get out of the house, like to handle the merchandise, like to be able to change their minds in person. No building could hold them inside.

The Candlelight tells your furture in tge flames and flickers with your energy. You must open invest bomb shelters, typewriters, carbon paper and you opening up a chain of carburetor shops to build your empire.

Every glimpse into the beyond requires a small offering… the spirits are generous, but they must be honored.
LordBarbossa · 36-40, T
*looks into the crystal ball*
I see you will be scammed out of a small amount of money very soon!
*Looks up at you*
That'll be 20 bucks, please.
HumanEarth · F
You didn't try very hard
LordBarbossa · 36-40, T
@HumanEarth made you laugh tho

 
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