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At one point in life, while coping with loss and loneliness, I tried to perfect detachment.

I tried to embrace how temporary everything is. Life, love, everything. And now I find my heart aching for those feelings of freedom. That were ironically, in themselves, also temporary.

Nothing stays. Nothing. Not for me.

I admit I am jealous of people who have committed relationships, job security, family and friends who have their backs. There is so much I can't have or create no matter how hard I try. Having no one but my son has put me in a strange echelon of nowhere I can't navigate from.

I have little hope left, just endless mountains to climb. No peace in the valley. I'm on duty 24/7. No proper rest.

It's affected me greatly and cost me dearly. This has trickled down to my son and affected him negatively.

I have more that I'm trying. But it's relentless with obstacles and I can't commit to anything fully because I'm being pulled in five directions at once. I feel like I used to be smart, focused, witty and curious, but the constant draining and pulling has made me dull and uncaring.

In a way, I have accepted defeat. And that scares me so much.

I watched my parents give up. I watched my ex husband/son's father give up. I watched my family give up. I watched my friends and employers give up...

On me.

It's hard to keep going some days. The physical pain that has manifested from PTSD, grieving and struggling, courses through my body all day, every day. Reminding me I'm pushing way beyond my limits and I will pay for this assault on my body with nightmare filled sleep.

I am a loser. Not in a way that impacts my worth. Not in a way that will cause me to give up. Just, plainly, clearly, I have lost and will lose over and over.

I am a loser who just won't quit.

Partly because I refuse to take accountability for the effed up society we all live in. Mostly because I will fight for my son with all I have until it ends me. I will die alone.

I wish I could of been better. I really really wish things didn't turn out how they did. I did all the things I was supposed to, I gave my all and then some for my education, my family and friends. But it didn't matter. It wasn't enough. I made the wrong choices. I don't even care at this point.

I am so strong it always hurts. I am so brave I am alone. But this isn't what I wanted. This isn't what I worked towards. But it's what I got. I try not to compare myself to others, I know I don't have it the worst, I just, I tried to deserve more than this shite.
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Livingwell · 61-69, M
Please don't give up. It feels like you are trying to place the blame and shortcomings of everything on yourself. That is not fair to you. When I divorced, my counselor said I could not take any less than 48% and any more than 51% of the blame. It takes two. It seems you understand the concept of you get out what you put in to something. You give your all. Other people many times take the easy way out and give up. They don't put in anywhere near what you do. And that's on them, not you. It also feels like you were not dealt a nice set of cards in life which makes your struggles even harder. But that isn't your fault either. You are strong. You are beautiful- I've seen your picture. You are very smart. You are incredibly determined. All you need is someone with the same mindset as a friend. They will help you past obstacles and together you will be happy. Some don't believe it but everyone deserves a chance at happiness. Friends here and in real life can help validate and give you assurance. But please don't give up. Life is full of surprises. And you have earned the right to be happy. 🤗
Livingwell · 61-69, M
@ScreamingFox You will find that path. I believe in your strength. 🤗🤗🤗
Bleed · 41-45, F
@ScreamingFox I wish I could heart this twice. You’ll find the energy. When you’re a single mum you always do x
ScreamingFox · 41-45, F
@Bleed Always 🖤
You are no loser. You are a fighter. I know its hard trying to keep oneness with yourself, especially when so many around you just take and take until you feel like you have nothing left inside.

I will always have to take care of my daughter. She is my priority. If i don't make her the priority who will? At the same time, a lonliness because I know it will just be me. Always. Your fight is an inspiration to me. Please don't ever lose that
ScreamingFox · 41-45, F
@Bexsy And your fight is an inspiration to me.

If I was in your world, I would care for your daughter too. I wish you didn't feel like you had to be alone, but also, you know better than anyone your sacrifices.

What I really want to say is you deserve others at your side. You're a beautiful person and your daughter is a blessing, you are package deal anyone should be happy to welcome and keep.
@ScreamingFox 🖤 I can't seem to form words now, but thank you, lovely
Bang5luts · M
I can relate. I usually only skim long posts. I'm sorry to all those whom I have skimmed. This post really hit home with me in a lot of ways.

I am glad you recognize your selfworth is intact because you have sold out our done "Anything for love" I imagine.

But it is detrimental to our free soul and spirit to be loved and to love openly without fear or without limits. I envy others as well sometimes.

I don't know if I'll ever find allele either. Until then there's always sw and cheesecake
Thank you for sharing your deepest
Bleed · 41-45, F
I tread a very similar path. My youngest is now 17 so it gives me the freedom to go out and enjoy some time to myself doing the things that make me happy. It’s hard when all you do is give and get nothing in return.
ScreamingFox · 41-45, F
@Bleed That gives me a glimmer of hope. Not that I want my son to grow up faster, but that one day I'll have my mind and body back, I can feel like my own person again.

Thank you 🖤
First off, I thank you for baring yourself to us. Secondly, I can't overlook that despite your proclamation of being a loser you will never give up fighting for your son. Of course the bit where you say you're a loser who won't quit says you have more resilience than most people claim to have but the fact that you won't give up fighting for your son makes you nothing close to a loser in my eyes and in the eyes of many.
Taking into consideration I am a random guy on the internet, and all that comes with that, I want you to know you have my admiration.
@ScreamingFox When you say you have to accept it tells me, based on your outpouring here, that you will prep yourself and show more resilience, possibly more than you thought you had within you.
ScreamingFox · 41-45, F
@onrealityofdreams I don't know how I keep going. I'm used to pushing. I do pass out sometimes, which is scary. I just keep going.
@ScreamingFox When you say pass out do you mean actually pass out or just rest?
Fertilization · 36-40, F
Gratitude grows when we shift our focus to those who struggle more than we do.
ScreamingFox · 41-45, F
@Fertilization I don't prefer to look at the world that way. My gratitude comes from my heart, knowing who I am and caring about others.
Fertilization · 36-40, F
@ScreamingFox That’s a beautiful way to look at it. I totally respect that. For me, reminding myself of what others go through helps me stay grounded — but I agree, genuine gratitude always starts from within.
squishylemon · 26-30, F
You write how I feel very eloquently. Please never give up
DearAmbellina2113 · 41-45, F
You and I are so alike it's scary
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DearAmbellina2113 · 41-45, F
@ScreamingFox right back at you!!
Pretzel · 70-79, M
You might be surprised how many people you just spoke for
ScreamingFox · 41-45, F
@Pretzel I know I'm not alone in these feelings 😞
Pretzel · 70-79, M
@ScreamingFox hugs😘
Bang5luts · M
My favorite post of the day so far

 
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