At one point in life, while coping with loss and loneliness, I tried to perfect detachment.
I tried to embrace how temporary everything is. Life, love, everything. And now I find my heart aching for those feelings of freedom. That were ironically, in themselves, also temporary.
Nothing stays. Nothing. Not for me.
I admit I am jealous of people who have committed relationships, job security, family and friends who have their backs. There is so much I can't have or create no matter how hard I try. Having no one but my son has put me in a strange echelon of nowhere I can't navigate from.
I have little hope left, just endless mountains to climb. No peace in the valley. I'm on duty 24/7. No proper rest.
It's affected me greatly and cost me dearly. This has trickled down to my son and affected him negatively.
I have more that I'm trying. But it's relentless with obstacles and I can't commit to anything fully because I'm being pulled in five directions at once. I feel like I used to be smart, focused, witty and curious, but the constant draining and pulling has made me dull and uncaring.
In a way, I have accepted defeat. And that scares me so much.
I watched my parents give up. I watched my ex husband/son's father give up. I watched my family give up. I watched my friends and employers give up...
On me.
It's hard to keep going some days. The physical pain that has manifested from PTSD, grieving and struggling, courses through my body all day, every day. Reminding me I'm pushing way beyond my limits and I will pay for this assault on my body with nightmare filled sleep.
I am a loser. Not in a way that impacts my worth. Not in a way that will cause me to give up. Just, plainly, clearly, I have lost and will lose over and over.
I am a loser who just won't quit.
Partly because I refuse to take accountability for the effed up society we all live in. Mostly because I will fight for my son with all I have until it ends me. I will die alone.
I wish I could of been better. I really really wish things didn't turn out how they did. I did all the things I was supposed to, I gave my all and then some for my education, my family and friends. But it didn't matter. It wasn't enough. I made the wrong choices. I don't even care at this point.
I am so strong it always hurts. I am so brave I am alone. But this isn't what I wanted. This isn't what I worked towards. But it's what I got. I try not to compare myself to others, I know I don't have it the worst, I just, I tried to deserve more than this shite.
Nothing stays. Nothing. Not for me.
I admit I am jealous of people who have committed relationships, job security, family and friends who have their backs. There is so much I can't have or create no matter how hard I try. Having no one but my son has put me in a strange echelon of nowhere I can't navigate from.
I have little hope left, just endless mountains to climb. No peace in the valley. I'm on duty 24/7. No proper rest.
It's affected me greatly and cost me dearly. This has trickled down to my son and affected him negatively.
I have more that I'm trying. But it's relentless with obstacles and I can't commit to anything fully because I'm being pulled in five directions at once. I feel like I used to be smart, focused, witty and curious, but the constant draining and pulling has made me dull and uncaring.
In a way, I have accepted defeat. And that scares me so much.
I watched my parents give up. I watched my ex husband/son's father give up. I watched my family give up. I watched my friends and employers give up...
On me.
It's hard to keep going some days. The physical pain that has manifested from PTSD, grieving and struggling, courses through my body all day, every day. Reminding me I'm pushing way beyond my limits and I will pay for this assault on my body with nightmare filled sleep.
I am a loser. Not in a way that impacts my worth. Not in a way that will cause me to give up. Just, plainly, clearly, I have lost and will lose over and over.
I am a loser who just won't quit.
Partly because I refuse to take accountability for the effed up society we all live in. Mostly because I will fight for my son with all I have until it ends me. I will die alone.
I wish I could of been better. I really really wish things didn't turn out how they did. I did all the things I was supposed to, I gave my all and then some for my education, my family and friends. But it didn't matter. It wasn't enough. I made the wrong choices. I don't even care at this point.
I am so strong it always hurts. I am so brave I am alone. But this isn't what I wanted. This isn't what I worked towards. But it's what I got. I try not to compare myself to others, I know I don't have it the worst, I just, I tried to deserve more than this shite.
41-45, F
