I am in a similar situation. I have empathy for him but he has never done the right thing by me and he really does treat me poorly and is even abusive . People are like just leave ..... But I understand. It's something in us that lacks what we need to do so. I hope we can find better. 💛
@SpiritSkye I'm sorry 🖤 it's so hard and so shameful but I'm so tired of hiding it. I think they count on that shame. I wonder if they even care we're gone, but I think it's just about what we give.
Over the years there isn't one person that I know who hasn't gone through a version of this. Some were more intense or toxic, some were less. You're not alone.
Try not to over think it or punish yourself further. Do the best that you can every day, whatever that looks like for you. Stay here, today, let go of yesterday, tomorrow might not come. One day at a time won't feel so daunting. Be kind to yourself, you're the only one who will.
One can't replace someone or something without replacing it with something else.
Besides the wreckage that I was left with after, I think the hardest thing for me was that I had become a stranger to myself. I became someone who I didn't know. When I became ready, I first surrounded myself with those who remembered who I was, so I was reminded all the time. They held up a mirror for me.
I just read on a meme recently, *If it costs your Peace, it costs too Much* 🌺💜 I really liked it. I'm sorry for all you've been through. You don't deserve low treatment, you simply don't. 🫂And that takes away little pieces of our Self and our very Being, when we're treated that way. I know you said you still care, but it reminds me of another thing. Other day Tyler Perry was on a podcast and he said, 'I have several toxic family members. Ok you want to call me, ask me something, Ok. But you can't be in my life. I can't do it. You're toxic, and I won't do it ' That Really HIT for me...I feel guilty with certain people if I don't talk regularly with them, but they've treated ME really LOW. the thing that needs to be in place is our Self...our Peace 🌸
@Coralmist Tyler Perry is one of my favorite humans on the planet haha
Yeah I want that peace back. At times I even let the chaos in so I can visit it and try to understand why I'm allowing it. But I think it's just an addiction.
I wish both of us to find more honest loving people in our lives.
I hate to blame my current situation on my past, but I think you understand, when you grow up abused, you are so easily caught in that web. No matter how much self worth you have, you're willing to sacrifice it to be good to others. It's so twisted.
Thank you beautiful. Thank you for your kindness. I really appreciate you 🫂
@ScreamingFox Right, it's like when you're abused over time, you feel any scrap is something good. Something to be grateful for. But that's because our view on our true worth is distorted. Someone once said we act like a shred of kindness is something we should grapple over, and we cling to it, but authenticity and kindness is the BASELINE for human treatment🍀. I'm trying to truly remember that🪻I appreciate you as well friend 🌻
@Coralmist thank you for sharing that. I never thought of it like that. It has always felt like that's what I give but don't get and that's how life is
I certainly don't think less of you because you are sharing this. Emotions can be as powerful as any drug. Being tangled up with a person this way, it totally makes sense to me that you keep getting drawn back in. You don't need to be afraid to tell others about this. Certainly a good therapist would understand and be helpful. You need other friends. You are intelligent and interesting and generous so there surely are good people waiting to become e part of your life.
@ThePatientAnarchist Thank you. It's very hard for me to make friends because of my life right now. I'm pretty withdrawn and exhausted so I'm kind of a perfect target for him.
We have to break the cycle, we attract people who we are in the same frequency of our childhood wounds, so it feels familiar. It feels safe because that’s how you were brought up as a child, breadcrumbs of love that wasn’t unconditional.
You both have abandonment wounds and anxious types always attack the avoidant ones.
You have to heal from the past, forgive your parents, feel it, sit with it, understand that it’s a generational thing, your parents probably got the same from their parents and so on.
This is a good videos that explains how it happens, why you keep going back.
@Achelois I am working on healing the childhood wounds. I still can't decide if my parents passing young has helped me or hurt me to resolve those issues.
But you are right and I know how he makes me feel is that same sting knowing someone "loves" me, but they don't really care about me.
There are people like us— the ones who ache to be kind, not because the world is good, but because we believed we weren’t.
We were told we were too much. Too intense. Too angry. Too cold. Too hard to love. Too broken to stay.
So we made it our mission— not to be free, not to be powerful, but to be good.
We offered softness as proof we weren’t dangerous. We offered love as an apology. We bent until we broke, just to convince someone we were safe to keep.
But kindness isn’t supposed to hurt like this. It’s not supposed to leave you bleeding while they smile. It’s not supposed to get twisted into silence, or used as leverage by those who never intended to stay.
And if you’ve been there— if you’ve watched someone weaponize your softness to gain control, to dodge responsibility, to make you question your worth— then hear me now:
You weren’t wrong for being kind. You were just surrounded by people who didn’t deserve it.
They didn’t love your light. They fed off it.
And that’s not love. That’s drainage. That’s power theft disguised as intimacy.
But I promise you—there’s nothing wrong with you. Your need to be kind wasn’t weakness. It was a scar from all the times you were punished for being too real.
You were never the villain. You were the one still fighting to believe love didn’t have to hurt. You were the one still trying to build safety in a world that never gave it to you.
So if you feel like you’re drowning in your own goodness— like you’ve given too much, and now you’re empty— step back.
Your kindness is a gift, not a leash. You’re allowed to be soft and say no. You’re allowed to be good without being used. You’re allowed to protect yourself, and still call it love.
And if no one ever told you this before— I will.
You don’t have to prove you’re kind. You just have to stop letting people turn that kindness against you.
We are not broken for wanting to love. We are not weak for needing to be seen. But from now on— let them earn it.
And if they try to punish you for having a heart?
Walk away. Still kind. Still whole. Still free. That’s what being written in scars really means.
Kindness was never the weakness. It's the strength they'll never understand. This world tries to break what it can't control. It twists good hearts into doubt, silence, regret. But not here. Not anymore. You're not broken. You're built different. And nothing that tried to tear you down gets to define you. Thank you for standing up. Thank you for fighting without losing yourself. We aren't finished. We're just getting started. Written in scars.🖤
I completely understand. I always said my ex spouse was one of the kindest people I ever met. And yet it was manipulation mostly-I kept thinking that was a sign that I was loved. I truly think ending up in a position like this comes down to self esteem-they know it and so do you. The only way you’re going to get out of it is to put yourself first and suffer an inordinate amount of pain. But the pain is temporary and it passes. Lots of love xx
@SmoKin I hate that manipulation feels like caring but I know what you mean. He has broken down a lot of the self esteem I built up, but he can't touch my worth. Every time I leave, it's the pain that gets me, like he's my person but he makes me so anxious and unhappy. He's not my person. I don't even care if I have NO person, I just want to get away from him.
Thank you for the understanding and love. This support means everything right now. I have held in the truth about it because I expected people to tell me I'm an idiot. Just want love 🖤
@ScreamingFox it’s more common than you think. Once you make the break you will find people who have the same stories. Always around if you need an ear ok xx
@LunadelobosIAMTHEDRAGON I'm looking forward to time to heal. It's not like we're together or spend a lot of time together... It's like I'm almost there I just need to rip the bandaid off. Thank you 🫂 I feel weak though, I need to let him go.
How beautiful it is that you seek love and want to feel connection. That already tells me you want more for yourself, know you deserve more and have a sense of your worth. Leaving takes time. It’s okay it’s been 20 for you. You're learning how to choose you and there could never be shame in that. I wish you the very best. 💞
I was in something similar once, where the familiarity brought a sense of comfort even if the relationship itself didn't. It's hard to cut that string.
Anyone being negative towards you in the comments here are simply useless trolls. I know this may not be the best thing to say but I think your feelings are normal. We all need someone and if you have no one, you will go back to the closest thing you have to someone. The distance will help but you need to take that next step with the distance and push yourself to cut off the connection so he can't manipulate you from afar as well.
Sounds like lit of what I went through. I don't have time to give all of my thoughts but I'd encourage you to look through my old posts. Like from way back. Also check out SLA. It's a greAt group of people who are supportive of this very thing. Kinda like AA but a bit different. It sounds crazy and stupid and unrelateable at first .. or at least it can be that way... But the longer you stay in these cycles the more your stories and theirs don't look so different. Dont do what I did. Take the help the first time around
It’s hard letting go even when the person is so toxic. But it’s worth it when you find the peace of being alone. Learn to love yourself. Once you do it will immediately attract men who want to come and destroy that.
@Notsimilarreally I'm starving and his breadcrumbs are something I guess. I don't really understand myself or how I feel. He is the only person I let in. I know his cycles. I guess the familiarity is something. It's pathetic. But that's how low I am right now.
