I am trapped in an emotionally abusive situationship.
Not physically trapped. I can vanish and never see him again. I have the power to leave. But I am addicted to the push and pull, the abuse then the sweetness. I am broken down and depressed. I don't know if he even loves me or he just loves what I supply.
I have left him 20+ times over the years. It gets worse every time.
I think I keep letting him back in because I am empathetic to him. We have been through a lot as friends, it wasn't all bad. There was lots of good, but I was always drained. It feels like he empties me and, as a giver, I have confused that with a positive feeling.
He manipulates, gaslights, blames, lies and confuses me.
I am so low, but I know better. I want out of this so badly. But I am addicted to the familiarity. I'm addicted to the scraps.
I don't see him often. Maybe once every few weeks. We mostly just text. He makes it seem so sweet. He asks to see me, tells me he misses me and shares his troubles. I soften. Then he starts withdrawing. I can't make sense of. But if I need anything at all, if I ask why he has to push and pull me, it's bad. He will always make it about him. He will lie, say I said things I didn't and start crying about his childhood. Then he'll promise to change...
Which I know will never happen.
I wish I had a friend or family member to help. I know that sounds weak, and I guess I'm just waiting for people to tell me how stupid and weak I am because that's what people do when they don't understand or care. But this is one of those times in life a touch of support would make a huge difference.
He's the only person I have. When he's kind, I feel better. It's all I have.
I think, if I was addicted to drugs or alcohol, there would be support, intervention, some visual cue that stepping in and helping would make a difference. Even physical abuse would be more glamorous. But because I'm addicted to emotional abuse, I'm written off as dumb. Neverminding that the way he treats me is like a drug. When it's good, I'm so good, but when he plays his games, I'm jonesing for the good.
I know what he's doing but a small part of me isn't sure. Because he's not all bad.
I want it over.
I will be moving 3,000+ miles away soon, I will get away from this. But I wish I had the courage to go cold turkey now. I love him and I hate him.
I know my health will improve when he's out of the picture. I always feel better about myself when we are not talking. Yet part of me still cares for him.
If anyone reads this, I'm sure you think less of me now, but I'm not stupid. I'm alone and addicted to the only person who pretends to care in my real life. I realize I have outgrown a lot of things in my life, that's why I'm moving and starting new very soon. One where I can heal. One where I will be able to build a support network. I can give and receive. And I will never get stuck in some toxic mess again.
I needed to get this off my heart today. I hide my addiction to him because I am ashamed. I know I will be blamed, I can only hope the blamers stay out of my comments. People here have already backed away from me because I struggle with PTSD. Ffs I wish I had one person in my real life though. One person to grab me and tell me this is crazy, this is self harm and let's change your number.
I have been there for people in the past. An old friend was getting out of an abusive marriage and I stayed with her overnight for a few nights with my shotgun because she was afraid. I get it. But when it comes to someone being there for me, I know they won't. And I think he knows that too. That's why he keeps hurting me.
I have left him 20+ times over the years. It gets worse every time.
I think I keep letting him back in because I am empathetic to him. We have been through a lot as friends, it wasn't all bad. There was lots of good, but I was always drained. It feels like he empties me and, as a giver, I have confused that with a positive feeling.
He manipulates, gaslights, blames, lies and confuses me.
I am so low, but I know better. I want out of this so badly. But I am addicted to the familiarity. I'm addicted to the scraps.
I don't see him often. Maybe once every few weeks. We mostly just text. He makes it seem so sweet. He asks to see me, tells me he misses me and shares his troubles. I soften. Then he starts withdrawing. I can't make sense of. But if I need anything at all, if I ask why he has to push and pull me, it's bad. He will always make it about him. He will lie, say I said things I didn't and start crying about his childhood. Then he'll promise to change...
Which I know will never happen.
I wish I had a friend or family member to help. I know that sounds weak, and I guess I'm just waiting for people to tell me how stupid and weak I am because that's what people do when they don't understand or care. But this is one of those times in life a touch of support would make a huge difference.
He's the only person I have. When he's kind, I feel better. It's all I have.
I think, if I was addicted to drugs or alcohol, there would be support, intervention, some visual cue that stepping in and helping would make a difference. Even physical abuse would be more glamorous. But because I'm addicted to emotional abuse, I'm written off as dumb. Neverminding that the way he treats me is like a drug. When it's good, I'm so good, but when he plays his games, I'm jonesing for the good.
I know what he's doing but a small part of me isn't sure. Because he's not all bad.
I want it over.
I will be moving 3,000+ miles away soon, I will get away from this. But I wish I had the courage to go cold turkey now. I love him and I hate him.
I know my health will improve when he's out of the picture. I always feel better about myself when we are not talking. Yet part of me still cares for him.
If anyone reads this, I'm sure you think less of me now, but I'm not stupid. I'm alone and addicted to the only person who pretends to care in my real life. I realize I have outgrown a lot of things in my life, that's why I'm moving and starting new very soon. One where I can heal. One where I will be able to build a support network. I can give and receive. And I will never get stuck in some toxic mess again.
I needed to get this off my heart today. I hide my addiction to him because I am ashamed. I know I will be blamed, I can only hope the blamers stay out of my comments. People here have already backed away from me because I struggle with PTSD. Ffs I wish I had one person in my real life though. One person to grab me and tell me this is crazy, this is self harm and let's change your number.
I have been there for people in the past. An old friend was getting out of an abusive marriage and I stayed with her overnight for a few nights with my shotgun because she was afraid. I get it. But when it comes to someone being there for me, I know they won't. And I think he knows that too. That's why he keeps hurting me.
