I am trapped in an emotionally abusive situationship.

Not physically trapped. I can vanish and never see him again. I have the power to leave. But I am addicted to the push and pull, the abuse then the sweetness. I am broken down and depressed. I don't know if he even loves me or he just loves what I supply.

I have left him 20+ times over the years. It gets worse every time.

I think I keep letting him back in because I am empathetic to him. We have been through a lot as friends, it wasn't all bad. There was lots of good, but I was always drained. It feels like he empties me and, as a giver, I have confused that with a positive feeling.

He manipulates, gaslights, blames, lies and confuses me.

I am so low, but I know better. I want out of this so badly. But I am addicted to the familiarity. I'm addicted to the scraps.

I don't see him often. Maybe once every few weeks. We mostly just text. He makes it seem so sweet. He asks to see me, tells me he misses me and shares his troubles. I soften. Then he starts withdrawing. I can't make sense of. But if I need anything at all, if I ask why he has to push and pull me, it's bad. He will always make it about him. He will lie, say I said things I didn't and start crying about his childhood. Then he'll promise to change...

Which I know will never happen.

I wish I had a friend or family member to help. I know that sounds weak, and I guess I'm just waiting for people to tell me how stupid and weak I am because that's what people do when they don't understand or care. But this is one of those times in life a touch of support would make a huge difference.

He's the only person I have. When he's kind, I feel better. It's all I have.

I think, if I was addicted to drugs or alcohol, there would be support, intervention, some visual cue that stepping in and helping would make a difference. Even physical abuse would be more glamorous. But because I'm addicted to emotional abuse, I'm written off as dumb. Neverminding that the way he treats me is like a drug. When it's good, I'm so good, but when he plays his games, I'm jonesing for the good.

I know what he's doing but a small part of me isn't sure. Because he's not all bad.

I want it over.

I will be moving 3,000+ miles away soon, I will get away from this. But I wish I had the courage to go cold turkey now. I love him and I hate him.

I know my health will improve when he's out of the picture. I always feel better about myself when we are not talking. Yet part of me still cares for him.

If anyone reads this, I'm sure you think less of me now, but I'm not stupid. I'm alone and addicted to the only person who pretends to care in my real life. I realize I have outgrown a lot of things in my life, that's why I'm moving and starting new very soon. One where I can heal. One where I will be able to build a support network. I can give and receive. And I will never get stuck in some toxic mess again.

I needed to get this off my heart today. I hide my addiction to him because I am ashamed. I know I will be blamed, I can only hope the blamers stay out of my comments. People here have already backed away from me because I struggle with PTSD. Ffs I wish I had one person in my real life though. One person to grab me and tell me this is crazy, this is self harm and let's change your number.

I have been there for people in the past. An old friend was getting out of an abusive marriage and I stayed with her overnight for a few nights with my shotgun because she was afraid. I get it. But when it comes to someone being there for me, I know they won't. And I think he knows that too. That's why he keeps hurting me.

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Achelois · F

I understand how you feel.

We have to break the cycle, we attract people who we are in the same frequency of our childhood wounds, so it feels familiar.
It feels safe because that’s how you were brought up as a child, breadcrumbs of love that wasn’t unconditional.

You both have abandonment wounds and anxious types always attack the avoidant ones.

You have to heal from the past, forgive your parents, feel it, sit with it, understand that it’s a generational thing, your parents probably got the same from their parents and so on.

This is a good videos that explains how it happens, why you keep going back.

[media=https://youtu.be/M_lakRMIA7Q]

ScreamingFox

@Achelois I am working on healing the childhood wounds. I still can't decide if my parents passing young has helped me or hurt me to resolve those issues.

But you are right and I know how he makes me feel is that same sting knowing someone "loves" me, but they don't really care about me.

I'm trying.

Thank you 🫂

Achelois · F

@ScreamingFox

I saw this and thought of you.

Kindness Was Never the Problem

There are people like us—
the ones who ache to be kind,
not because the world is good,
but because we believed we weren’t.

We were told we were too much.
Too intense. Too angry. Too cold.
Too hard to love. Too broken to stay.

So we made it our mission—
not to be free,
not to be powerful,
but to be good.

We offered softness as proof we weren’t dangerous.
We offered love as an apology.
We bent until we broke,
just to convince someone we were safe to keep.

But kindness isn’t supposed to hurt like this.
It’s not supposed to leave you bleeding while they smile.
It’s not supposed to get twisted into silence,
or used as leverage by those who never intended to stay.

And if you’ve been there—
if you’ve watched someone weaponize your softness
to gain control,
to dodge responsibility,
to make you question your worth—
then hear me now:

You weren’t wrong for being kind.
You were just surrounded by people who didn’t deserve it.

They didn’t love your light.
They fed off it.

And that’s not love.
That’s drainage.
That’s power theft disguised as intimacy.

But I promise you—there’s nothing wrong with you.
Your need to be kind wasn’t weakness.
It was a scar
from all the times you were punished for being too real.

You were never the villain.
You were the one still fighting to believe love didn’t have to hurt.
You were the one still trying to build safety
in a world that never gave it to you.

So if you feel like you’re drowning in your own goodness—
like you’ve given too much,
and now you’re empty—
step back.

Your kindness is a gift, not a leash.
You’re allowed to be soft and say no.
You’re allowed to be good without being used.
You’re allowed to protect yourself,
and still call it love.

And if no one ever told you this before—
I will.

You don’t have to prove you’re kind.
You just have to stop letting people turn that kindness against you.

We are not broken for wanting to love.
We are not weak for needing to be seen.
But from now on—
let them earn it.

And if they try to punish you for having a heart?

Walk away. Still kind. Still whole. Still free.
That’s what being written in scars really means.

Kindness was never the weakness.
It's the strength they'll never understand.
This world tries to break what it can't control.
It twists good hearts into doubt, silence, regret.
But not here.
Not anymore.
You're not broken.
You're built different.
And nothing that tried to tear you down gets to define you.
Thank you for standing up.
Thank you for fighting without losing yourself.
We aren't finished.
We're just getting started.
Written in scars.🖤