Job Burnout

I don't know where to start or what to do anymore. Job security feels like an alien concept to me now. I'm terribly anxious about my future that I can't function right. Contract workers are human beings too, why are they treated like this? Why are companies like this? What do I do at this point?

I've been in this contract job for 6 months then boom! I'm let go, no warnings, feedback, nor communication from higher management ever since I got hired. I liked the job and my coworkers, I was a good fit for that particular group work environment, it's the higher management that treat contract workers like s***. The lay off was so sudden that the manager and the group that were running our workplace didn't get any communication from the higher ups beforehand. Manager said they have mentioned my performance is a little low, but it was already happening 2 months before I was let go. That's an easy fix if they warned me! Why prolong my contract then? My manager also believes it's probably due to the shortage of work and budget cuts that the newest member gets cut most of the time and when they decide to do, it is out of his hands. He sounded like he really didn't know what was going on so I believed him. I left the place with a heavy heart, confused and shock.

I didn't get to mourn after that layoff.

The next day, I got a job offer from another recruiter for another contract job. The new job is more corporate and based on my experience with bigger corporations, I expect it to have a toxic work culture, and office politics which I hate. I wasn't serious when they interviewed me but I passed the interview and got the job. It's both a blessing and a curse. I was right about the toxic work culture and office politics, the managers are all gossipy, fake, and two-faced white people. There are at least 12 other contract workers there, and worst part is, my onboarding was a complete mess. Nothing is streamlined in a way that place is being run that's why there's a high turnover. Oh, and my contract got terminated after 3 days but this time, it was completely my fault. I lost the company laptop on public transit on the way home but quickly filed a lost item report. This was at the end of 2nd day after we got info dumped in training plus I was sleep deprived, and completely drained from the training but I take full responsibility of the lost item. Next day, I told the manager and they said they have no spare laptop (it's a huge ass company btw, they have a floor dedicated for tech people that provides laptops), and since I'm under contract, they said they can't directly make any decision but they sent me home, sneakily took my badge ID, and sneakily escorted me out of the building without an official word from my recruiter yet. Their body language says it all, they kept pushing me to leave, and couldn't look me straight in the eye when they're talking to me. The manager already decided to "offboard" me before my recruiter officially contacted me, I heard them gossiping in the hallway about it before the escorting happened (they claimed they didn't escort me out, like please 🙄) Recruiter called, this company didn't want to continue working with me anymore because "I don't look enthusiastic enough" and that's based on the 2 days I was there during onboarding/training. You can't evaluate someone in that short span of time, you barely worked with them, and it's ridiculous how these companies would make excuses just to get rid of you. And also, I was with the other trainer the whole day on 2nd day, our manager only toured us and barely helped us out on our 1st day onboarding (what kind of manager of 33 years not tech savvy to help you when you're in an office environment, right?) This is exactly why I hate working for big corporate companies, the people in higher positions are incompetent plus they are all fake, and dead inside like people on retail jobs. This job is not a blessing, it was definitely curse set up by a thing called bad luck.

Right now, I find myself staring into space while crying, asking myself: "What's the point of all this? Why is life playing me like this?" Then comes the suicidal thoughts but I've been trying my hardest to brush it off. I don't know what to feel anymore. Confusion? anxiety? sadness? devastation? I'm mourning but what do I mourn at this point? I just don't feel valued as a human being at all, I feel like a worthless piece of s***. I can't catch a break and I don't deserve to live. I just want to have a job without all the bulls*** to move out and survive, why can't things just be normal? I need to get away from people as far away as possible and stay inside my room for days. My body is already breaking down and I can't do anything about it.