I Have a Confession

Of course, there is a process to all of this. I can't just leave. And nothing says I can't work things out while staying. I just don't think I can handle always being in the same conversation anymore. It's a broken record. So I think I'm just getting over this whole thing. I may not have anything else to confess. And maybe things will get more simple once I know exactly what it is that needs to be done. First off, I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. As in, how I want to live it. There are supposed opportunities out there where I can make money and friends without having to struggle for it...without even have gone to school. Am I right?? And I have to just keep myself occupied. Second, I need to apologize. I need to make sure that whoever I've hurt is going to be okay. We must forgive. There is no right way of doing this. I have to also distance myself from the problems and come to terms with the situation for myself without anyone involved. If it gets to the point where I have to live on my own for good because of this mess, then the relationship wasn't as strong as we thought it was. 7 years is a long time. Someone just got through telling me they marveled at the relationship...I guess that's a compliment. Of course, they haven't seen behind closed doors exactly how things have been playing out for the past year, but when they have seen us it's looked pleasant. But as far as the other person who entered my life and mind, I want him to know that no matter what happens I am here. I am still here and you know where to find me. Even though things never went far between us, I am still your friend. If you decide that it's best to sort things out without me in the way, then that's what you should do. It's not something I want, but I think we both have some sorting out to do, and it was wrong for me to have allowed you to get involved with the situation. I have hurt you and your possibility of being happy. And know that I never planned for it to turn out the way it did. I got wrapped up in the moment. I'm as imperfect as they come. I appreciate the effort you put in trying to help me, and that will never go unacknowledged. I also appreciate your friendship and the way you always make me smile. Don't ever forget that.

No the problem is that you used my emotional feelings towards you and lead me on to believe that we had something more then what there ever was. After the moments we shared that day and after I came to pick you up (I understand that my job stopped that ) and you called me later that day to say that we should not hang out because of his jealousy and telling you not to. That was very shallow of you because you pretty much just made it perfectly clear that you are willing to let someone who you pretty much said you are ready to walk away from dictate when, who, how you can see and act with your friends. Yes I was hiding for a while but then I came back because you begged me to and I thought that we were meant to be something more. You told me all about why you wanted to leave and then I have to offer to just be a friend and help you out in things before your "over-stressed, lazy, slob of a boyfriend decides to even think of helping you to do whatever you want to do, So I get sidelined again.

Using you was not my intention. I still don't know what I want to do. And because of my wishy washy actions I am losing you. I'm stuck between two rocks and can't get out. Maybe I shouldn't have expressed my feelings to either of you. Maybe I should have just kept it to myself. I can't take that back now. So if you leave I understand, because there's no undoing what I did and you will never forgive me. I also didn't mean to come off as shallow. When you were here, and I expressed how I felt, that was real. I can promise you. It was completely real. I never wanted to hurt you. I really didn't. I am broken hearted over all of this. And I have cried 4 days in a row. I'm hurting too. And I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my relationship since he actually believes we weren't having issues in the first place. This is what I get for being honest and trying not to hurt anyone. There's nothing in this world like being in love with two people and losing both.

I'm taking up 5 days a week at Arby's and making enough money to possibly save up for a 6 month lease somewhere to clear my head. I can't take this anymore. I can't think straight. I need air.

You used my feelings for you and our bond to open his eyes and that was very very shallow of you.