Why do we want comfort from our abusers?

Good question.

It is a mixture of trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance and leftovers of primitive survival mechanisms.

When you subject a person to abuse followed by intermittent kindness or affection , their brain associates abuse with rewards; a confusing and intense connection where the victim might seek comfort or validation from the very person causing them harm is formed. It needs active work to be broken apart. I have seen a number of studies about this, some involving puppies and young children.

In terms of cognitive dissonance, if you hold any related contradictory beliefs, such as your belief in their ability to change and your need to protect yourself, your brain might resolve that painful contradiction by convincing itself that they can protect you and creating bunch of excuses for their behaviors. Sometimes this is learnt behavior.

In terms of survival and intuitive behavior, forming an emotional connection with a threat can be an attempt to escape by appealing to their feelings.

These are things that need be addressed with a professional a lot of times. Humans are creatures of habits. Something that is meant to help them live and survive can end up harming them when it turns to a repetitive destructive cycle.

I've tried to explain this to my therapist before.. The only way I can explain it, is that it's like an addiction. You know it's bad for you, you know you should leave, but you still crave the "high" that you have whenever things are good with them. At least with my ex, whenever we were good it was SO good, or maybe it just seemed like it because of the high contrast to how bad it would get. And when you're in a bad place, it's easy to remember the last time you were happy with them and crave that feeling back. Because you're in so much pain, and because of the abuse and hot/cold games, you're convinced that they are the only one that can make you feel better.

It's a trauma bond. When I was with my ex, I didn't care about anyone else when he made me feel bad, I only wanted him to show me love and for us to be "good again". ALSO because he always made me feel like it was all my fault, like I fucked up, so I felt like I had to fix it. So finally getting that hug and told that I'm "loved" from him, made me feel a sense of relief in a way.

It's fucked up.

Well it would certainly be affirming, wouldn't it.

Been there. I think it has to do with co-dependency.

I was only able to finally let go of my abuser after I had to call the police on him and he was arrested for beating me for the last time.

I've never been in that situation, so I'm not even gonna guess.

But I'm sorry you experienced abuse 🫂

I'm also interrested in reading other peoples theories/comments to get somewhat of an idea.

That honeymoon apology period feels good, our bodies release positive hormones like dopamine and oxytocin.

It's called a trauma bond.

I think it’s just your subconscious or something looking for peace of mind.

I actually had a plan to shoot mine. I worked that out in therapy though.