Why do we want comfort from our abusers?

I've engaged in it in the past and I won't again, now that I actually do care about myself.

But it's annoying feeling my brain sends to me. I want hugs from him and for him to say he's sorry and it was a mistake

I don't ACTUALLY want that, and I think if I saw him I'd panic or throw up, but it's awful our brain sends us those signals

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Miram · 31-35, F Best Comment

Good question.

It is a mixture of trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance and leftovers of primitive survival mechanisms.

When you subject a person to abuse followed by intermittent kindness or affection , their brain associates abuse with rewards; a confusing and intense connection where the victim might seek comfort or validation from the very person causing them harm is formed. It needs active work to be broken apart. I have seen a number of studies about this, some involving puppies and young children.

In terms of cognitive dissonance, if you hold any related contradictory beliefs, such as your belief in their ability to change and your need to protect yourself, your brain might resolve that painful contradiction by convincing itself that they can protect you and creating bunch of excuses for their behaviors. Sometimes this is learnt behavior.

In terms of survival and intuitive behavior, forming an emotional connection with a threat can be an attempt to escape by appealing to their feelings.

These are things that need be addressed with a professional a lot of times. Humans are creatures of habits. Something that is meant to help them live and survive can end up harming them when it turns to a repetitive destructive cycle.

SW-User

@Miram yes..all of this

caccoon · 36-40

@Miram thank you, I appreciate this. And I am definitely going to talk to my therapist about this when I can afford to go again (hopefully end of the month).

I know I think I developed this in childhood